Moving out... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 07:40 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Moving out...

So we have been going to MC and although He says he has made all these changes and is becoming a better person, I still see his actions as selfish and the same as before. I am finally getting out.
Now, the issue is him telling me that I do not want to work on our marriage because I am interested in someone else! No offense, but I have enough crap to deal with because of him being a WH. I definately do not need the added stress of someone else in my life.
Do they always do this? Try to put the blame on you so they can feel better about what they did? It is driving me up the wall. I am at fault for the marriage not working; although I was the faithful spouse who was treated like garbage. How does this even make sense????

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 07:46 AM
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Re: Moving out...

blameshifting and projection

blameshifting is blaming you for the affair, ie. "you drove him to cheat"

projection is when he thinks because he would cheat then you would cheat

sounds like you're making the right decision

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 08:04 AM
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Re: Moving out...

I suspect that based on what you are saying, that there is someone else. That someone else is "YOU". And it is "YOU" that you need to take care of and find healing.

Prepare yourself for more hateful things to come out of his mouth. Try to be civil and take the higher path. Look at him as a child who can't have the toy in the store and is throwing a tantrum.

This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 08:09 AM
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Re: Moving out...

It is ridiculous that cheating spouses always try to shift blame to the loyal spouse. It seems to be normal. My WH does a lot of re-writing history in order to act as if that makes what he has done ok. Good luck.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 08:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Moving out...

You know, I didnt really think of it in that sense but it is totally true!
I am definately trying to remain calm and rational, but at this point it is getting difficult because he is making me the bad guy with the kids too. I will not demean him to the kids, but he doesnt care that he is doing it! I just hope one day they can see that what he is saying is not true.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 08:16 AM
Join Date: Dec 2011
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Re: Moving out...


I can completely relate, my WH is blaming me for everything going.

Firstly, it was my fault that he cheated and secondly, I am now to blame because I cannot forgive him as quickly as he would like. He also thinks that I might be unfaithful to him now, as some sort of revenge affair. No thanks!

Unfortunately the wayward partner needs to eat some huge humble pie and learn the word 'humility'. Without both it is impossible to move foward with the relationship. Any sign of blame shifting and projection will just push you even further away, if that is possible.

I wish you lots of strength and clarity.


"Tell me... what is it you want to do with your one wild and precious life?"
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2012, 08:20 AM
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Re: Moving out...

Why are you leaving? If he's the one who did you wrong? Stay. Tell him to leave. Why should you uproot your life and the kids' life to accomodate him?

Let him spew whatever he wants. Don't feed into it. Tell him "I am not seeing anyone. We are separating/divorcing because you had an affair and I do not want to be married to you anymore."

End point.
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