Bisexual means she is attracted to both, but it doesn't mean acting on it isnt cheating.
I like blondes, redheads, and brunettes. But i can't play with a redhead while married to a blonde. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with that, too, and have let her know that any experimentation is not excused strictly because it's experimentation. However, all of this happened before we were married. Two occurrences did occur while we were engaged, though.
I don't mean, does she get emotional and say pitty and hate me? I mean does she own that she cheated and she must now work hard to earn a second chance with you? Posted via Mobile Device
I agree completely. Have no problem with it and am trying to make her understand that regardless of her orientation she is my wife.
eh
its obvious you are having problems or else you would not have asked this question on here. I wish you best of luck however you need to decide what you want in life. The fact she has lied before is a huge red flag.
Its very simple
Lying
Narcissistic behavior
Hedonistic point of views
^^ all are ways people can ruin relationships. The fact your wife has lied and kept things hidden is not good at all. I honestly suggest that all people who encounter a spouse who has hidden and lied about big things to immediately divorce set spouse. Because its only a mater of time until you are back on here asking a question about how they cheated on you or did this or that and you are unhappy. However you are the one who put yourself in this situation. Ultimately you cannot change her behavior she is who she is you can only be there for her and be her husband however no need for that if she is not truly a wife. So with that being said ask yourself if you appreciate being lied to and the problems and if you will be happy living like this.
Her crying is a ploy for her to garner sympathetic emotional support from you and to downplay her lying and she is not compassionate and lack of sound judgement. Her behavior is completely unacceptable. She cheated on you showed loose inhibitions and sound judgement and used "i was inebriated" as an excuse as to why she kissed another man. That in itself is disgusting.
Well, she's obviously sorry and she feels bad about it. Plus, she seems to have told you the truth, though you had to coax it out of her. It seems to me that you have everything you need for true R.
The thing with women's sexuality is that it's a lot more flexible than men's. Studies have shown that women get turned on by a lot of things in almost a random way. Women can get turned on by other women, even though they would swear that they are not turned on and have no homosexual feelings whatsoever. Men are conscious of what turns them on, for the most part, and don't cross those lines easily. Being drunk also lowers inhibitions by "shutting down" the prefrontal cortex to a degree. All of which is to say that if two drunk women make out it's not the least bit surprising that it went further. And she may well have not enjoyed it, but being drunk and aroused she just went with it without really knowing what else to do. It was also somewhat difficult to avoid it reoccurring if she was drunk and in the presence of other women with a penchant for experimentation. I doubt she got up that morning with a preconceived evening game-plan for bisexuality.
Lesson learned: wife shouldn't get drunk in the presence of other women without you around. Second lesson: if wife has bisexual friends, she might be best off finding other friends.
On the surface it may seem galling to say this but she also has trust issues whether it is emotionally safe for her to come to you and share her deepest thoughts and feelings (intimacy). That is not to say that you don't have every right to be angry at her actions, but anger - and its twin sibling, bitterness - can be toxic -like alcohol - IF you allow it to rule your interactions with your wife. It can be an obstacle to finding out the truth because it makes you look - in her eyes - like you can't handle the truth. So when you get angry, catch yourself before opening your mouth and then ask yourself "What is the point in getting angry at something that has already happened and can't be undone?" and "How is getting angry going to help me getting the whole truth from her?.
As far as your wife's bi-sexual tendencies are concerned, they pose a double risk since she now has to setup the same kind of boundaries with women that she has setup with men. She must if she has any hope of staying married to you.
I agree with that, too, and have let her know that any experimentation is not excused strictly because it's experimentation. However, all of this happened before we were married. Two occurrences did occur while we were engaged, though.
you know who you married people ignore that very often than shocked later. Here is the thing you wont change her sexual tendencies or her preferences nor will you change her personality. You have to decide if you are okay with the cheating and the lying which are all bad signs.
Based on the story you have shared, to me it seems like there is a little more (or a lot in your W's perspective) that she isn't telling you. It is very likely the OM did not go in the house, it was probably sexual intercourse with both OM and OMW - to you it seems the details do not matter, cheating is cheating whether its with a woman, multiple women or man and a woman.
If that was all before making your marital vows I think you can put it to rest knowing she is faithful, but the problem is that because she has lied and seems to be continuing to lie there is no way for you to trust her. My concern would be what if this affair has been going on ever since?
It seems this is all about a matter of trust for you, as it should be, so if your W seems remorseful and wants to be married and not have affairs then tell her, ask her for the truth and when she says she has come clean about everything schedule a polygraph test and follow it through to its end. If she is expecting to be able to always hide stuff from you it makes her untrustworthy as a W.
On the surface it may seem galling to say this but she also has trust issues whether it is emotionally safe for her to come to you and share her deepest thoughts and feelings (intimacy). That is not to say that you don't have every right to be angry at her actions, but anger - and its twin sibling, bitterness - can be toxic -like alcohol - IF you allow it to rule your interactions with your wife. It can be an obstacle to finding out the truth because it makes you look - in her eyes - like you can't handle the truth. So when you get angry, catch yourself before opening your mouth and then ask yourself "What is the point in getting angry at something that has already happened and can't be undone?" and "How is getting angry going to help me getting the whole truth from her?.
As far as your wife's bi-sexual tendencies are concerned, they pose a double risk since she now has to setup the same kind of boundaries with women that she has setup with men. She must if she has any hope of staying married to you.
Based on the story you have shared, to me it seems like there is a little more (or a lot in your W's perspective) that she isn't telling you. It is very likely the OM did not go in the house, it was probably sexual intercourse with both OM and OMW - to you it seems the details do not matter, cheating is cheating whether its with a woman, multiple women or man and a woman.
If that was all before making your marital vows I think you can put it to rest knowing she is faithful, but the problem is that because she has lied and seems to be continuing to lie there is no way for you to trust her. My concern would be what if this affair has been going on ever since?
It seems this is all about a matter of trust for you, as it should be, so if your W seems remorseful and wants to be married and not have affairs then tell her, ask her for the truth and when she says she has come clean about everything schedule a polygraph test and follow it through to its end. If she is expecting to be able to always hide stuff from you it makes her untrustworthy as a W.
How very right you are. Now she's trickle-truthing more to me as I'm putting the screws to her about it.
Get a polygraph for her as a way to get all the cards on the table.
I don't think it's that she doesn't feel safe telling you she cheated the problem is she knows she cheated and she knows if the situation was reversed that she would divorce you.
You need to handle this carefully, because she just might loose respect for you if you just get over it. Clearly in her head, just getting over it isn't right, so if you do it she will loose trust in your judgement. Is that messed up or what? But it's also a real thing. Posted via Mobile Device
Get a polygraph for her as a way to get all the cards on the table.
I don't think it's that she doesn't feel safe telling you she cheated the problem is she knows she cheated and she knows if the situation was reversed that she would divorce you.
You need to handle this carefully, because she just might loose respect for you if you just get over it. Clearly in her head, just getting over it isn't right, so if you do it she will loose trust in your judgement. Is that messed up or what? But it's also a real thing. Posted via Mobile Device
How do these things become so tangled and jumbled up?
One of my guiding principles is that I make solid decisions based on fact. My wife is trickle truthing to me now another event, this one after we were married. How am I supposed to gather facts through this complex web of deceit?
I wrote down a timeline. I even gave her a calendar with all the dates listed on it. For me I only shared a little with my WS where I got my information. It is like peeling an onion. One layer at a time. I did not believe anything from her unless I could prove it at first. I knew when she was lying and when she was telling the truth (for the most part). Your wife was living a fantasy, a lie, so it comes easy for them to continue lying.
You are a Joe Friday guy, "Only the facts, ma'am". If that is what you need then do not settle for anything less.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
While I don't hold much credence for polygraph testing, just demanding one can be the cattle prod to bring out the whole truth in a spouse who is engaging in trickle truth. But I would caution you and only recommend this IF it becomes unbearable for you to wait for her to feel safe in opening up and confessing the whole truth to you. Give her a choice, the whole truth or the poly.
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Re: Finally landed on the CWI Forum, Need Advice 
