in shock
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-22-2012, 11:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I have been married to my best friend for 6 years. As soon as we first met, we knew we had something that only comes around once in a lifetime. We had the marriage that everyone wants. We never argued.We took fantastic trips together. We pretty well dropped all of friends over time because we just wanted to be together. My husband was my hero. I have never met anybody who was so honest, respectable, caring and protective. He was my hero. I have never met anybody that had a bad word to say about him.He travels for his job, going out of state for long periods of time. When he was within 10 hour drive, I would go visit him or he would come home on long weekends. Then he went really far away around July of last year. I drove 4 days to spend a week with him in late Sept, then drove 4 days home.
He came home for Thanksgiving/Anniversary, then again for almost 3 weeks for Christmas. He took a fall on the job and got beat up pretty bad. I got the call from some hospital saying they had my husband. I have never been so afraid in my life!!
I wanted to jump on a plane and go to him but I had to wait a week. He was doing good on his own, just needed help with little things, like fastening pants and washing up.( he broke his arm). I flew there on Feb 2 and we had a great time together. It was like a second honeymoon. I was supposed to fly home that Sunday but decided to rent a car and drive, taking alot of his stuff with me. I am riding with him and he gets a phone call
from some woman. He panics and says he doesn't know who it is, but her name comes up on caller ID. He finally admits that he had been "talking" to a girl. So there I was stuck in a hotel room in a place I knew nothing about, so far from home. Over the next couple days, more and more comes out. Now its 4 girls, one he doesn't remember her name. He admits to kissing them, getting turned on but swears there was never sex. These were girls he was meeting at bars.3 of them he met out again. He actually went to one's house to meet her kids. We both drove home to try to work on this but I just don't know how. We saw a counselor once so far. He says he doesn't know why he did these, giving me the whole"I love you more than anything, I don't know what I would do without you"thing. I found out yesterday that he was slipping off while I was there with him to talk to these girls. He doesn't remember doing that but the phone bills tell the story. I just don't see how I am supposed to deal with this. How can I ever trust him again? How can I live without him? Why would he destroy what we had?
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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First off, you gotta put your foot down. If he loved you, then WHY is he cheating on you? You can blame being drunk for only a couple of things. If he really loved you, he wouldn't do that.

It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you if you plan on staying with him. In order for this to continue, he's going to have to cut off his relationships with these other women by his own choice. Talking to friends openly is one thing, but kissing? Well, I'm so sorry for you!

You need to go to more marriage counseling and make it clear that you won't tolerate this. I could be wrong, but this guy doesn't sound like he's sorry. As for regaining trust...well, trust is something he has to earn. It's not something you can just give to him. It sounds like he's making a huge mistake here.

Why would he destroy it? I think the only person who could answer why he did what he did was him.

I am sure that you can live without him. After all, you did have a life before.

Now that he is exposed, this needs to be taken care of and the best way to do that is probably to start with regular counseling.
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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we do plan to continue with counseling, have appt tomorrow. He doesn't drink, a recovering alcoholic. He says he missed talking to a woman but he would call me then immediately call them. He says he was lonely. Well so was I !! Now it kinda sounds like he wants to blame me some.
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well, don't let him manipulate you.

What he did was wrong. Sure, he might have his "reasons" but imho, that doesn't mean you have to cheat.

If he was lonely, he could have done something with you. After all, there is webcamming and toys all over the world, to be frank.

You took your vows; he should respect them rather than trying to weedle out of it.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I have always been a strong person but when all this came out, I was in shock. Caught completely off guard. I have not yelled or cried yet. This has been week and half ago and still cannot get to that point. I just start shaking and can't stop, sometimes for hours on end. Going to Dr Friday to see about getting on some meds. This is not who am I. just want to be normal again.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:39 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: in shock

Read here and LEARN please for your own sake.
You have a long road ahead no matter what you ultimately choose to do. I am sorry you're here and "in the club" that none of us wants to belong to.

You need to first deal with getting honesty. He remembers making these phone calls that the records show he's made. He's not being honest. And if he can't now be honest, you have nothing to work for, nothing to fight to keep.

That means putting your foot down.
Expect trickle truth. Expect that you do NOT know everytung that happened yet... more is coming. Brace yourself. It is almost NEVER "just kissing"... I heard that for days and weeks... it was more, although supposedly not sex. First I heard they kissed once or twice. Then several times. Then fondling, phone sex, shirt off... just know that in a hiotel room on the road far from home, lonely drunk horny it is very difficult to imagine "only kissing".

Back to getting honesty: Decide what you *want* to know as far as details, then demand it gets spilled and revealed ALL, right now and keep on it till you are satisfied. Make it clear that no more lies will be tolerated.

Get 100% full transparency, now. Open access to cell phones, emails, chat logs, computer, devices, everything -- all open. Then look. Learn, investigate and validate what he's telling you.

Make 2 plans: One for if you decide to stay, how you will progress. And another one for if you split up with him, how that will go down. Because as you decide, things will start to spiral quickly and you will want to rely on what you've taken the time to plan.

Communicate -- speaking, writing, and listening, and don't avoid taking the time to write things down to keep them clear in your head or so that you will remember them.

Breathe, and remember to eat. Go slowly. Nothing has to get decided today. Good luck.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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thank you so much for the advice!! I just joined this site yesterday and it seems its more bashing than talking and helping. There probably is more he is not telling me and I will accept that. For now. I have been thru the "thats all that happened, I swear"thing just to be told about more later. I go thru his phone and the phone bill online in case he is deleting things. But all he has to do is get a prepaid phone and I would never know. He will have to go back out of state to work once he heals up. I told him that I am getting together with my daughters to have a few drinks and he is really having a hard time with that. He thinks I will retaliate. Its like all the sudden he doesn't know me at all.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Dont yell and dont cry. Infidelity as it seems is a disease of mind and comes out unexpected ways. I am not 100% sure it is curable, particularly for a person that you described. **** happens, but now the real thing is to deal with it. You need to setup a boundary on how you are going to give him the opportunity to make things up (not temporarily), or how much you can tolerate. Good thing to do is to find exactly what he does. When you have all the evidence, making up your mind will be easier.

No matter what - take good care of yourself. I know its hard - but eat and sleep well and compartmentalize life to have some good time. These are really sticky things. I find comfort in listening to others in this forum. may be you will too. You are not alone to deal with these diseased persons.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: in shock

[QUOTE=ninnie;601343]thank you so much for the advice!! I just joined this site yesterday and it seems its more bashing than talking and helping.

In here it's not so much bashing as it's really the brutal truth, painfull to hear sometimes, stick around read others stories, you will see


There probably is more he is not telling me and I will accept that. For now. I have been thru the "thats all that happened, I swear"thing just to be told about more later.

It's call the called the trickle truth


I go thru his phone and the phone bill online in case he is deleting things. But all he has to do is get a prepaid phone and I would never know. He will have to go back out of state to work once he heals up.
I told him that I am getting together with my daughters to have a few drinks and he is really having a hard time with that. He thinks I will retaliate. Its like all the sudden he doesn't know me at all

Good it's becuase he afraid he's going to lose you and he should be scared out of his frigging mind that you will walk....let him stew on that for a bit.

Sorry you are here...

Last edited by strugglinghusband; 02-23-2012 at 11:26 AM.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for the advice and support. He is atleast talking to his friends now and telling them what he has done. This is such a big step for him. He has always been such a decent man, it has to be hard for him to admit he messed up. We are going to counseling today together then he start going separately.
By the way, the trickle truth sucks. It's like somebody beating you up, very slowly. Just kick my ass and get it over with!!
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I agree with strugglinghusband. Since you love him and he is your hero, monitor. Dont take a decision now. Wait.
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Old 02-23-2012, 04:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninnie View Post
Thank you so much for the advice and support. He is atleast talking to his friends now and telling them what he has done. T
My wife didnt. She counter attacked with completely false charges. I am living my life but yes, it hurts twice.

Once again - sorry you are here. But this is like Olive Garden - once you are here you are part of the family
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: in shock

Sorry you are here.

Get tested for STD's. Yea, you need to do it.

You are going to find out that your honest husband is very dishonest and you are going to hear lie after lie.

Kissing is code for we had sex multiple times.

Tell him to stop the "I love you's". It is insulting and a lie at this time. If he loved you he would have not done the nasty things he did to you.

Doesn't remember? Another lie.

Don't worry about trust at this time. Trust has been shattered.

How can you live without him? Our world centered around our best friend, our hero, our trustworthy campanion, our soulmate.

Your husband has died. The husband you knew or thought you knew. And the grief you are going to feel and am feeling will be the worst thing you have ever experienced.

My lovely, caring, supportive wife cheated on me and my D-day was Nov. 29th, 2011.

What you had or thought you had is no longer there.

We are working things out. And it is the hardest thing I ever had to face. Today I feel like I may not make it. My wife called me several times today (I live hours away during the week) and she knows I am struggling. First thing this morning she said I want you to know that I love you. throughout the day she called and asked how I was doing? and I told her I am having a really rough time. She said let's talk about it.

My wife gets it and is putting forth a good effort in trying to help me heal, but when you find out just how rotten they are, you wonder is it worth the effort.

I hope you find healing but prepare yourself for many bad days.
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Old 02-23-2012, 06:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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You should start reading here.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
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