A Turning Point

AZMOMOFTWO · 02-09-2009, 02:17 PM

I don't believe you will ever forget when something like this happens to you. But not thinking about it every day is the place I want to get. I still think about it every day but I noticed yesterday how its bothering me less...

I'm one of those people who want to know just how bad it was ... example we were once in a rollover accident on a canyon road a quick decision on H's part saved all of our lives he rolled the vehicle intentionally by driving it partway up the side of the mountain. Our speed was too great and with a shredded front tire we had no chance of getting back on the road and at that point the road curved so it was off the cliff. Rolling us brought the vehicle to a stop at the edge of the cliff. Only minor injuries... he looked at the truck said its a total end of story. I walked to the edge of the cliff to see exactly how close it was and if it was a smooth ride down..a hill or a precipice. Could we have ridden it out. No. I wanted to know that and I'm done. He didn't. That's the way it is here. Its how we are made up.

Its not the details of the sex itself but just knowing more what was going on in his head, where, when, etc.

He told me finally that he had gone to look at houses and apartments and she had once joined him. However, she was not going to move in with him. I asked him in this scenario where was I. He said in our house with the kids. I was planning on paying support so you could maintain the house. Why? .... because I had no idea before I found out about his affair that he would even contemplate such a thing so it hurt but talking about it helped. He knew I would find out and he knew what I would do. He wanted to be sure he had a place to go but would never commit (no deposits, no contracts etc.).

Talking about these things has helped. Because I stop wondering and when my mind goes there it isn't that sharp pain it once was.

You all help me so much because I don't want to talk to him about this 24/7 I want to focus on the future so I limit how much I talk to him so we can focus on rebuilding but sometimes I need to just get things out, get a different perspective and sometimes just vent.

sunflower · 02-09-2009, 02:29 PM

OHHHH yes you do! I do the same thing I sound so obsessive on here because I go all crazy here and not with him anymore!

Cooper · 02-09-2009, 06:03 PM

If talking about the details and knowing the whys and how come has helped you than you are doing the right thing. Everyone has their own ways of healing and you need to do what works for you. As long as your husband is fully honest with you and you don't throw the details back in his face at some later date it sounds as if you are working thru this as best you can. You may never forget but the pain will dull with time, good luck.

Cooper

TGolbus · 02-09-2009, 06:32 PM

I think that is great!!! I know that the details haunted me, but understanding what was going on helped me. I understood that she was missing things from me (that she tried to get) and the affair wasn't about me...it was about her being selfish. For some reason that made it a little easier (I knew she wasn't trying to hurt me).
Her being open and honest also made me feel less scared and more apt to believe her and start to rebuild the trust.

blindsided · 02-09-2009, 07:28 PM

I agree.

I needed to know too, and talking things out helped me tremendously. There were even a few times when I saw or heard something that bothered me, but instead of asking my husband right away, I stewed for a while. He always knew I was upset, and as soon as I "spilled it", the explanation was forthcoming, and we talked. He asked me not to keep the fear/worry inside, but to express it. These were simple things, but of course after the EA we are so filled with doubt at first.

I really believe that talking to each other (painful though it is at first to hear some of our questions answered), is the first step on the road to recovery.

By the way, has anyone out there heard of this movie called "Fireproof"? I saw the trailer just now, and I'm thinking of getting it for my husband for Valentine's Day. It looks like a wonderful movie....being used by churches to help couples with marriages. Here's the link, and let me know if anyone has seen it, and what you thought of it.

Welcome To FireproofTheMovie.com - DVD IN STORES NOW!

TGolbus · 02-09-2009, 08:03 PM

Mom of 2 – you sparked a different thought for me. I have always been a fighter, and came from a family of fighters (who drilled in me marriage was for good). My wife actually came from a family of runners – very few 1st marriages anywhere in her family.
As we were working through it, she never really believed I forgave her and was willing to move along. It did take me a long time to deal with what I had too, and her as well, but we did it in a healthy way with good support.
Well one night she broke down and shared that she fears being alone, and that she isn’t good enough, and lots of other things. Basically that she wasn’t worthy. I shared with her that she is and has been my best friend. I asked her as a friend, if she knew the situation, what advice would she give me. She told me if she was giving advice to me, it would be to get a divorce and leave her. I was a little shocked.
My response to her was, I appreciate her advice, but I am not willing to take it. I will continue to work on our marriage. That was the turning point for her. She finally realized that she could count on someone (she never had this opportunity growing up).
Once we both laid down our fears, it became even easier to open up and share everything.
I guess my rambling point is for the marriage to survive, both sides have to heal appropriately from an affair and reach their own turning point, or it never goes away.