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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-22-2012, 12:16 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Can you bait the OMW for more details? She never revealed the extent of their making out initially right?
Not the full extent. It was the OMW that trickled to me that they kissed, my wife who admitted that it went further.

They both claim that the OM went to bed. They were very drunk, and after really grilling my wife about it, she says he went to bed before anything happened. He had been pushing OMW to kiss my wife in general but not specifically that night. When he saw that it wasn't happening that night in the hot tub, he went to bed and passed out. Then my wife and OMW felt safe enough to experiment with each other. OMW admitted to me before all this ever came out that she's also bi-curious.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:18 PM   #32 (permalink)
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While I don't hold much credence for polygraph testing, just demanding one can be the cattle prod to bring out the whole truth in a spouse who is engaging in trickle truth. But I would caution you and only recommend this IF it becomes unbearable for you to wait for her to feel safe in opening up and confessing the whole truth to you. Give her a choice, the whole truth or the poly.
After all this trickle-truthing seemed to have ended, I asked her if she would submit to a poly. She whole-heartedly agreed and said she'd do whatever it took to win my trust back.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:26 PM   #33 (permalink)
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If I read this right she has not broken your marriage vows. Your wife was a young bride, you know it is so common for college woman to be bi-curious that it is almost a right-of-passage (usually drunken episodes). I expect the (undisclosed) numbers on this is high.

IMO you are making a mountain out of a very small mole-hill. I suggest strongly to chalk it up to a drunken expierement and both if you put it away. It seems to me your dramatics are stressing your wife to physical reaction.

Get over it and move on with your life and marriage....if you keep it up with your drama and over reaction you may be risking your marriage as your wife will build resentment fir having to relive her slightly naughty - drunken expuerement over and over and over again.
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Two these events occurred while you weren't married. I think you are making way too much over it as well.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:49 PM   #34 (permalink)
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I beg to differ with calif_hope and KanDo in that just because it happened while you were dating and she had sex with another woman doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful as if she had done it with the OM. To me it is the same as her having had sex with a male dancer while drunk at a bachelorette party and chosen not to tell you for fear of you calling it quits.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:51 PM   #35 (permalink)
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I beg to differ with calif_hope and KanDo in that just because it happened while you were dating and she had sex with another woman doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful as if she had done it with the OM. To me it is the same as her having had sex with a male dancer while drunk at a bachelorette party and chosen not to tell you for fear of you calling it quits.

not only that but he married under false pretenses
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:58 PM   #36 (permalink)
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not only that but he married under false pretenses
I wholeheartedly agree.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:06 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Keep them 'Likes' coming AR, that Lamborghini is almost mine.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:08 PM   #38 (permalink)
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you need two trillion likes for that prize
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:27 PM   #39 (permalink)
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I beg to differ with calif_hope and KanDo in that just because it happened while you were dating and she had sex with another woman doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful as if she had done it with the OM. To me it is the same as her having had sex with a male dancer while drunk at a bachelorette party and chosen not to tell you for fear of you calling it quits.
For me, being engaged and being married are two similar to just waive off these incidents. From the moment I asked her to marry me until about the end of the second year of marriage were a honeymoon period when we are both very attracted to each other. Had she cheated after I asked her to marry me, there would not have been a wedding.

I think most people think that way, so I would not counsel the OP to do otherwise.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:43 PM   #40 (permalink)
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After all this trickle-truthing seemed to have ended, I asked her if she would submit to a poly. She whole-heartedly agreed and said she'd do whatever it took to win my trust back.
So go ahead and do it, otherwise she is just calling your bluff. If she follows through and comes clean and is deemed trustworthy then you can stop looking back at this episode and start enjoying married life again.

As to others claiming this cheating happened before the wedding, sure there is some relevance despite it still being generally accepted that engagement is a committed and monogamous arrangement, however after the vows she is still behaving as if she is hiding this, your shaken trust is reasonable, even if it turns out she hadn't broken the covenant.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:40 PM   #41 (permalink)
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I beg to differ with calif_hope and KanDo in that just because it happened while you were dating and she had sex with another woman doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful as if she had done it with the OM. To me it is the same as her having had sex with a male dancer while drunk at a bachelorette party and chosen not to tell you for fear of you calling it quits.
I agree completely. She agrees that these things were all very bad and that they fully constitute cheating.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:41 PM   #42 (permalink)
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For me, being engaged and being married are two similar to just waive off these incidents. From the moment I asked her to marry me until about the end of the second year of marriage were a honeymoon period when we are both very attracted to each other. Had she cheated after I asked her to marry me, there would not have been a wedding.

I think most people think that way, so I would not counsel the OP to do otherwise.
Again, I've let her know that this is how I feel, and she agrees that it was cheating and that she screwed up big time.
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Old 02-22-2012, 03:33 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Well, she's obviously sorry and she feels bad about it. Plus, she seems to have told you the truth, though you had to coax it out of her. It seems to me that you have everything you need for true R.

The thing with women's sexuality is that it's a lot more flexible than men's. Studies have shown that women get turned on by a lot of things in almost a random way. Women can get turned on by other women, even though they would swear that they are not turned on and have no homosexual feelings whatsoever. Men are conscious of what turns them on, for the most part, and don't cross those lines easily. Being drunk also lowers inhibitions by "shutting down" the prefrontal cortex to a degree. All of which is to say that if two drunk women make out it's not the least bit surprising that it went further. And she may well have not enjoyed it, but being drunk and aroused she just went with it without really knowing what else to do. It was also somewhat difficult to avoid it reoccurring if she was drunk and in the presence of other women with a penchant for experimentation. I doubt she got up that morning with a preconceived evening game-plan for bisexuality.

Lesson learned: wife shouldn't get drunk in the presence of other women without you around. Second lesson: if wife has bisexual friends, she might be best off finding other friends.
This is actually very insightful. All of this experimentation except one incident was when she was big into the Gay Straight Alliance at her college. The GSA is a college-oriented GLBT rights activist group. She was at GSA parties, so she wasn't just around people with a penchant for experimentation, she was partying with self-affirmed lesbians. She said that she was sloppy drunk and that she didn't necessarily want it, she just felt like she should because of the people she was around.

Still, I find that hard to accept. One time, maybe, but three? That's not an incident, that's a pattern. Of course it could be that the parameters of being drunk around lesbians is her trigger for that, but ultimately people are responsible for their actions. I don't know, this is all very confusing.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:32 PM   #44 (permalink)
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So if she down the road is friends with mommies that cheat, will she jump into too so she can fit in?

She just isn't owning her choices to cheat here. She is excusing them away. Mark my words, if you don't really deal with this now, especially consequences,it will happen again because your wife will down the road will again rationalize why cheating in a particular circumstance is ok.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:55 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally landed on the CWI Forum, Need Advice

D,

You are right there is nothing wrong with being bisexual.

There is something wrong when you lie and cheat on a spouse, fiance or significant other.

If they have to lie then they know it is wrong to do.

I am glad you are open minded but shaggy is right that her cheating/boundary issues need to be addressed.

She definitely has self esteem issues methinks as well!

Good Luck and Do Not give up on Her Yet!

HM64

Last edited by happyman64; 02-22-2012 at 08:42 PM.
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