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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-23-2012, 11:22 PM   #31 (permalink)
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My husband just said to me yesterday that he looks forward to getting past this. Well, I do too, but his idea of getting past and mine - I wonder how different they are. I thought, "do you mean you look forward to when I don't bug you about it or ask questions or flip out watching TV shows like the Closer where there is adultery involved?" But I didn't say that.

Things *feel* good, he seems remorseful, but then, he lied to me. I don't know what to do with that. I am aware every day that I trusted him, too, while he was lying, and that no matter how good things feel, no matter how sweet he is or seemingly willing to comply with my requests, that is still a fact.

That's why I put away some money for myself, and told him that it was insurance, in case I needed to leave or file. So he knows that there will be consequences if he chooses to see her again.
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:06 AM   #32 (permalink)
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the thing is, cheaters got to "fool around" at the expense of their spouse, while the spouse is left to pick-up the pieces of the betrayal.

what fun.

they'll always be ahead on the scoreboard. and yes, people do keep score. you'd be a liar if you said you didn't.
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:51 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Snowflake View Post
All I know is he said it started because I was in a bad mood .

It placed a finacial hurt on us over this and so yeah I was mad I admit it .
Do I think this is what caused it ? No maybe I don't know .For me things build up and then they explode like dynamite .
Your H is blame shifting. He made the decision about his EA and he alone is the one to blame for his own actions. He did not need to include another person in your marriage.

The posts I have read about your story all seem to point to rug sweeping.

What's going to happen the next time you get upset? Is he going to do it again because you were mad? Instead of like a mature adult dealing with the situation and talking to you about it?
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:06 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Your H is blame shifting. He made the decision about his EA and he alone is the one to blame for his own actions. He did not need to include another person in your marriage.

The posts I have read about your story all seem to point to rug sweeping.

What's going to happen the next time you get upset? Is he going to do it again because you were mad? Instead of like a mature adult dealing with the situation and talking to you about it?
I don't know that is all I can honestly say .Time will tell
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Old 02-24-2012, 09:38 AM   #35 (permalink)
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the thing is, cheaters got to "fool around" at the expense of their spouse, while the spouse is left to pick-up the pieces of the betrayal.

what fun.

they'll always be ahead on the scoreboard. and yes, people do keep score. you'd be a liar if you said you didn't.
I agree. Not saying that someone should even the score, because I don't condone cheating in revenge either.

But the fact remains, one spouse got to go out and orgasm with someone else. There is now an imbalance in the marriage. And IMO, if the marriage carries on, the WS got away with it, and like you said, the BS gets to deal with the affair in their mind for the rest of their life. What fun indeed.
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:16 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

Is it fun, Dexter and Cledus?
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:16 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Its been about 3-4 weeks since wy wife ended her EA,it still eats at me and its a lot harder to get over than I thought,some days ar ok,some suck.I always thought a EA would be relatively easy to get over with since if the physical part never happened but its not.PA to me is much worse dont kow if I could get past that.
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:26 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Its been about 3-4 weeks since wy wife ended her EA,it still eats at me and its a lot harder to get over than I thought,some days ar ok,some suck.I always thought a EA would be relatively easy to get over with since if the physical part never happened but its not.PA to me is much worse dont kow if I could get past that.
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Your further along than I am I am only about 1 week since my discovery . Yeah some days are ok other s are tough ,yesterday was tough I am okay so far today .
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:46 PM   #39 (permalink)
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HA..ha..ha. I guess at this point I consider the weighted average of my wife. She's been horribly lousy at being monogamous and enough was enough. Now here we are, and I'm still a bit numb, but we work as a unit and we're good parents to our kids.

Post-nup has been signed a filed and she will not get any maintenance in the event we get divorced. So clearly this woman knows she fvcked up and blew it with a good man (I mean it makes it only that harder to process when your wife keeps telling you how perfect you are and it wasn't anything you done...along with her girlfriends asking her what in the hell was wrong with her for blowing it with a guy that treated her like I do).

To the point of getting over it. I don't think I even will as it's been too many years of games with this girl. You probably think I'm crazy for even sticking around, but back to the weighted average - in the event she can be a healthy person now, she's a good mom, caring, low maintenance, non-materialistic girl.

I know I'm looking at marriage like you would build a car online, but I'm so jaded at this point that I feel like there is a high chance to trade one set of problems for another. A faithful b!tch? Is that any better?

I'll never get over it, but perhaps the reminders are a good thing in my quest to never take $hit from anyone again.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:03 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Highwood, your husband is minimizing the seriousness of his offense. These things don't "just happen." They are the result of an individual having poor boundaries, or making a conscious decision to step over their boundaries. Don't allow him to run this game on you. You two should be in MC where you can feel safe expressing the hurt he has caused and where you can discuss the character traits which allowed him to do this. If you tend to be obsessive, as I am, ignoring the reality of this event in your relationship will haunt you for years. Consider checking in w/ an IC to find ways to deal w/ your pain. Took me a long time to reach that point. I'm glad I did.
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:45 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Is it fun, Dexter and Cledus?
Ok, I'll bite, since I know you are dying for us to ask. Is what fun?
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:02 PM   #42 (permalink)
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i don't think he gets the sarcasm.
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Old 02-24-2012, 05:32 PM   #43 (permalink)
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i don't think he gets the sarcasm.
Ok, I see it was reference to "What fun indeed" now.
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Old 02-24-2012, 05:37 PM   #44 (permalink)
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I'm feeling more positive every day,especially because of what I see comming from my wife,when it comes to our relationship,I feel...no I know she is genuine about this,and I am serious about what I need to do.She has posted on tams quite a bit also about us.Its funny but a crisis in the marriage....I guess is a good thing in a way.Yes, depends on what kind of problem(s) you have but went from miserable to confident and can feel that re-connection now.feels good and we both have learned so much.
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Old 02-26-2012, 01:57 AM   #45 (permalink)
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I feel...no I know she is genuine about this,and I am serious about what I need to do.
Huh. That is exactly what I thought - it felt right. I knew he was genuine. Then I found out he had been lying to me.

It feels right now, but now I have this knowledge that it can feel right while he is lying.
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