Perhaps but this smacks of blame shifting. She must own her affair. Even some of the best marriages can fall prey to an EA. So above all do not start blaming yourself and feeling responsbile for her looking to get involved with her EX.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I know she is in love with om. I tried to file but cannot bear to only see my son once a fortnight which would be the outcome and yes I have had this checked by a solicitor. I still love her and know she has had no contact in over 2 weeks. Will her feelings towards him fade so that the gestures I'm making will eventually be recognized. Since I found out we have gradually drifted further apart. She won't let me show affection as she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. We have a good week while I'm at work and then its arguments at the weekend. Always the same one. She doesn't have love for me any more as she loves om and she is trying by staying in the house with me and our son. I've read it takes 6 weeks of nc before my gestures are noticed. If anyone tells me to man up and lose access to my son, then this is not the helpful site it claims to be. Divorce is not an option.
Too bad because if it was you would have a better chance at winning her back. Women are not attracted to men they cannot respect. So you in essence are saying you will stay married in name only and are willing to live in an open marriage.
If that is your boundary then so be it. It is not intuitive but if you hold on too tight they slip through your fingers.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
What site advises you about this 6 weeks stuff? I've been to Surviving Infidelity, Love Shack, Chat Cheaters, Infidelity.com, etc. I haven't heard of this 6 weeks stuff you're mentioning.
Everyone here has been thru what you're going through right now, either as a BS or a fWS. Some of us have R'd, some have gone on to D. This isn't some random forum on the internet where people don't know what they're talking about.
The six weeks may be talking about her going through withdrawal.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Marriage builders website advised it takes 6 weeks.for feelings towards om to fade enough for husband's actions to be noticed.
Marriage Builders is where Plan A and Plan B come from. So you would be very familiar with this concept.
Even Dr. Harley is not into the Plan A stuff so much.
Quote:
My overall plan for marital recovery after an affair has three basic stages. The first stage separates the unfaithful spouse and the lover; the second stage maintains that separation through the period of emotional withdrawal experienced by the unfaithful spouse who is addicted to the lover; and the third stage recovers love between spouses, eliminates resentment of the betrayed spouse, and protects the marriage against future affairs. -- Dr Harley
IMHO doing a Plan A while the WS is actively in an affair is demeaning to the BS. Makes them unattracive to the WS anyway. Note that the WS needs to be separated from the OM. You do that by getting their attention.
They are in a fog. It is a chemical addiction based on Oxcytocin and Dopamine. You do not break that up by enabling the affair.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 02-29-2012 at 12:05 AM.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Arguments are about him crying when he's with me. She will lose it and storm into the room so my son hides behind my legs and worries about his mum turning into a bear. There is no violence. They then escalate after he goes to bed to the difficulties in our relationship. I have surveillance setup and know there is nc. Putting my feelings to one side is a small sacrifice for my son having me in his life. I've got experience at loving without return from my childhood. A childhood my son will not be experiencing. My wife has booked for IC.
It is understandable to me that you want to save your marriage for the sake of your child being with you. Completely.
But I suggest you think about if it is healthy for your son to be in such a situation. You yourself have mentioned a loveless childhood you experienced, I wonder if your son is heading in that direction. Do you want that for him?
Has the IC for your wife began? With some of the statements you have made regarding her respondses to this situation, her process to change her behaviors seem lengthy. Are you willing to stand by her side, knowing that a relapse in behavior is common.
Thanks ppl. Far more helpful. I'm sure the ea is over. I am doing as much of 180 as I can while she goes thru withdrawal. I've booked the last week of march as holiday at home as a target to wait for. Till then no love declarations or me opening discussion. I will be there for my son and I will be civil to my wife. All arguments will not be followed thru by me. I will walk out of the room or protect my son. I am now prepared to leave if need be to get respect. She is doing some nice things such as cooking my dinner, making tea and picking me up from the station. It's only when she opens her mouth, is it nasty.
Thanks ppl. Far more helpful. I'm sure the ea is over. I am doing as much of 180 as I can while she goes thru withdrawal. I've booked the last week of march as holiday at home as a target to wait for. Till then no love declarations or me opening discussion. I will be there for my son and I will be civil to my wife. All arguments will not be followed thru by me. I will walk out of the room or protect my son. I am now prepared to leave if need be to get respect. She is doing some nice things such as cooking my dinner, making tea and picking me up from the station. It's only when she opens her mouth, is it nasty.
Thanks ppl. Far more helpful. I'm sure the ea is over. I am doing as much of 180 as I can while she goes thru withdrawal. I've booked the last week of march as holiday at home as a target to wait for. Till then no love declarations or me opening discussion. I will be there for my son and I will be civil to my wife. All arguments will not be followed thru by me. I will walk out of the room or protect my son. I am now prepared to leave if need be to get respect. She is doing some nice things such as cooking my dinner, making tea and picking me up from the station. It's only when she opens her mouth, is it nasty.
Get thru, there is only one hope of recovering the marriage and that is a 2 fold process.
#1, you HAVE to draw a line in the sand and back it up. You can't waiver, can't back away, can't alter your position in any way. Once she sees she can manipulate you, you are finished.
#2, SHE has to realize what she has done, what she will lose and make a 100 % effort to fix it.
If either of these are not done, it will be a life of limbo and compromise on your part and cake eating manipulation on her part.
The filing technique is to send a clear and final message. No one says you have to see it through to the end. Divorces take time. That time can be used by her to start doing the heavy lifting to save the marriage and for you to do things to improve yourself as a husband but if she is secure knowing you will do nothing or knowing you threaten and then back down from tears, anger or any other manipulation technique on her part, then she simply has to bide her time.
Lastly, you can't assume anything. Being sure the affair is over is no where near the same as having the data and facts that it is over. Disclosure to the OMW or girlfriend as well as VARs and Keyloggers provide the facts. Only facts are true. Remember, you can tell a cheater is not being truthful by noticing if their lips are moving. They will NEVER reveal 100% of the truth about anything until there is nothing left but to be honest and do what it takes to save the marriage.
That is also dependant on if she, or you, WANT to save the marriage. If not, then this is all academic.
Q~
And how has the silent treatment been working so far in the marriage, considering where you are right now?
I hate to use an age old cliche but it is time to man up or roll over and take it, plain and simple.
Q~
I don't think he's been using the silent treatment. I think he's been essentially bending to her will for months. If he stops engaging her in these battles she'll eventually realize that her verbal assaults aren't getting her anywhere but closer to divorce. It goes hand in hand with the 180 but all this only works if the OP follows through with the divorce if his wife doesn't start showing remorse through words AND actions.
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Re: 2 weeks since she has had no contact 
