My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-24-2012, 09:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

I have been with my partner for 9 years, and although we have never actually got married we often spoke about our future together. We have lived together for 5 years and grown up together so have a very special bond.
However about 3 months ago my partner lost his job and found it very hard dealing with me being the one bringing money in. He found it very hard finding a job and we became very stressed, arguing a lot and we stopped having sex.
At the same time his best friend and his partner, were going through a similar thing. They were saving for their wedding for later this year and were struggling. They also have a 2 year old child to look after and like us they were arguing a lot and not paying very much attention to each other. We were very close with this couple, and another couple who my partner had known since he was very young.
About a month ago I found out that my partner had slept with his friend's fiance. They had started meeting for lunch as friends to offer support and then one night when we had all been together they got very drunk and slept together. They then slept together another time, this time sober and planned.

This is the first time my partner has ever done anything to hurt me and before all this he was the perfect partner. However the girl involved is very nasty and has been known to lie and cause a lot of problems with people. She has told me she never liked and my partner was very unhappy with me.
I've gone through stages of hating him and wanting nothing to do with him but then I miss him and feel like this relationship is worth saving.
He's been spending a lot of time with this girl still, and has been sleeping at hers once a week when her son is with his dad. He has told me he doesn't want a relationship with her but that she is all he has left in the world at the moment.
I don't really know what to do. All of his things are still in my house as he is looking for somewhere to live and staying at his parent's at the moment. One day he tells me he hasn't loved me for a long time, that he loves her and she's better than me.. but then he starts crying saying he doesn't mean it, he really loves me but feels I deserve better and he can't be with me because of everything he's done.

I just find it really hard. He says he loves me, and I do believe that. He says its just too hard to face me because of what he's done, but then he spends the day with her. I don't think he really knows what he wants. He is in a very dark place and I don't know what I should do for the best. Everyone is giving him a hard time because we all know that the girl is very bad for him. His friend was willing to forgive him for what he did, as long as my partner stayed away from the girl, which he hasn't done. He says he feels bad and doesn't want to leave her on her own. I'm just very confused because I've been getting mixed messaged from him. I've told him straight out I'm willing to forgive and rebuild our relationship, but he says its never going to work.
What should I do? I really love him and the last 9 years have been the best of my life, I just feel we have so much we should at least give it another try.
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Old 02-24-2012, 09:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

slept with friend's fiance? And you dont know what to do? Well because you are not married and more importantly dont have kids - it is very simple. Dump.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

and tell the OW's husband, he deserves to know
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

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slept with friend's fiance? And you dont know what to do? Well because you are not married and more importantly dont have kids - it is very simple. Dump.
I agree. Get out NOW while the getting is good.

His inability to cope is not his victim's problem.

He'll lucky his friend, who he also royally effed over, didn't beat him within an inch of his life.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

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He's been spending a lot of time with this girl still, and has been sleeping at hers once a week when her son is with his dad. He has told me he doesn't want a relationship with her but that she is all he has left in the world at the moment.
Your partner is a true piece of sh**, you know that?

Not only does he cheat on you, he betrays his friend, and is using the friend's fiance for sex, not that she doesn't deserve to get used, it just adds another level of stench to him being a piece of sh**.

Do yourself a HUGE favor. Dump him now!!!
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:31 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

You can't see what we can see because you're too emotionally involved. You're probably just really confused.

Your partner slept with his best mates fiancee. I can't believe he forgave him. I wouldn't. It's really simple - if he was truly sorry and loved you he would be telling you he is never, ever going to see the girl again. But he's not doing that is he.

You have already invested 9 years of your life with this man. Move on. There are more out there, and there will be a time you look back on this and don't feel the pain anymore. But you can't get there until you finish with him, and stay away from any friends involved with this mess who are only going to remind you of the situation.

There is no excuse for this kind of bad behaviour. Where are his morals. You would never trust him again. And you shouldn't. Don't let him waste anymore of your life.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

Thank you, I know that you are all right. Its just very hard for me because before all of this he was a really really nice person and this is the person I really miss. Obviously I know they way he's acted shows he isn't that person any more, but part of me will always miss the old person he was. I'm still very defensive of him,I know, because for the last 9 years he was amazing. But I know that the person he is now is a jerk and hopefully in time I'll realise that. thank you
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

Sorry LS for your problems. Can he get into IC?
Something doesnt add up here. You were close and brought up together and have a special bond. How come this divide arrived?
How did you allow his A to continue....?
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

I'm of the firm opinion that if you let someone get away with this type of thing once, you set yourself up for more, further down the road. Since you two aren't married, you should just split up with him...face it! He blew it!
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

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Originally Posted by LittleStar12 View Post
He's been spending a lot of time with this girl still, and has been sleeping at hers once a week when her son is with his dad. He has told me he doesn't want a relationship with her but that she is all he has left in the world at the moment.
I don't really know what to do. All of his things are still in my house as he is looking for somewhere to live and staying at his parent's at the moment. One day he tells me he hasn't loved me for a long time, that he loves her and she's better than me.. but then he starts crying saying he doesn't mean it, he really loves me but feels I deserve better and he can't be with me because of everything he's done.
What?

There is nothing to salvage, dear, if he's sleeping at her house at all.

You need to respect yourself cause he sure as hell doesn't.

The whole line about him not being sure and that he loves you but loves her too and wants to be with you but she's all she has is... stupid.

Your thread title is wrong too. A person who cannot cope with his/her guilt would be extremely remorseful and wouldn't even THINK about spending time with the OW after realizing the gravity/fallout their actions have done/produced.

This isn't a man who feels guilt.

This is a man who knows he did wrong and wants to string you both along.

The qusetion is, is, why are you letting him?

Tell him he has 24 hours to pick up his things or they are going in the trash. (Or you could just toss them away). Tell him you are done. He ahs GROSSLY disrespected you and continues to do so. The fact you even speak to him after calling him out on his affair AND he is still staying at her house means you have DOORMAT written all ove ryour forehead.

Why are you tolerating this????

Remove yourself as an option completely.

"I am done. Come get your things. I will not be second best and I will not tolerate an open relationship. You don't respect me, and I deserve better."

Done. End. Finito.
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

If he actually was feeling remorse of guilt he would not be continuing to sleep with her.

Sorry, but his I've got no one else is total BS as to why he is sleeping with her.
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My partner cheated - and can't cope with his guilt.

Agree with JellyBeans!

By still sleeping with the OW, he has chosen her over you. There is no guilt keeping him from you, it's his own indecision about who he wants to be with long term. He's stringing you along by saying it's the guilt, but that is such a load of bull$#!t. Maybe he feels some guilt, but not enough to stop banging the OW long enough to show by his actions that you mean more to him.

Words are meaningless without actions to support them.
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