In The Dark

I haven't seen a scenario like this on here so I need some advice.

Long story short, my wife had an two-month EA with one of our neighbors last summer. We met them in June and from July until September, my wife and OM were texting and calling one another quite often. I suspected but didn't have any hard evidence until October. Once I found out, I confronted my wife with evidence, set up no contact stipulations with OM and informed OMW who was as livid as I was.

My wife and I went to counseling and she has been doing the work to reconcile. Things have been much better and she has shown true remorse for what she did. My wife also felt terrible for what she did to the OMW and wrote an apology letter to her. They had started to become good friends during the summer which is part of the reason my wife and OM had stopped their inappropriate behavior a month before I discovered the evidence.

Here's the problem(at least for me): The OMW has now forgiven my wife and her husband and has started initiating contact between our families. They live around the corner from us, she teaches our children at school and has children that like to play with my daughter. She is a sweet woman and I admire her ability to forgive but I'm not there yet and don't ever see myself wanting to be friends again with OM. She will contact my wife to go to the movies or will arrange for the kids to play together. Her husband and my wife still have not had contact yet since D-day(to my knowledge) but I feel these frequent meetings will eventually lead to some contact between the two.

Part of the problem I think is that the OMW was totally clueless about everything throughout the summer while I suspected something and was lied to by both OM and my wife about something inappropriate going on. He and I became good friends and he would text my wife while we were out together or on the golf course together. OMW never had either of those experiences so I guess that helped her in getting past everything.

My wife beat herself up pretty badly about what she did and having the OMW forgive her was a huge relief to her. I never set up no contact with OMW because I didn't think I would ever have to. Because of school, there really is no way to have no contact anyway because we have to deal with her a few times per week.

I just don't know how to handle. My wife is aware and will try to minimize contact but she also doesn't want to offend the person who just forgave her for doing something terrible. OMW just invited our daughter to a sleepover birthday party for one of her daughters with an invitation my daughter received at school. So now my daughter is all excited about going and I'm the bad guy if I say no, but it adds another possibility of contact. It's this kind of stuff that is making me upset yet also makes me feel like the bad guy when I did nothing wrong.

How should I handle the friendly OMW who seems to be ready to move on?

tacoma

I would express your concerns to the omw And begin no contact except for school issues
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Eli-Zor

You can't be friends with her or your wife have contact with her husband, it is a recipe for disaster.

NextTimeAround

I wonder if the OMW is trying to over compensate.

Even if i weren't lied to while the affair was in progress, I would still feel lied to in some way.

Jellybeans

This x 1000.

They both (OM and OMW) need to be out of yoru lives completely and forever. Forever ever, forever ever (like the Outkast song says).

If you guys wanted to you and your wife could tell OMW that you appreciate her forgiveness but it is best for both families if your contact ends being that both families were betrayed.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

In The Dark

I agree. I'm cordial when I see her at my kids' school but I don't try to initial contact. But she is contacting my wife and my wife is thrilled to have that contact with her mainly because of the guilty feelings she has. I didn't feel awkward telling my wife and OM to cease all contact but it's awkward with OMW cause I feel like I'm punishing another innocent person.

NextTimeAround

Once again, an indicator that one's partner is more concerned about the feelings of others compared to the concern that they have for the feelings of their own partner.

Jellybeans

Explain to your wife that no contact means NO contact.

Why would you let your DAUGHTER go over there for a sleepover. WTF? It's like the Twilight Zone.

Just cause OMW wants to be friends doesn't mean jack. I am sure your wife is happy to feel forgiven but most people in her position would feel ridiculously ashamed and not even be able to FACE to OMW.

Twilight Zone.

In_The_Wind

PHTlump

I agree that you can't be friends. I think the best course of action is to be honest with her. Tell her that her increasing contact with your wife is increasing the chances of contact between your wife and her husband. And that is unacceptable to you. So, because of her husband's and your wife's actions, you really can't be friends.

As for your daughter, I think the best course of action is to plan a family activity for the same day and tell your daughter that she can no longer go to the party because of the family activity. However, if you really feel that you have to let her go, let her walk the short distance to the party so that you and/or your wife won't have to have any contact.

Good luck.

Jellybeans

Stand your ground.

ANY contact between your wife and OM is BAD BAD BAD news.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

warlock07

Talk to the OMW that your currently uncomfortable with the scenario. And you will like her to pull back on her friendship with your wife for now.

meson

Perhaps the OMW doesn't fully understand what an EA is or how involved they were. It is also possible that the OM is gaslighting her about it. Have a frank discusion wth the OMW to let her know how uncomfortable you are with it and how it is risking both marriages.

Remember you are not punishing the OMW you are protecting the marriages.

In The Dark

I like the way you phrase it. Thanks to everyone for their advice.

CantePe

More than likely, and I would do this myself, she's keeping an enemy closer to keep an eye on things and monitor (OMW is) what his WS may or may not do.

You know that saying : Keep your friends close but keep your enemies even closer.