Snowflake. I am not sure I am getting this from the posts. Is he truly sorry about what happened? Is he open to you asking questions that you have? are you guys in MC?
You will go from Denial to anger and back and forth. This is something you both need to talk a great deal about and whatever happens do not let him sweep it under the rug.
Hold on. You will, in time, realize that it is they who strayed away. You will eventually come to terms with betrayal. All this forum have undergone this. Whether you do R or D, the anger refuses to go away. There is no getting over it, only coming to terms with it.
Snowflake. I am not sure I am getting this from the posts. Is he truly sorry about what happened? Is he open to you asking questions that you have? are you guys in MC?
You will go from Denial to anger and back and forth. This is something you both need to talk a great deal about and whatever happens do not let him sweep it under the rug.
No were not in MC .
He really does seem to be sorry .He has been treating me like he used to before we were married leaving me notes and presents and stuff .
As to asking him about it ,well he is the type of guy where you don't rehash stuff ,you don't keep bringing things up .
Always been like this since I have known him which is 20 plus years .
He says guys prove their are sorry and that is that no need to keep bringing up the past .
The only nagging thing I have in my mind is that other social network site .
he says he deleted himself off of there .Its not that I don't believe him ,I just want to know about the OW .
I know there is like no chance I will ever see her one good thing is she lives in a different country .
So other than that I don't really have much else bothering me
Snow, hate to say this but not talking about it and burying it is not healthy. I found the healthiest thing for me was to talk with my wife about when I am bothered by her EA. It's not easy for her to hear it but if I bury my hurt and don't feel like I can talk to her about it I might as well just divorce her. She understands that she caused me pain and talking about my issues helps me heal and she want me healthy becuase that keeps us healthy in our relationship.
Snow, hate to say this but not talking about it and burying it is not healthy. I found the healthiest thing for me was to talk with my wife about when I am bothered by her EA. It's not easy for her to hear it but if I bury my hurt and don't feel like I can talk to her about it I might as well just divorce her. She understands that she caused me pain and talking about my issues helps me heal and she want me healthy becuase that keeps us healthy in our relationship.
I just don't know how to bring it up with out causing a conflict .Like I said he is well its over its over quit beating a dead horse .
It may be a dead horse but nobody gave it a proper burial yet...
Tell him that refusing to talk to you is hurting your healing. You respect he wants to move on but he has to realize the pain he caused you will take time. The more he can talk to you about it the sooner you can have funeral services for the horse.
It may be a dead horse but nobody gave it a proper burial yet...
Tell him that refusing to talk to you is hurting your healing. You respect he wants to move on but he has to realize the pain he caused you will take time. The more he can talk to you about it the sooner you can have funeral services for the horse.
I am not sure how much I want to know vs what I need to know
do you know what I mean ?
He says it was only 3 days he swears to this even so how much could have happened in 3 days ?
3 days, 3 years. Something unhealthy in his views led to the EA. You don't understand it, none of us do. If you are to trust him he needs to respect your need to know. Each of us has different things we NEED to know. I told my spouse I wanted to know everything. Location, what they did, who did what to whom. I had to know it all because my MM were like really bad porn movies and I needed reality. Reality didn't help as it was a bad porn but it helped me stop dreaming and focus on what happened.
Ask how he would feel if it were reversed. Could he let it go if you told him it was a dead horse?
Of course he wants you to not bring it up. Hopefully he's damned ashamed of himself. None of us like to talk about things we did that were wrong and hurtful. But he HAS to talk to you and answer all your questions. He should WANT to.
Have a look at the link in my sig about understanding, copy and paste it and have him read it. The WS don't understand the level of betrayal, so they may not understand what we need as a BS. There are other links here that deal with this also - poke around, look at the stickies and other peoples sigs. I dont' have time to link them all right now or I would. This is really important.
I guess I want closure I think that is what I am seeking .
I don't wish to rehash anything .
I only want to now everything out in the open and no secrets
3 days, 3 years. Something unhealthy in his views led to the EA. You don't understand it, none of us do. If you are to trust him he needs to respect your need to know. Each of us has different things we NEED to know. I told my spouse I wanted to know everything. Location, what they did, who did what to whom. I had to know it all because my MM were like really bad porn movies and I needed reality. Reality didn't help as it was a bad porn but it helped me stop dreaming and focus on what happened.
Ask how he would feel if it were reversed. Could he let it go if you told him it was a dead horse?
All I know is he said it started because I was in a bad mood .We had tried to sell an item and we thought we had and then person brought back item and wanted their money back .I said he was to nice about it 'cause anyone else would have said no way .
It placed a finacial hurt on us over this and so yeah I was mad I admit it .
Do I think this is what caused it ? No maybe I don't know .For me things build up and then they explode like dynamite .
The BIGGEST hurt I have is the words I saw from OW in a email that is my biggest hurt of them all .Still makes me cry thinking about it .
How in the world could they use those words .....
I am not sure how much I want to know vs what I need to know
do you know what I mean ?
He says it was only 3 days he swears to this even so how much could have happened in 3 days ?
The first story I got was that it was only 3 days, and he swore to it also. It turned out to be a 9 month A ( at least ). If this isn't hashed out he is a lot more likely to do it again. If he is allowed to sweep it under the rug he has suffered very little negative consequences from his choice, and you may actually be enabling him to repeat it . MC can help you sort it out as long as the MC is not a rug sweeper too. You do need to know with whom; how long ( really, not the cover story ); and what his "justification/rationalizations" were for opting for dishonesty and betrayal. I was numb for a while, and didn't know what to ask. When I started asking I got rug sweeping, because he was trying to keep his story straight, and limit the damage, which may be what is going on with your H. It took 10 months of insisting that he tell me the whole truth ( his is also a non talker )before most of it came out. The result was maximum damage to the relationship. Had he talked to me and told me everything from the beginning I don't think the relationship would have been leveled as it has been by his lies and half truths. So far I'm still here, but I take it a day at a time.
One of the things about getting my paperwork together for my divorce filing, and looking over records of calendar dates and activities I did on those dates (my husband was deployed when I found out about his lying, etc.) and also the little reminders your account statements show, like the times i gassed up after driving an hour each way for therapy, books I bought on half.com relating to marriage (and eventually, abuse), etc. is that I was reminded of how much I did for myself and how much I walked away with in the marriage (not financially, I'm asking for nothing...as I was able to figure out early on this was not the marriage for me...) so I realized today that entire days go by when I don't think about the marriage so much. I mean, I come on here and I state my eperience but then I walk away from it and have a life that arose from leaving that marriage, but is comprised of all the hopes and dreams I had for myself and my children within the marriage. I feel sorry that my stbxh is not the kind of person who can truly enjoy this kind of life and needed to have more than that. But that's his issue, and I'm happy that I'm not that way, therefore this behavior and those values aren't with me. If that's getting over 'it' then yes. I am an attractive person and likeable (most days, now, I even like myself! LOL), and have fun but also work hard. I'm not perfect. My friends are like me. We all strive to do the right thing and when we feel awkward about how to handle something we talk about it, one way or another. It's good to be around people who at least try. I never really felt like I was second best or inferior, come to think about it, I was really just pissed at my husband for f*cking up our life. I never took it personally, except for what I did to myself in terms of staying too long and putting up with too much. I had this kind of value system that saw us as a team, and that it was somehow his role to be mean to me to get me to do what needed to be done for some kind of success. But, he really didn't have a clue. As a leader, he really s*cked. As an equal teammate (which I tried, before being a follower with him) he also fell short, he needed to be in control...so I gave him as much as I could. Oh well!
Edited to add:
OMG!!!!! I as washing the dishes after posting this and it hit me. The reason I was deceived for so long is not because I wasn't seeing what was going on, but because I saw it and couldn't believe it, what was going on in my mind was:
"NOBODY COULD BE THAT F*CKED UP, THEREFORE HE MUST NOT BE LYING AND IT'S ALL CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE."
2010 wife had an EA from April 23 till end of May. Very sexual. Most online. I rug swept it. Only contacted the OMW and we talked for about two hours. Tried to work on it between my WS and myself. My WS did not talk about it and lied and lied.
I went into IC and my IC told me that she would do it again and if the OM was local it would go PA.
It did. July 2011 EA then PA in Sept.
I exposed it to everyone.
We are working on R but it is hard.
My mistake in 2010 was I took care of myself (somewhat) but my WS did nothing and would not even talk about it. DO NOT GO THERE. MAKE HIM TALK.
I can only share what happened to me and I hope you do not find yourself there.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
I sent an email ,since I am better at writing out stuff than just talking .I mean that way I can say anything and not get tongue tied.I don't know what he thinks ,I think he read it ,yet he has not said anything to me .
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Re: For BS's..getting over "it"... 
