So u still suggest to just immediately file without waiting. It does not feel right.
You should know that filing for divorce is not the same as actually divorce since it takes time for a divorce to be processed. If all else fails, filing is the final wake up call on your marraige if you mean it when you file. It shows strength of character which your wife may not see in you now.
That being said, you should do whatever feels right as you are the only one living in your shoes. Do not let anyone here push you before you are ready. For filing to have any positive impact on waking your wife up and getting her to see you as strong, you need to mean it when you file, and clearly you are not mentally prepared to mean it right now. Take the time that you need but do not act like a doormat any longer.
Stop the flowers and rear kissing. Focus on your son and stop talking to her about if she loves you or not. Every time she tells you to your face that she loves the OM and not you, she loses a little more respect for you, so keep such conversations to a minimum. If you are only still there for your son, then that is how you should act.
Marriage builders website advised it takes 6 weeks.for feelings towards om to fade enough for husband's actions to be noticed.
This is sort of correct, it takes about 6 weeks of NC from YOU for them to start to defuse the negative feeling she has built up for you and the M in general. However every time to talk to her it resets the clock. She is not going to want to stay with you just by proxy, if anything she is most likely resenting you more and more.
It doesn't work with the OM. My W was around 6 months of NC with the OM and the second he called her she ran off again to meet him.
So u still suggest to just immediately file without waiting. It does not feel right.
And that is why it's right. Your feelings are trying to sabotage you and take you down the wrong path. The right things to do will be the opposite of what you want to do.
Don't worry about filing, half don't even go through with it. I still have my W's filings from 2 years ago. She wants me to throw them away but I keep them for lulz.
I'm not sure the om or affair is the problem but we can't fix the m unless my wife wants to. I'm going to stay in limbo a bit longer. End the gifts, love msgs etc and just enjoy my time with my son. If she comes round great, if not then its filing time. I need to do the 180 and stop sending her msgs in the day or talking at night. It's just an absolute nightmare and has been going on since 19th Nov. Anyone else lasted this long in limbo and had an m that survived?
Go ahead and file and have her served. Worse case, if R falls through you will be that much closer to getting away from your WW and getting on with your life. Might as well file for sole custody of your boy while you are at it. Posted via Mobile Device
This is depressing. I do not want to lose out on raising my boy. I want my life back. I'm not ready to file. She will come round. I even tried booking a holiday for all of us at the end of the 6 weeks. Her response was I don't want that thrown back at me if it doesn't work out between us. Argh!
Why are you planning holidays for a family that does not exist?
Your marriage does not exist. You need to get this through your head. Your wife is in the psychosis of an affair ... the fog. She is addicted to the other man and does not love you.
Do the 180 that Chapparal showed you. Go emotionally dark on your wife. MAKE her see what she will be losing by contuing on down the path she is on. Your loving words, offers of rewards, vacations, etc. mean diddly squat to her.
Look friend, I know you think you know your wife, and you think that what we're telling you to do is cruel. The 180 is counterintuitive to everything you have ever known... that's why it seems so mean and vindictive. It is there to help you prepare emotionally for the probability that your marriage will end or that your wife will leave you. The 180 is not to get her to love you again, it is to get you to start loving yourself and to be the father to your child that he needs you to be.
Your son does not need a limp-wristed father who is beaten down and humiliated by his wayward wife. What kind of example are you setting for him by retreating every time your wife launches an assault? He needs to see a father with self confidence who is willing to stand up for himself and not be mowed over by a witless spouse. The 180 will empower you to do that.
The 180 is not there to save the marriage, but sometimes it works to make the wayward see that their spouse is ready to accept that the marriage has ended and move on without them. Sometimes this is enough to break their shell and wake them up.
Or, you can ignore all the advice that is given to you by the folks on this board and watch as your marriage flounders and your wife deconstruct your life and manhood. You have the right to do whatever you want.
And I stick by my original post to you. I think if your wife is not willing to work on reconcilliation that you should show her the door. She is creating a toxic and harmful environment for your son. You need to protect him from her.
I'm not sure the om or affair is the problem but we can't fix the m unless my wife wants to.
See, this kind of thinking will get you in a lot of trouble. Of course the affair and the OM are the problem. Nothing can be fixed until these are dealt with. Once that is ended, and she is on board with trying to fix the marriage and her betrayal, and earn back you trust, you can then start working on the other issues in the marriage. Until then, the OM and the affair are THE problem.
Get-thru, I remained in limbo a lot longer than 6 wks. My youngest two were in college, and I knew that a family implosion would derail their lives. So, I made the decision to stay and play my part until they finished. That lasted for two years. I had to become a master at compartmentalization. It took a horrible toll on me. I came very close to harming myself. I don't recommend that route to anyone. If you think you can come to a decision in 6 wks, then so be it. But do not allow this limbo to become your life.
Unfortunately this is not your call to make anymore. You cannot raise your son in an environment where his father stands around allowing his wife to cheat with another man. It is better to raise your son part time where he respects you, then full time where he has no such respect. In the long run respect is all that you have to hold them to you when your children grow up and move out. Your child will remember that you did not do this to him. Your wife did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by get-thru-this
I want my life back.
Again, not your call. No matter what happens going forward, you will not get your old life back even if she stays in the marriage.
You don't seem to understand. YOU are the reason she is not returning to the marriage. YOU are the reason she is still in the fog and will never come out of it. YOU are the reason reconciliation hasn't started. YOU are dictating how this has gone up until now and where it will go from here.
You're chasing her and she is running...away. Until you stop chasing her and acting like a lovesick puppy she will never respect you. And if she can't respect you she can't love you. You can't love people out of an affair. You can't make them do anything. All you can do is make yourself better and give her the space to see what she is losing. If she sees she is losing a loser then she won't return to the marriage. If she sees she is losing a strong confident man then she will have second thoughts about what she is doing.
This is depressing. I do not want to lose out on raising my boy. I want my life back. I'm not ready to file. She will come round. I even tried booking a holiday for all of us at the end of the 6 weeks. Her response was I don't want that thrown back at me if it doesn't work out between us. Argh!
Do you see how she's still setting terms about R with you? Now who is the betrayed spouse here? You! The decision to R is a precious gift given by the betrayed spouse after the wayward spouse has done the heavy lifting (MC, transparency, disclosure, empathy, etc) to deserve that precious gift.
You're trying to force R with someone who isn't ready for it at all, and neither is she deserving that shot at R. I'm only in R myself because my fWW is busting her ass to earn her chance at R.
She knows I have divorce papers already. The ea has ended. It may have started but no proof. The problem is she is constantly arguing and raging at me 2 weeks after it ended. All arguments start when our son cries at something. I have tried threats etc but they just make the relationship worse. I don't thb
Be aware that it can take a month to two months to go through withdrawal from the affair. If NC is not complete then it starts all over again.
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Re: 2 weeks since she has had no contact 
