For BS's..getting over "it"...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-23-2012, 11:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default For BS's..getting over "it"...

Do you ever wonder if you will ever get over the betrayal? Whether it be an EA or PA..

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over H's EA...it was brief but sometimes still months later when I think about the secret email address, the instant messaging, etc. I still feel so angry about it. I think that to H. it wasn't a big deal it was just harmless flirting and sometimes that angers me that I think he doesn't get it!

I take my responsibility in my role in our marriage however what he did..I never would have done that to him. He has said a couple of times that he wasn't out looking it just happened. So yesterday I said to him..so you had no control in this situation...I also said I don't know if I want to stay married to someone who has no self control.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

Only way I'll ever get over being cheated on is to get rid of the cheater.

Because if I stay with them, I'll always be reminded in some way of what they did, the mind movies, the triggers. No thanks.

Does that mean I ever forget what the X did to me? No. Nobody ever forgets. But the only way to render any thoughts insignificant that do come to mind is for the cheater to become insignificant to me.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

That is what I think at times. Sometimes I think that unless I get "over it"..that it will in the end be the downfall of our marriage. I often wish that someone could tell me what to do..what decision to make. I still have feelings for him but however the anger inside of me always seems to be there..to never really go away. I hate it when I feel so angry...I find that it affects my concentration at work, etc.

As well, I find that I am almost obsessed with the details, etc. what did she look like, what conversations did they have, etc. etc.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

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That is what I think at times. Sometimes I think that unless I get "over it"..that it will in the end be the downfall of our marriage. I often wish that someone could tell me what to do..what decision to make. I still have feelings for him but however the anger inside of me always seems to be there..to never really go away. I hate it when I feel so angry...I find that it affects my concentration at work, etc.

As well, I find that I am almost obsessed with the details, etc. what did she look like, what conversations did they have, etc. etc.
You sound a bit like me .I too am trying to get over it ,seems like H is over it .
I am not really angry any more and I just found out last week .
I am sad he thought so little of me to complain to someone else .When he knows good and well how much he hates it when his mom or dad complain about the SIL or DIL .
I too am obsessed about details .I said was she prettier than me ? He was like no your about the same .I don't know if I should be hurt or ? I too wish i knew what all the chatting was about .
I have at times all most set up an account at the place where they met to be a real snoop.
All I can say is don't ya hate this club ?
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

The affairs did cause the downfall of "our" marriage so I don't expect to live long enough to "get over it".
The verbiage which spilled out during the divorce pointed out the many "faults" that I harbor, that I have no intentions in getting into any more long term relationships, and I don't expect to live long enough to correct even half of them
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You sound a bit like me .I too am trying to get over it ,seems like H is over it .
I am not really angry any more and I just found out last week .
I hate to be the one to tell you but it will come! I wasn't angry for the first few weeks after dday, it's been 9 weeks and I have days where I a feel anger I never knew possible.

Hold tight and welcome to the rollercoaster
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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That is what I think at times. Sometimes I think that unless I get "over it"..that it will in the end be the downfall of our marriage.
Wrong thinking. It isn't your reaction to basically what is tantamount to emotional abuse that will be the downfall of the marriage. The cheating would be.

Never EVER think that your spouse can cheat on you, but that its YOUR feelings after the fact that would tear down the marriage. It just isn't so.

Your spouse did this to you.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I hate to be the one to tell you but it will come! I wasn't angry for the first few weeks after dday, it's been 9 weeks and I have days where I a feel anger I never knew possible.
Thats because most of us are in too much shock and pain to be angry right away. We don't think clearly, have just been emotionally abused by our spouses cheating, and we slip into the desperation mode of being scared if the marriage does end.

Then after the dust settles, we start to think more clearly, we stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and start getting angry.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

No , I understand that! What I mean is that I want to bring it up all the time..make sarcastic comments, etc. about it!

I understand what you are saying...however I also think at some point especially in my situation where there is no contact, hasn't been for 5 months. As well I see where H. is trying to amend things...I just worry that my anger over this will eat me up. I do hope that it will abate over time. I do have a personality in that I do tend to hold on to things and stew and fret over them.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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No , I understand that! What I mean is that I want to bring it up all the time..make sarcastic comments, etc. about it!
Oh I would have too if I stayed with her. Just looking at her the couple of months after dday before I decided to divorce her, I saw nothing but "CHEATER" stamped across her forehead.

If I was with her to this day, I'm sure the triggers would be fewer and farther between, but I also know I'd feel the need to make sure she knew I don't have the luxury of forgetting what she did. That wasn't the life I wanted, so I left.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

I guess it depends what you mean by 'getting over it'. My hubby and I are together almost 2 years after D day#1 and have a much better relationship now than 2 years ago. It was like a wake up call for both of us. Do I still trigger sometimes? Of course. But the times are fewer and fewer. Do I look at him and think, WTF?!?!?!? Yep. But as we move farther away from the bad times and have more good times, it's far easier to let those WTF moments pass through me and away instead of hanging on to them.

I think if we had split for good it would be harder to let go of the negative feelings, because he wouldn't still be around canceling them out.

Of course if you don't have a remorseful spouse then none of this applies.
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I hate to be the one to tell you but it will come! I wasn't angry for the first few weeks after dday, it's been 9 weeks and I have days where I a feel anger I never knew possible.

Hold tight and welcome to the rollercoaster
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First I was in denial like no way .Then I was like shocked okay so it did happen then I got mad and angry and now I am like okay it happened now where do I go from here?
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: For BS's..getting over "it"...

Hope I am in the same boat. It will be 3 years after DDay at the end of March. I had a talk with the wife a week ago. I saw the scumbag on Valentine's Day and it triggered my anger. I sat down and talked to her. She was shaking with fear that I was going to end it and I still had all this emotion buring through me.
I told her the pain is less but there are still triggers (I listed out 14 of them) and it freaked her out. Our marriage is much stronger now but I told her she betrayed one of the key aspects of our vows and that is not hard to let go of. I love her more now that she is sober and clean for 2.5 years. We are healthier, we talk, we are rebuilding trust, we don't hold anything back to fester and grow into ugliness.
I too want the MM and triggers to end and I feel if I am able to truly forgive her I can. the thing is I feel if I forgive her it lessens the pain she made me feel and she needs to know I feel pain and most likely always will. She made a conscious decision to sleep with my best friend and while she was a full blown alcoholic then it doesn't excuse her. She needs to know I feel pain to remind her of how badly she hurt my and our relationship.
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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No , I understand that! What I mean is that I want to bring it up all the time..make sarcastic comments, etc. about it!

I understand what you are saying...however I also think at some point especially in my situation where there is no contact, hasn't been for 5 months. As well I see where H. is trying to amend things...I just worry that my anger over this will eat me up. I do hope that it will abate over time. I do have a personality in that I do tend to hold on to things and stew and fret over them.
Last night in a roundabout way I brought it kind of .I guess just to see a reaction not trying to be mean ,but saying stuff like it can happen to anyone if we don't watch out .
He seemed to turn red I mentioned it .
Not trying to hurt but wanting to see his reaction
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I guess it depends what you mean by 'getting over it'. My hubby and I are together almost 2 years after D day#1 and have a much better relationship now than 2 years ago. It was like a wake up call for both of us. Do I still trigger sometimes? Of course. But the times are fewer and fewer. Do I look at him and think, WTF?!?!?!? Yep. But as we move farther away from the bad times and have more good times, it's far easier to let those WTF moments pass through me and away instead of hanging on to them.

I think if we had split for good it would be harder to let go of the negative feelings, because he wouldn't still be around canceling them out.

Of course if you don't have a remorseful spouse then none of this applies.
You know that is kind of how I see mine also as a wake up call .
I too hope the marriage gets stronger
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