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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-24-2012, 10:31 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy What to do?

Ok, I'm not really sure how to start this, as I've never done anything like this before. I was hoping that I never would have to. Here goes:

My wife and I have been married for nearly six years now. We were both young when we took the plunge- I was 22 and she was 18. We met at church, and grew very fond of each other. The reason we married so young is because her parents were super strict, and wouldn't even allow her to date anyone. Sometimes, they didn't even let her go to church, because they knew that she would want to sit next to me. They were pretty mean to her, so she wanted to get out of the house. I popped the question on her 18th birthday, and we were married 10 months later.

Our relationship has always been very good. We hardly ever fight, and share many common interests. The time that we spend alone together has always been great. Two years ago, she got a promotion at work, but that meant she had to change locations. A couple of months after she got her new job, we had some friends over at the house and were drinking. She asked me to go upstairs and get her phone for her, so I did. When I picked it up, it showed a new text message from a guy whose name I didn't recognize, so out of curiosity, I read the message. Much to my surprise, there was a series of very sexual messages between her and that guy. He isn't from around here. He lives a state away, but he works for the same company and had come to help out at my wife's location a week or so before I found the text messages. She had been planning a trip with a friend for a couple of weeks to go to the city that he lives in. I knew about the trip, but obviously had no idea that she was planning to see him when she went. Well, included in the texts that I found was one that read "Are you still going to f*** me when I come to [his city]?"

I was devastated by all that I was reading, and was in a state of shock and disbelief. I didn't say anything to her that night, but I confronted her about it the next day. She apologized, and said that she just liked the attention and compliments from another guy, but said that she would stop texting him. Overall, she wasn't really as apologetic as I had hoped, but I accepted her apology. I asked her if there were things that I needed to change, and she said "no" and that I was "the perfect husband" for her. I have always felt like I've tried to be good to her. I had difficulty not thinking about those texts every day. It still hurt, but I forgave her, and moved on. She got promoted again, and started having to travel to a different store in the region for a week, every other month or so. She loves her job, and was very excited about the opportunities, and again, I supported her 100%, was happy, and she had regained my trust completely.

Fast forward to 2 weeks before Christmas 2011. We were cooking breakfast at home, and I saw a text pop up on her phone, which was on the counter. It was a guy that used to go to our church and was close to her family. Someone that I know used to have a thing for her. Someone that definitely shouldn't have been texting her. We'll call him guy #2. She didn't know that I saw the text alert. We went out to eat with a couple of friends that night, and I saw his name pop up again. She was sitting there, texting him, instead of talking with me and our friends. The next day, I asked her why she's been texting him so much. She said that he got her number off her Facebook profile, and that they were just catching up. She said that she would stop. The next day, she was still doing an awful lot of texting, so I decided to investigate. I got on att.com, and saw about 2000 texts exchanged between my wife and another person over a two week span. I knew in my gut that it was him. I asked her if it was, and she confessed. I asked her to stop texting him, and brought up the situation from 2 years earlier, and that she should be more considerate of my feelings, becuase I was thinking the worst. She assured me that they were just talking as friends, but that she would stop, and that she didn't want to do anything to hurt me. She said that I was a better husband to her than she was a wife to me.

I still couldn't get past my gut feeling that something just wasn't right, so I logged in to her Facebook profile. Well, that's when my heart was shattered. I found out that they had met up for lunch, then slept together on multiple occasions. I was crushed more than words can express. And not only did I find this out, but also in the FB messages, she told him she had a one-night stand with guy #1 (remember him?) when she was on one of her work trips. So, not only did I discover that my wife was cheating, but had already done it once before while she was out of town (and I was at home, nursing a broken leg, by the way)! I just stayed in the bed and cried all day after reading the Facebook messages. I was angry, upset, hurt....destroyed. She was at work. I texted her that I was packing my s***. She begged me to stay. She said that she would delete her FB, and completely cut off all contact with those guys. I didn't want to leave her right at Christmas, so I decided to stay while I sorted out my feelings.

Two months later, I'm still torn. I've loved this woman for a long time, but she betrayed me in the worst possible way...and not just once. My head says to leave. I feel like the woman who never leaves the abusive husband.

I'm trying to think of anything that I left out: we don't have any kids. I work a M-F job. She's in retail management, so her hours are always crazy. Our schedules don't really mesh terrifically, so our sex life isn't as good as it could be. She is tired all of the time.

I carry all of this hurt in my heart every day. I think about her with those guys constantly. It's hard to be intimate anymore.

I can't help but think that us being so young when we got married had a lot to do with her cheating on me. She says it doesn't, but how could it not? Neither of us were ever really single adults.

It's the ol' "head vs. heart" thing. I love her very much, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get past this.

Any advice? There are probably details that I left out, but feel free to ask me anything. Thanks in advance for your responses.

By the way, I picked my username because of "Should I stay or should I go?" Nice, huh?

Last edited by Clash; 01-23-2013 at 11:15 AM.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:37 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

Your healing takes precedence over the marriage. Can you heal while being married to her? I couldn't so I chose to divorce my ex-wife - one of the most painful decisions of my life considering that she was extremely remorseful for betraying me. You may be different and can do it. If you choose to stay married to her, you may be looking at a time frame of anywhere from 2 to 5 years before you can finally recover. Can you do this?
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

to start- read the newbie link in my signature


your wife has cheated twice so far all within 6 years of marriage and that's what you know of

she's demonstrating a pattern of being a serial cheater-

what has she done to show remorse?
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for the reply, morituri. I'm not sure that I can. I look at her, and it's like she's fine now. I told her that I wanted to work it out, but that was really because we're in a house that we're having trouble selling, and I just wanted to ease the tension some.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

From one who's going through this now I can tell you that you should figure out what type of affair it was.

There's a good resource out there

Infidelity Healing: How to stop the Affair | Break Free from the Affair

It would help you a ton I think to get that program I have it and the first thing to consider is it worth it to reconcile or just toss it?

That's a call YOU have to make, but if you could identify why she did what she did he rates the odds you have of beating the thing and that could help you decide if it's worth it or not.

I think the desirability affair is the easiest one to beat, I know someone who had one of those, those are often times one off deals and realtively easy to heal from.

There are some that are just nearly hopeless like climbing MT Everest without guides.

Each one is different and everyone's situation is different.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Almostrecovered,

Thanks for the reply. She offered to quit traveling for work, but I think it's just lip service. I know that's not what she really wants, and would probably resent me for it, which wouldn't help the marriage, either.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Our schedules don't really mesh terrifically, so our sex life isn't as good as it could be. She is tired all of the time.
She's clearly not tired enough to avoid hunting for some strange. It's not your schedules that are the problem here.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snap View Post
She's clearly not tired enough to avoid hunting for some strange. It's not your schedules that are the problem here.
That's a good point. It was pretty devastating to read the messages between the two of them. "I'm in the shower. Come over when you're ready." "Be there soon! "

All while I'm at work...
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:51 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

My DDay was 12/18/11....I so understand what you mean about not wanting to screw up Xmas.

Whether you stay or go is a question only you can answer. There are things you can do to help make sure any attempt at R will have a greater chance of success.

Is she remorseful?

Is she still in contact with the OM?

Do you have access to all of her passwords and such? Is she now transparent.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your pain but know you are not alone...not even close.

(Love the Clash btw!)
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

Clash

A few things that you need to do for yourself. You need to see a doctor and get checked for STD's even if she has told you the sex was protected remember she lied about everything else so why would she tell you the truth. Regardless if you are going to R or D. Confront the OM's spouses and or girlfriends and family. Blow it up. Do not back down and do not tell your wife about it until it is done. She we beg plead and threaten you. So keep it to your self and the sooner the better. like today and now.

If you want to R with your wife get her to write a no contact letter to both of these guys and you send it today! She is to give you all email accounts and passwords right now. No debate.

You also need to get into MC as quick as you can. You are going to be hurt and then angry, trust me you are going to need help.

If you want to D, tell her to pack the bags and get out now. I am sorry you are going through this. I am as well with a wife of 29 years. I would think long and hard about trying to R since this has happened not with one but two guys.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

if it's just lip service then your marriage is going to fail anyways

I suggest you at least see a lawyer to know your options
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

Clash,
Your heart and head are clashing over this. No doubt. She is a serial cheater and you need to have relook.
She has no respect for you. You asked her to stop texting with #1. She had a one night stand. With #2, no need to state.
Relook. Look.
How do you know she wont cheat on you in future?
Take care, take stock.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

Your wife is an unrepentant serial cheater. She will not change no matter how many times you forgive her or sweep her horrible actions under the rug. Listen to me and the other BSs on this board. This woman is toxic and she will make your life miserable. Look at wher your trust in her has gotten you.

My god you need to come out of the fog. Pack her bags for her, aske her to leave, call and tell her family what she did, and if BF #1 and #2 have wives then you need to track them
down and tell them what their husbands are doing. You owe it to them if they do not know.



Get rid of this diseased woman and go live a good life.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
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basically what have is a woman who used you to escape her strict family (whom she wants to rebel against obviously), was too young to be married and wants to experience the wild single life she never got to experience.


You're being used
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Old 02-24-2012, 11:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do?

Yes, AR, she was brought up in a conservative tight background. How did he not know in the initial stages of marriage of her nature?
OP knows only two cases. There could be more numbers, who knows?
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