SKIP TO POST #105 FOR A SINGLE POST VERSION OF MY STORY.
Wife and I are together for 22 years and married for 20 years
I am 46 years old, wife is 41.
We have two kids, age 5 years and 18 months (why wait for so long to have children ? anyways,,,,,).
We had an unplanned pregnancy 4 months ago. I was really excited and happy but not really being able to share it with my wife because of her being panicked and disturbed attitude about it.
I was happy for the prospect of having another baby and she was not.
Two months ago and two months into pregnancy, she had the abortion. I was surprised how swiftly she acted on having the
abortion and did it before I realised that it was really going to happen.
She didn't want the baby mainly because, according to her, she is the sole bread winner lately and she couldn't take more responsibility. I'd give it to her, if I didn't know her beliefs and where she stands for all those years. She (and I) continued to express guilt and sorrow for the abortion we had during the early times of our relationships 20 years ago.
Financially there wasn't any immediate concern. Where we live, a women continues to be paid in full and plus during the pregnancy and after the delivery while having the 6 months (or more) leave of work. We have the best insurance coverage, great doctors, hospitals. And having another sibling would'nt put our two kids future in jeopardy, for financial reasons at least.
She adores our kids. She values life so that she (would) put(s) her life on the line for others, animals' included. She menages to stay vegetarian despite of being a gourme meat lover inside. She supports charities for abondened, mistreated kids, donates and works for them, sometimes comes home crying for some of the kids she met and would adopt one, last year if I'd go for it (I think).
Well again, I was surprised.
If it was a well layed out movie it would lead to something extraordinary about her not wanting that baby. Don't get the wrong idea, baby was mine, I think.... And I don't think that she had any affair around the time of that pregnancy, I think........
The abortion was the turning point. Before, we were just back from a realy nice holliday and after we were crumbling into pieces in every meaning.
Next day after the abortion, late morning, she called me from work and blasted me about me not calling her to ask her how is she doing. She started preaching me about how I don't care about her well being and don't suport her on the phone.
I had cried and threw up twice already then. I lost it there. I gave her the whole nine yards. Started with reminding her how we celebrated our first two borns first scans, the whole graphics like baby already having the arms and legs, feeling the pain of being thorn apart, etc....We had the first (appearently last) ultrasound scan and images of the baby few days ago.
I hope I did'nt go against forum rules here. I don't want to start a debate about abortion and it is the least of my concerns right now. I can't cut it short to the point most of the time, still I want to come across with where I am, that's all.
She ended up visiting the closest shrink immediatedly after our phone conversation.
I know I'm posting to CWI, I'll come to infidelity and desperately trying to cope with it part soon. Now it is really late here and I need to listen to some music before I try to catch some sleep.
Thanks for reading. I'll continue, put things into focus and look forward for your opinions.
I too say, I wish I had TAM and you guys, 20, 18 and 12 years ago.
Did I say "Borderline Personality Disorder", we got that too, not an official diagnosis though, just my biased opinion.
Let me guess, the baby wasn't yours? It was from her having an affair ? So she got the abortion. Posted via Mobile Device
Yup, that was my first thought as well. If I were the OP I'm not sure I could stay with her. If she aborted his baby without deciding together that would be a deal breaker and if it was the product of an affair that would be a deal breaker too. So sorry you're going through this.
You both needed to talk about this.
I am sure you both will need some counseling. I am thinking she will never tell you the truth as to if it was your child or someone else's but that has to hang heavy on her mind. If she had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy she has much to be apologetic about. I am sure it will make your marriage very difficult and I hope that you can begin to heal and forgive her for what she did to both of you. Posted via Mobile Device
The betrayal you must be feeling is heart wrenching.
I hope that two will both seek some counseling together and separately.
I can't imagine her doing that without saying anything or consulting you. I know when I was pregnant w/ one of mine, my H didn't take it well and he seemed so upset w/ me I remember exactly where I was when I asked him almost 7 yrs ago if he wanted me to abort it. His reaction to the news wasn't good and I was so hurt.
Betrayal comes in many forms, not just sexual affairs. If this was your baby it is still a huge breach of trust. I'm sorry you are going through this.
My wife kept some secrets from me since we first met, including that she was sexually abused as a child. She told me last summer after 29 years of marriage. It has rocked me to the core. Not the abuse itself (which saddens me deeply that she experienced it and the fallout from it), but the lies and secrecy surrounding it.
The destruction of trust eats away at a relationship. It makes one question everything about the relationship from the beginning. It makes one a bit paranoid of current events. It may also affect you in many of the same ways as discovering a physical affair, such as PTSD.
To recover your relationship you will have to deal with the trust issues as much as the events which damaged the trust. A book which helped me a lot was "After the Affair". I found that the issues of trust, communication, sex, forgiveness, and love were very applicable outside of the realm of physical affairs.
There is good evidence that journaling is helpful in overcoming the internal trauma of betrayals. Writing letters to her but not sending them can be cathartic also.
I had to start somewhere. Abortion was the turning point. Kick to my butt, sucker punch to my belly and blow to my head, all at once that woke me up from years of extreemly beta male dream that I've been calling "my life".
At this point I believe that baby was mine. I tried to hint that in my first post. So, there is not going to be any update on that (I think).
I can't prove otherwise. Actually I wished that she came up to me and said that baby was'nt mine. Then it would be much closer to black than white. Now it is still gray, the limbo....
I better finish the abortion story first.
I put myself on the back seat before the abortion. I was worried about her age, 41. I was also ashamed that I was'nt able to provide the financial security which a women rightfuly needs during a pregnancy and beyond.
We went to our (gyno) doctor whom I feel lucky to have from our first two kids' conception to delivery. We became kind of friends eventually. This is important because he knew that I wanted that baby. There was'nt a comminucation mishap about that.
Doctor said baby looked healthy at that point. Poor thing was laying on her side. I felt that it was a girl. I was going to video the whole exam and get the scan print outs as I did with our other kids before but my wife made me unconfortable all along. I wish I realised where we headed then.
After the exam, doctor said baby was fine and with the recent track record of my wife, her age and health was not an issue. She mumbled a little bit about this is not being a planned pregnancy, she asked about the legal deadline of having an abortion but mostly seemed undecided.
Her pregnancies were really easy. She's never had a morning sickness, food cravings, gaining weight, mood swings (not more than her usual). Her self admitted high pain tolerance was also usefull during tests, like amniosynthesis, frequent, blood draws and up to the delivery. She could carry me to delivery room on her back and joking on the way. She was like we could have ten babies if we started earlier.
We talked about it. I said I want this baby and she said I am not sure and towards the last couple of days she started saying that "I am having an abortion". I didn't take her seriously. It started downing on me the night before when she asked me to set the alarm a little early so she can catch a taxi to clinic since she wasn't driving herself. I said set your alarm yourself, how beta of me.
In the morning she was on her way. I started the realising/panicking process. I started calling her on her cell constantly, begging her to come back. And after about five times she answered, her phone went dead......
It was the time to rush out the door, drive like crazy and get to the clinic before it is too late
But at that time I was preparing breakfast for two kids, changing diaper, already tuned in to a 4 year old's cartoon on TV and most
importantly lacking the necessary balls, testosterone, and adrenaline like every other beta men.
I got what I deserved.......She had the abortion.
I really need to cut it shorter than this. Just the facts;
We where having a sexless marriage almost from the beginning. Can you believe living through about 18 years without any birth control and not having any pregnancies ? That was the first thing that we had to explain to our doctor after he could'nt find anything biologically wrong. We had our first child via invitro fertilisation way.
Last year, we had sex only three times. All initiated by me when I am half awake so that I am mostly animal and she is totaly asleep so that her participation is not required at least at the beginning.
First session of the year was around last winter, we had a lousy sex and both orgasmed. I came inside of her, it was not around her
Second time, last september, lousy sex, she orgasmed, and then I pulled out and came on her back because it was close to her ovulation days.
Third time, around mid october, initiated by me half asleep, she suddenly turned and said "heck, I am probably pregnant, lets do it". Pretty good and wet sex. she had the multiplies and I was happy too.
Second time above counts for the cause of her last pregnancy. It is a little peculier that after 20 years of unprotected, altough seldom sex she becoms pregnant at our older age with a minute amount of my precome. Well dates correspondes fine. (I think)
You will see a lot of "I think"s in paranthesis in my post. It is my way of saying that "You never know".
One thing I have yet to tell you about abortion is how I ended up in ER room with a panic attack. I'll come to that too and then comes infidelities. Now it is too late again and I have to wake upearly.
I read your responses. I have been lurking, reading your stories for the last month or so too. I had tears in my eyes more times than I remember, bless you all.
I should again say that aborted baby was probably mine, I don't have a betreyal story around that.
Lately, we both been in terapies and I put on medicine for anxiety and depression
THOR; Your post rings many bels.
I did that journaling 12 years ago during the most devistating affair my wife had. It helps. And yes betreyal comes in many forms as love comes in many forms.