You damn right the affair is 100% her fault and he should not put up with her blameshifting. Just because he wants to smoke a few joints doesn't mean it's okay to pull your pants down for another man. If you honestly think that's fine then you don't need to be married.
Seriously that was a poor attempt at sarcasm. Not even close to being funny.
Aw, gee, OneMan, if you don't like my sarcasm, let's try serious then.
You may not know this, but smoking dope is illegal. You can get put in jail for it, and have your life ruined as a result of doing it. You can lose your good job if you test positive for it. And when these things happen, they don't just affect YOU, they also affect your wife and children, if you have them.
And I have to say that if you think its cool to smoke a few joints, you have no business being married, yourself, but, hey, keep it up. I've always heard pot makes people stupid.
I imagine OP's wife is horrified to find out that her husband is a real pothead, instead of a casual user (not that I distinguish between the two, but she might).
In cases where there are no children involved and one partner cheats, I pretty much 100% recommend divorce, and for the BS to go find someone who they can love and trust.
In cases where one partner does drugs, I ALWAYS recommend that the non-drug-using partner get away as fast as they can, dragging the children behind them kicking and screaming if necessary.
So this is a real easy call. I can be sarcastic and still give honest advice. She cheated- divorce her. He's a drug addict- divorce him!
Both parties will be better off without each other.
look at that long post about how you ignored her as you went out smoking bud with your buds.
time to quit the kind and start being responsible smart engaging fellow you can be. the kind of guy that will pay attenting to his wife like hes supost to.
now with that said it shouldn't be with this girl. she has shown her true charchater. instead of giving you the choice to straighten up or lose her she wanted her cake and eat it to. If it was that big a deal to her why did she marry you in the first place?
bottom line she wanted to cheat on you and used it as an excuse.
kick her to the curb and then clean up and find a real women who loves you .
Seriously that was a poor attempt at sarcasm. Not even close to being funny.
I thought it was funny. Here you have a guy that, by his own admission, willfully put his desire for drugs ahead of his family. You want to lose a wife? Make her second fiddle.
I'm an old geezer now but in my younger years I was a player whose target was married women. None were more vulnerable than those married to substance abusers. Put your desire for drugs ahead of your wife and see what it gets you with bastards like I used to be lurking in the shadows. Did the guy perusing Brokenbloke's wife F her. I would have.
A caveat to some of you.
"And it'll be just her and me in some dark and smokey closure Cause you didn't heed my warning
And she's seeking what she needs.
Yeah, I'm sharing all world with her
And won't she feel important.
Cause I'm listening to her sorrows and following her dreams.
Show me a man who don't talk to his woman and I'll show you a man who's woman I can steal. I don't care how you need her, I don't care how you do her. If you ain't talking to her, you ain't doing what I will."
We need to clarify one thing. The word mistake gets thrown around, especially by the unfaithful spouse pleading for another chance. An affair, whether it is an EA or a LTA, is NEVER a mistake, it is a bad collection of deliberate and conscious choices.
Mistake: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.
Bad Choice: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.
Sure the marriage can me salvaged. As soon as she can own her crap, like I have own my abusive behavior as one of the worst husband to walk this earth.
As individuals we need to make the changes that better our selves, and admiting the unhealthy behavior and taking the step to fix your self.
You can't fix a damb thing until you fix your self. So if you have anger issues then you need to take care of it, if you have drinking issues then you need to take care of it, if you have drug issues you need to take care of it, if you have adultory issues then you need to take care of it.
Bottom line they need to fix them selve as individuals, OP drug problem and his WW adultory problem. Once these propblems are addressed then they can work together on repairing this marriage. I want to highlight the word *both*
My thinking is as long as the wayward wants to justify an adultorous behavior then they have not owned it and will not take the steps to fix them selves. This idea goes for any unhealthy behavior that an individual has that has effected there marriage.
So you're an OM who boasts about the married tramps he slept with (and thinks he stole them!) and you want to give marital advice?
There are few days go by that I don't relive and regret the crap I pulled, and the people I used. I took advantage of a lot of situations to boost my own ego and gave into every temptation at the expense of others. Those were not my finest days. But I learned a lot. I've know several wives to cheat simply because they needed the excitement that no one man could provide. I don't care who they married, they needed more. There are others that husbands treated them badly. After years of various degrees of abuse, neglect, feeling unwanted by the man they married they crossed the line when the "right" guy shows them attention while they were at the lowest point in their life. Maybe they should leave the situation and get a divorce but its easier said than done. How many guys on here want to avoid divorce at all cost, even putting up with a serial cheater. Many wives do it to prove to themselves they are not as worthless as they've allowed themselves to feel. As far my marital advice, sometime when you want to protect your property, assets, relationships, an experienced thief can often give better advice on where the weaknesses lie. Brokenblokes wife, right or wrong, reached a point beyond which she thought she could handle. The other guy was there and smelled blood in the water. Right or wrong, she needed affirmation. That's the way its going to go for a lot of people.
She had an affair because she's a selfish woman, not because of his drug habits.
She broke the trust between them. SHE'S the one who needs to get her crap together.
Yet you're blaming him for her affair. Something she chose to do on her own.
WTF? Bulls%t. It doesn't work both ways in this situation. She's still cheating on him and she lied about not sleeping with the loser. Trust issues fall on her solely. Can't work on a marriage when your legs is open to other men daily.
He put drugs ahead of his wife. Drug abuse is a lot like cheating .. except that it's a chemical that has the drug addited spouse's whole attention.
No matter the addiction, its an idividual choice to start/stop, Just like its an idividual choice to keep ones vows or leave. A much harder road to take but a choice all the same.
My thinking is if it wasn't drugs, it would have been some other excuse to cheat, and get the validation she was looking for. Now if the WW can face this issue, and the OP can face his drug issue then the WW might beable to fix this.
Weed is not an addiction and even if it was, it does not justify her extramarital behavior. She's still cheating on the man and gas lighting him. She cheated because she solely wanted to.
While most say that weed is not addictive, there are some who use it as though they are addicted. He apparently was/is using pot to the point that it interferes with his normal functioning. Tha's a huge problem. He's self-medicating. He ignored his wife and his responsibilities as a husband. He is having such a hard time giving up the drug that he's going to NA.
He chose to ignore and mistreat her. He's been selfish and self-centered.
Ya there both wrong. Hes making an effort to work on him self, she is not. Until her affair is over and a real NC is in effect the dynamics of the marriage will be effected...all the weed he smoke will not change the influence the OM has on the marriage.
Bottom line, she must end all contact with OM for the marriage to work. He has no control over her and it is up to her to take the step *now* in making her marriage work.
Lets end the blame game and help this guy with some of our experiences.
Ok, I don't think adults stop at kissing. It can happen but very unlikely. Given that this had been happening for an year, it is more likely than not that she had sex with him. She even stayed over with him? This is a common theme. The cheating spouse only admits the minimum. I'm telling you this because a physical affair might be a deal breaker for you.