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astooge 02-21-2012 02:27 PM

Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
I am currently in MC with my wife who was involved in an EA with a male coworker. From the beginning she has lied regarding the "friendship", at the last reason is that her and the OM just "clicked" and he was like a big brother. Anyone buy this?

And WTH does that mean?

lordmayhem 02-21-2012 02:31 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
Its called gaslighting. Your WW doesn't want to own up to what she did. I've read your other thread again, your WW continues to deny that there was NEVER any attraction from her part. Then she claims that it took her a while to realize his intentions. Yeah, right.

Yet she kept the relationship a SECRET from you. Secrecy is a vital component of affairs, be it EA or PA or both. She is/was attracted to him, she just doesn't want to admit it.

Until she owns up to it, I see you're going to have a difficult time with R.

TDSC60 02-21-2012 02:32 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
If it was a simple friendship why hide it?

"Click" means that she was instantly attracted to him. You may need to look deeper. It may have been physical.

Has she admitted that the relationship was inappropriate? Has she shown true remorse and apologized? Or is she simply trying to justify what she did?

Too many unanswered questions.

PHTlump 02-21-2012 02:37 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
The other posters are correct. Sometimes, it takes time for a disloyal spouse to admit how wrong their actions are/were. And until they admit it, they will insist that they're "just friends", or "nothing happened", or anything else to minimize their wrongdoing.

Pay no attention to it and run the 180. Spy on her to verify that she hasn't gone underground with him. It's unclear whether she's simply lying to her, or whether she's rationalized to herself that her actions are/were innocent. If she's lying to herself, she may see no need to break off contact with the other man.

Good luck.

lordmayhem 02-21-2012 02:37 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
That's exactly what I thought. "We clicked" means attraction.

Thorburn 02-21-2012 03:23 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
In 2010 my WS left her laptop open. I had no reason not to trust her at this point in our marriage as she had build trust from internet affairs 12 years earlier. She had changed her passwords etc and I had no clue what was going on in her internet life. But, one night I happened to go downstairs and I was going to get on my laptop. Her's was open and I saw emails from this guy. Keep in mind that my WS was using a secret email account and did not use our regular email but for some reason those past two days they were. I think the OM forgot her account and just went on her FB and used the email that was there and it was our joint one.

It was bad. My wife was upstairs getting ready to go out with me and I confronted her. She started saying, "oh that, we were just flirting, that is nothing, etc". I sat her down and read each email and explained to her what they said. She said in one, "I love you, I have feelings for you, I know what we did was wrong but why are you breaking up with me?". And I could go on and on.

She went into denial mode even when I had the smoking guns.

My WS lied over and over again even with the evidence.

I wish you luck.

astooge 02-21-2012 03:29 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
That's what I was thinking, but she did say that sometimes people just click. She has shown full remorse and takes ownership, said she wronged me etc.., but there's still that nagging that some details are being left out and it's starting to piss me off.

And in her words from my original posting, she had an emotional investment, with him and the other workers. I have been monitoring her and so far have not seen her attempt to contact the OM.


We have been over this many times, should I even care if it makes her angry if I bring up the questions AGAIN? She has said that "everything" is on the table and its up to me to believe her.


I really want to contact her previous employer and the the OM's wife regarding what "family issues" caused her to quit.

bandit.45 02-21-2012 03:38 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
I don't get the "emotional investment" with the other workers. Was she spreading the love? What does this mean?
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Lone Star 02-21-2012 06:56 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
My WS spouse stated that when he met his new 'friend' that they hit it off the first time they met. Then he went on to say that they are just close friends, that she thinks of him like an uncle since he is 14 years older than her. He was given a choice, me or your friend? He chose his 'friend' over our 20 year marriage but I'm suppose to believe that they are just friends. Yeah, right and I'm the Queen of England too! I've noticed in all his lies if I listen closely ever so often he will weave a little of the truth in his lies. I'm really not interested in trying to decode his words anymore as I believe 95% of them are lies.

TRy 02-21-2012 07:11 PM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by astooge (Post 598403)
We have been over this many times, should I even care if it makes her angry if I bring up the questions AGAIN? She has said that "everything" is on the table and its up to me to believe her.

You should not care if it makes her angry, because you should be angry with her for not showing true remorse. If she gets angry, your should get even more angry right back. As for it being up to you to "to believe her", tell her it is up to her to convince you to believe her and that she needs to be willing to put in the time and effort to do so.

She want to rub sweep and I see very little true remorse. Not a good sign.

astooge 02-22-2012 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lone Star (Post 598742)
My WS spouse stated that when he met his new 'friend' that they hit it off the first time they met. Then he went on to say that they are just close friends, that she thinks of him like and uncle since he is 14 years older than her. He was given a choice, me or your friend? He chose his 'friend' over our 20 year marriage but I'm suppose to believe that they are just friends. Yeah, right and I'm the Queen of England too! I've noticed in all his lies if I listen closely ever so often he will weave a little of the truth in his lies. I'm really not interested in trying to decode his words anymore as I believe 95% of them are lies.

Posted via Mobile Device

astooge 02-22-2012 09:47 AM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
That's horrible, I am currently in the state where I don't believe my wife. I told her last night that I am pissed that the only person who is hurting is me. She is easily moving on and I'm not, doesn't seem right.
Posted via Mobile Device

snap 02-22-2012 09:56 AM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bandit.45 (Post 598432)
I don't get the "emotional investment" with the other workers. Was she spreading the love? What does this mean?
Posted via Mobile Device

Investment assumes an expectation of return..

snap 02-22-2012 09:59 AM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by astooge (Post 599506)
That's horrible, I am currently in the state where I don't believe my wife. I told her last night that I am pissed that the only person who is hurting is me. She is easily moving on and I'm not, doesn't seem right.
Posted via Mobile Device

Well, that's how it works. There is no justice in it.

MSP 02-22-2012 10:39 AM

Re: Wife's Emotional Affair, like a big brother
 
Like was said to you in the other thread, being attracted to someone else is not the problem. It's what you do with that attraction. Flirting is definitely not going in the right direction--and you don't flirt with your big brother! Well, maybe in some places in the south, but it's generally frowned upon elsewhere. :p

I've seen potential EAs turn out for the best where they did develop into more of a sibling-style relationship, but that happened because as soon as the strong attraction was recognized, firm boundaries were drawn and never crossed. It's always dangerous territory, though.


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