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I am pissed of as never before.

104K views 284 replies 56 participants last post by  oldtruck 
#1 · (Edited)
SKIP TO POST #105 FOR A SINGLE POST VERSION OF MY STORY.




Wife and I are together for 22 years and married for 20 years

I am 46 years old, wife is 41.

We have two kids, age 5 years and 18 months (why wait for so long to have children ? anyways,,,,,).

We had an unplanned pregnancy 4 months ago. I was really excited and happy but not really being able to share it with my wife because of her being panicked and disturbed attitude about it.

I was happy for the prospect of having another baby and she was not.

Two months ago and two months into pregnancy, she had the abortion. I was surprised how swiftly she acted on having the
abortion and did it before I realised that it was really going to happen.

She didn't want the baby mainly because, according to her, she is the sole bread winner lately and she couldn't take more responsibility. I'd give it to her, if I didn't know her beliefs and where she stands for all those years. She (and I) continued to express guilt and sorrow for the abortion we had during the early times of our relationships 20 years ago.

Financially there wasn't any immediate concern. Where we live, a women continues to be paid in full and plus during the pregnancy and after the delivery while having the 6 months (or more) leave of work. We have the best insurance coverage, great doctors, hospitals. And having another sibling would'nt put our two kids future in jeopardy, for financial reasons at least.

She adores our kids. She values life so that she (would) put(s) her life on the line for others, animals' included. She menages to stay vegetarian despite of being a gourme meat lover inside. She supports charities for abondened, mistreated kids, donates and works for them, sometimes comes home crying for some of the kids she met and would adopt one, last year if I'd go for it (I think).

Well again, I was surprised.

If it was a well layed out movie it would lead to something extraordinary about her not wanting that baby. Don't get the wrong idea, baby was mine, I think.... And I don't think that she had any affair around the time of that pregnancy, I think........

The abortion was the turning point. Before, we were just back from a realy nice holliday and after we were crumbling into pieces in every meaning.

Next day after the abortion, late morning, she called me from work and blasted me about me not calling her to ask her how is she doing. She started preaching me about how I don't care about her well being and don't suport her on the phone.

I had cried and threw up twice already then. I lost it there. I gave her the whole nine yards. Started with reminding her how we celebrated our first two borns first scans, the whole graphics like baby already having the arms and legs, feeling the pain of being thorn apart, etc....We had the first (appearently last) ultrasound scan and images of the baby few days ago.

I hope I did'nt go against forum rules here. I don't want to start a debate about abortion and it is the least of my concerns right now. I can't cut it short to the point most of the time, still I want to come across with where I am, that's all.

She ended up visiting the closest shrink immediatedly after our phone conversation.

I know I'm posting to CWI, I'll come to infidelity and desperately trying to cope with it part soon. Now it is really late here and I need to listen to some music before I try to catch some sleep.

Thanks for reading. I'll continue, put things into focus and look forward for your opinions.

I too say, I wish I had TAM and you guys, 20, 18 and 12 years ago.

Did I say "Borderline Personality Disorder", we got that too, not an official diagnosis though, just my biased opinion.
 
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#186 ·
I was,

My councellor has switched to taking care of my wife and because of the some conflict of interest or some technicality, he asked us which one of us would like to continue with him because he should not be treating both of us. Now my wife is councelled by him and I am waiting for the new counceller to arrive next month.

And what difference does it make, Psychology, psychiatry is more of an art then science. For some, life sucks and we are fvcks, I don't need any so called proffesional to see that and don't tell me that.
 
#188 ·
codependency is good and a must when you are with a woman/man.

Then when you realise that your partner is not what you assumed, then the all hell is broken loose on you. Then you are left with the choice (as if matters to you anymore) to do the good thing for you or not.

What is good for me ? (this is not a question people)
 
#184 ·
Your focus should be on you, the only one who can change yourself is you. Give up alcohol , go to AA if you have to , burn this out of your system. Hard exercise is known to help for depression .

Get this under control and your family life will get better
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#185 ·
One day your son is going to understand things like what you wife has done to you. What lesson do you think he'll learn? Will it be do what you've chosen, or to do the opposite?

While I agree that making him you priority is true, part of that is teaching him morals and right and wring through your personal actions.

I think the check list at a minimum must be:

1. No cheating going on, If you can some how even look at your wife after what she has done, I would that truely a miracle - but there can never be new cheating ever.
2. Full and complete honestly and transparency. If you and you wife have secrets that will continue to erode what tiny emotional contact you can muster.

Keep in mind you are teaching not just what 5 year old needs but what a 25 year old needs when he is having relationships. You do not want him thinking that a man should accept what your wife has done.
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#187 ·
I still hope to at least fake it for my boy and his sister, as long as I can.

None of my friends coming from broken homes had long term relationships or became parents themselves. I want my kids to have what life may offer normally.

To decide what to do is not easy.
 
#197 ·
I just told you what I learned a week ago,

two weeks ago there was something else that I learned.

Ten years ago when we are back to our home country, my wifes old friends threw a party. I met with many of her friends from past that I heard but never met, since we were away.

In that party I spent a lot of time talking to one of her old friends about some technical issue relating to his new business endeavour. I provided him with a lot of engineering solutions with his problems.

That party was ten years ago. Two weeks ago, after much questioning of everyting, she said that, that friend of her's that I clicked in that party AND the host of that party.............guess what, those two had kissed my wife.

That night, ten years ago, I didn't know that but my wife and those two guys were sharing more than I knew, and probably made a clown of myself.

My wife says now tthat it was even before we met and they just kissed, nothing else...........

Then why I feel like stupid about that night ?
 
#203 ·
This is not new her last cheating was before 13 years ago but I started learning what really went in my life recently, thanks to TAM.

Should I believe that ? she came clean now, may be, I don't believe even myself anymore.

Like I said in another thread before, she has been my best friend for the last 21 years and I see her existence in everything I know, everything I enjoyed, ......everything. If not seeing her anymore would do it, I'd do it.

It is not about loosing her. It is about loosing myself, half of mylife. Call it codependency.
 
#204 ·
just to give you an example,

my wife and are enjoyed eating and cooking, took it to the extend that, we can make our own miso paste or soy sauce from raw soybeans or make our own brie chese (try at least).

Now after I learned that she had sex with four guys during her last trip to asia, I can not stand the smell of any asian food, no more soy sauce for me. With or without her. There goes a big part of my existence. Just an example.

I have not left with much to not to remind me of her in every ten minutes. So I could move on alone, I wish it would be as easy as just loosing her.

I guess I need to find a way to accept her as she is, find some peace in that understanding and move on without her, and get my soy sauce back. (someone put a smilie here)
 
#207 ·
So what does she claim changed 13 years ago that she suddenly found a way to stop?

You say she turns you down for years, so obviously her sexual opennes doesn't extend to you, how does she explain this?

Then there is the abortion etc. from the start of this thread. How does she explain that?
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#208 ·
All true, nothing is certain, again it is not all black or white.

And I am all lost and found myself in TAM.

She says, she saw how her last affair 13 years ago hurt me and she decided to change her behaviour. That didn't mean to have a proper relationship with me after that though.
 
#211 ·
Honestly you seem to be only the second guy she has ever said no too. That alone frankly would have me showing her divorce papers. Not because of the sex, but because of the rejection and humiliating slap in the face that comes with it.

I think your conflict and pain is bring enhanced because you know that divorcing her is what is right for you and wht she deserves. I don't think she stopped cheating 13 years ago and I don't think the aborted kid was yours. Sorry, but I just don't.

If she really wants to oe clean then have the polygraph,
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#212 ·
Hey, whats up? I just wanted to let you know that story is not so unique, and I'm not going give you any advice or perspective. Just that the only difference between the two of us is your deal happend in the begaining where as mine happen later in the marriage.

Two years ago I finally confronted my fWW with her 20th OM and it only took 13yrs to get there.

again alot of simularities with your story and we both have a lot of sh!t to sort out.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts. Don't ever forget this!

Now, my favorite and only montra is " I diserve good things"

Good luck brother, I doubt I'll be back to this thread, its to damb long, just like my sorry@ss 20 yr marriage was.
 
#213 ·
Shaggy brings up a really good point. Ask her why only you and one other man were not good enough for her to have sex with. I also agree that would be enough reason to divorce her. She gives it to everyone but you.

If she won't have sex with you, she doesn't consider you her husband. Ask her what she considers you to be. Sounds like she considers you to be a servant.
 
#214 ·
We need updates. Here is my update for now.

It is late. I am seperated from my kids, our home, my best friend and my love, tonight. Iam drunk and drugged myself so that I'd be in half comma soon. I wish I won't wake up again. But I know and I make sure that It won't happen. I'll be up tomorrow, early I'll pick my kids from my wifes home, take the older one to school, and life will go on. Hell I am so ready to go to tibet and loose myself in a cave.
 
#217 · (Edited)
Update,

Wife and I are divorcing. We both have our lawyers working on it.

Anyways, we put the christmas tree up a little late, last night. Wife two kids and I were putting on the ornaments, my 5 year old singing all the christmas songs he know, and I was putting aside everything and I was trying to find a little cozyness during one of our last times as a family together. Mostly for my kids.

Tree was done, kids and I were watching the lights, ornaments and talking about santa and his magic. Wife started to show her concern about me staying the night in OUR home. It is legally my home and that's where I am supposed to sleep, still.

I first said her "please, this is for kids". Then I decided to leave, I tried to make it easy on my kids but my 5 year old boy wanted to come with me no matter what, Then I realised that wife did'nt want to deal with kids anyways and she was OK with me and kids are leaving, because she had her work in mind, she brought home and couln'dt deal with kids.

Kids and I could be sitting around the tree and then go to bed (wife has her own single bed) soon and wife could go to another room and do what ever she wants to do with her computer, but she said no. She wanted me out and since she could'nt take care of the kids they had to leave with me too.

At the end, we put up the tree, and kids and I had to leave home after that. Such a f*****up memory for my kids.

Marry christmas everybody,
 
#218 · (Edited)
She wanted me out and since she could'nt take care of the kids they had to leave with me too.
At the end, we put up the tree, and kids and I had to leave home after that. Such a f*****up memory for my kids.
I'm very sorry man. You wife's behavior towards her own kids is despicable. This is what you wrote about her in the original post if this thread.
She adores our kids. She values life so that she (would) put(s) her life on the line for others, animals' included. She menages to stay vegetarian despite of being a gourme meat lover inside. She supports charities for abondened, mistreated kids, donates and works for them, sometimes comes home crying for some of the kids she met and would adopt one, last year if I'd go for it (I think).
What are the terms of the divorce custody wise?

You will get better once as get away from this soul parasite. No doubt about it. Focus in getting healthier and healthier. How are you doing it with the booze?

Hang in there.
 
#226 ·
Officially it is our family home, but she started looking for a new place for herself to be able to leave me and go to her own way before divorce is finalized. She can leave tomorrow with kids and can do that legally, this is not US. It would put a stress financially on her, besides our current home is at walking distance to my boy's school and to my mom's home where I live now and take kids daily, during day time. So I left before then legally I am supposed to, to keep my kids where they are used to be and physically comfoftable.
 
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