How do we get OW to leave us alone?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-22-2012, 01:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do we get OW to leave us alone?

DH had an EA/PA which lasted about 1 1/2 years, prior to that he had 4 ONS (OW was ONS #5 which developed into a LT affair). DD was one year ago, after which we had about 6 months of false recovery. So we are really only about 6 months into true reconciliation. He is remorseful, we are both in counseling (IC and MC) and we have made great progress towards rebuilding the strong marriage we once had. Our families and friends are very supportive so we both think we stand a good chance of making it work.

Our only problem is the OW doesn't seem to get the message. DH broke up with her via email and told her not to ever contact him again. He has blocked her phone numbers, changed his email addresses, and give me access to everything. If someone calls him from a number he doesn't recognize, he doesn't answer it and then adds that number to his blocked list. All of her email addresses are blocked as well. Now she is creating new email addresses and sending him strange emails (ie posing as a former male coworker saying she needs to discuss something work-related with him) and has done this twice in the last couple of months. He shows me these emails immediately and deletes them & blocks the address. We are ignoring all attempts at contact as both of our ICs have advised. The other night she figured out where he was and approached him in a parking lot. She told him she can't get over him and doesn't understand why he didn't leave me. He told her she needs to move on and he is trying to make our marriage work; told her he is in love with me. He got in the car and left and told me about this as soon as he got home.

Even though he is doing the right thing, these attempts at contact are VERY disruptive to our lives. We are both trying to put this behind us and this digs up a lot of pain for both of us. DH now walks around on the verge of vomiting because he doesn't know when the next surprise will come. I have been filled with anger and vengeance- I have information that could cost her her career, cause her ExH (she was cheating on him; he doesn't know) to try and take her children away, make some of her friends abandon her, and make her extended family and in-laws despise her. But I am trying to take the high road. I also have a public image to uphold and I fear she will try to embarrass me publicly. This has created so much anxiety in our lives we have considered moving but we don't want to give her that power over us. What can we do? Keep ignoring and hope she gives up eventually? She has daddy issues/abandonment issues which I think are causing her to act crazy.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

****I have information that could cost her her career, cause her ExH (she was cheating on him; he doesn't know) to try and take her children away, make some of her friends abandon her, and make her extended family and in-laws despise her. But I am trying to take the high road.****


If you are looking for permission, then I grant you that. These days I don't have a lot patience of other people who keeping putting a boot into my life.

*** I also have a public image to uphold and I fear she will try to embarrass me publicly.***

This will require some strategy. But you do realise, even if you do nothing to blacken her reputation, she may still lash out at yours. so holding back may not do you any favors.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

see a lawyer- get a restraining order
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

and tell the exhubby anyways, he deserves to know
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

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Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
and tell the exhubby anyways, he deserves to know
I really really really really want to, but when I think about it, I always consider the results:
1) It will probably encourage her to lash out at me;
2) It will ruin the co-parenting relationship she has with her exH and ultimately make life harder for their young children, and;
3) cause a tremendous amount of pain for her exH for no real purpose other than to make me feel like I got revenge.

If they were still married I would tell him in a heartbeat. I have thought about telling him a little bit and then telling her if she ever bothers us again I will tell him the whole story. But the reality is I think he is a nice guy and this will break him.

I think she deserves for him to know, but he doesn't, KWIM? Ugh, I HATE being put in this position.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

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Originally Posted by findingstrength View Post
I really really really really want to, but when I think about it, I always consider the results:
1) It will probably encourage her to lash out at me;
She's already lashing out at you


Quote:
Originally Posted by findingstrength View Post
2) It will ruin the co-parenting relationship she has with her exH and ultimately make life harder for their young children, and;
you don't know that for sure and perhaps he might be able to get more custody rights


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Originally Posted by findingstrength View Post
3) cause a tremendous amount of pain for her exH for no real purpose other than to make me feel like I got revenge.
He's already in pain and probably blaming himself- it would be a tremendous burden lifted off his shoulders. I've seen this before with other posters exposures.


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If they were still married I would tell him in a heartbeat. I have thought about telling him a little bit and then telling her if she ever bothers us again I will tell him the whole story. But the reality is I think he is a nice guy and this will break him.

I think she deserves for him to know, but he doesn't, KWIM? Ugh, I HATE being put in this position.
it's not about revenge, it's about doing the right thing for somebody and unfortunately you have put into that position.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

It's a consequence of your husband's reckless ways. You can't just make someone fall in love with you and dump them by email.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

Fight fire with fire. Though you have no intention to do this, you should get in contact with OW and invite her to join you and your DH for a threesome. Or maybe just the two of you. Write something ridiculous about sharing the experience. It may be enough to spook them to leave you alone.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

Why are you protecting her by covering up the affair for her? Expose it today, then she'll be busy dealing with the fallout from the truth.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

A letter informing her that if she continues you will get a restraining order. Send a copy of the letter to your attorney, make sure you have it notarized and require delivery confirmation with signature. Then if she continues to try to initiate contact, you can get a restraining order showing that she is not honoring your request. That's known as harassment. She can explain to her family and whomever (employer, etc.) why she has to go to court or why police came to her job to give her a notice, who cares? She didn't! But it's best to give warning first, so that you have proof she's harassing you. This preserves your honor, and perhaps your peace of mind. And literal peace.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

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Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
A letter informing her that if she continues you will get a restraining order. Send a copy of the letter to your attorney, make sure you have it notarized and require delivery confirmation with signature. Then if she continues to try to initiate contact, you can get a restraining order showing that she is not honoring your request. That's known as harassment. She can explain to her family and whomever (employer, etc.) why she has to go to court or why police came to her job to give her a notice, who cares? She didn't! But it's best to give warning first, so that you have proof she's harassing you. This preserves your honor, and perhaps your peace of mind. And literal peace.
Yeah and most people freak when they see anything from an attorney. If she won't stop this is the route I'd go.

As much fun as it might be I would not do as lovestruckout suggest - never fight crazy by trying to act crazy yourself. They will almost always be more committed than you and then to everyone else you both look crazy.

IMO ignoring her is the best bet - nothing says F you like indifference but if she's showing up in parking lots you may be past that. My OW lobbed contact attempts at me for about a year. My wife and I basically ended up giving her a mutual "go the fvck away" before she finally got the hint.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
A letter informing her that if she continues you will get a restraining order. Send a copy of the letter to your attorney, make sure you have it notarized and require delivery confirmation with signature. Then if she continues to try to initiate contact, you can get a restraining order showing that she is not honoring your request. That's known as harassment. She can explain to her family and whomever (employer, etc.) why she has to go to court or why police came to her job to give her a notice, who cares? She didn't! But it's best to give warning first, so that you have proof she's harassing you. This preserves your honor, and perhaps your peace of mind. And literal peace.
QFT (Quoted for Truth!!)

This is exactly correct. First, document what you have sent (either your hubby or you two as a couple) asking her to end contact. Send an email? Print it. A letter? Copy it. The point of this is to show some proof that you asked her nicely to stop.

Second, document what you have done in an attempt to end contact, such as changing phone numbers, changing busines and personal email addresses, blocking phone numbers, blocking email addresses, etc. The point of this is to show you have taken concrete steps to AVOID contact.

Third, document her attempts to contact up to this point. If possible PRINT her emails, texts, whatever. Write on the printout the lengths she went to in order to break No Contact (such as "Since her business and personal email is blocked, she used a male co-workers email to try to contact."). The point of this is to show how she attempts to circumvent your request and your clear actions to no longer have contact.

THEN...follow what Homemaker said. Write a letter that firmly demands NO CONTACT. Have the letter notarized. Send the original to her via Certified, Return Receipt and one copy to your attorney and one copy you keep. Keep either the postcard indicating she signed for it...or indicating she refused it (this is to prove that you attempted to legally make a demand).

At that point if she makes any attempt to contact again, do not warn her or yell or threaten or anything. Just go straight to the attorney or the courthouse and file for a restraining order. You have plenty of evidence already really. After that is put in place, if she tries again, she goes to JAIL!!!
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Old 02-22-2012, 08:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do we get OW to leave us alone?

Have you tried contacting her yourself and asking her to stop? I went though something very simular and when the OW kept contacting my exH, I called and spoke to her directly, much to my suprise he was still seeing her and lying to me. I felt like such an idiot, but in the end it turned out. I'm now happily divorced and he lost both of us.
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