Arguments are about him crying when he's with me. She will lose it and storm into the room so my son hides behind my legs and worries about his mum turning into a bear. There is no violence. They then escalate after he goes to bed to the difficulties in our relationship. I have surveillance setup and know there is nc. Putting my feelings to one side is a small sacrifice for my son having me in his life. I've got experience at loving without return from my childhood. A childhood my son will not be experiencing. My wife has booked for IC.
What site advises you about this 6 weeks stuff? I've been to Surviving Infidelity, Love Shack, Chat Cheaters, Infidelity.com, etc. I haven't heard of this 6 weeks stuff you're mentioning.
Everyone here has been thru what you're going through right now, either as a BS or a fWS. Some of us have R'd, some have gone on to D. This isn't some random forum on the internet where people don't know what they're talking about.
She is still in a fog and needs to come out of it. She is being open by always telling me what she is doing on her phone. Surely these are positives. It's just when I declare love and all that kind of crap, she withdraws. So I have stopped that.
You don't need to file right away but you have to make it clear you will divorce if you have to and mean it. Everytime you sound like a broken hearted lover you just disgust her. Be non commital, never beg,plead, profess undying love and never ever cry in front of her. Right now she thinks he is a real man and you are just a pu$$y. Do the 180. Show no anger or much emotion at all . When she wants to argue just ignore her. No relationship talk until she wants to save her family.
Bottom line you are nice guying your wife out of the house. Arguemnts are for the weak.
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
This 180 list may help.
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
Well this whole situation is not right at all, is it. Filing for D is a serious move, and there's little point doing it if you are not ready to follow through (in the worst case). But it's like cancer treatment, you can't fix it with sugar candy, they prescribe chemo.
From what you wrote, your wife is not remorseful and is treating you with contempt. That said, you are a man of free will and ultimately you decide what you do with your life.
If you are set on giving it two more months, so be it. We wish you the best.
But too often the threads like this are akin to watching a blind person wander into a busy highway. You scream out, and it turns out they are deaf as well.
Yes I saw the same advice on nomoremrniceguy and tried it. It worked at making her end the ea with nc. But it was so horrible a place to be I backed out once I knew nc was happening and then decided to wait 6 weeks. That's how I managed to get the divorce papers written up about a month ago. I think 180 is less aggressive than a full blown D. But I have to tell her I am prepared to D? I've actually told her the opposite up to now and that I saw the solicitors as a way of getting her to end the ea. That only ended when it got too stressful for her and I told her she would end up a crazy woman.
Doing the 180 is for you. To help you grow and move on if you have to. A by product is that it makes you strong and independent. Something that makes you attractive to women including your wife. Arguing and pleading just make you look like her b!tch.
Start working out, exercising, new haircut/clothes etc. Let her know she is no longer the center of the universe.
"It worked at making her end the ea with nc." It worked and then you folded like a cheap tent.
Things changed for me only when my WW discovered that I was really planning to leave. I was not planning to give her any notice. She noticed my detachment and snooped into my journal, where I had recorded the details. Even after that, it was a long road to recovery. I think that as long as she can view you as a safety net, her fog will not lift. She needs to know that you are prepared to move on without her if necessary. I have read on other threads about people who filed for D but did no go thru w/ it once the situation changed. That may be a strategy for you to consider. Just be sure in your own mind that you are serious, and that it's not just a bluff. That could blow up in your face.