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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-28-2012, 12:58 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Oh I'm still here, not going anywhere, I do learn from this site.
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Old 02-28-2012, 01:20 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Yeah, I'm back. Thanks for all the helpful input. I don't have anyone's names figured out yet or who said what, etc...

Update: I've been having the hardest struggle in myself the last few days. Yesterday I cried and I mean cried. I feel like **** for what I've done to my family, especially my husband. He's such a good man. The best, in fact. I am such a dirt bag and don't deserve my great life.

I haven't told my husband, yet. I guess that just proves what a ***** I am. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I want to talk it out with her first. I think you are all right, though and I need to tell my husband.

I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here. I still haven't contacted him. I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family. I was being totally selfish. I was buying into what OM was telling me. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I'm so fickle. I get this way with my friends, too, I buy into what they say and start following along. I've ****ed up so many friendships in my life because of that.

I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????
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Old 02-28-2012, 01:35 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Yeah, I'm back. Thanks for all the helpful input. I don't have anyone's names figured out yet or who said what, etc...

Update: I've been having the hardest struggle in myself the last few days. Yesterday I cried and I mean cried. I feel like **** for what I've done to my family, especially my husband. He's such a good man. The best, in fact. I am such a dirt bag and don't deserve my great life.

I haven't told my husband, yet. I guess that just proves what a ***** I am. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I want to talk it out with her first. I think you are all right, though and I need to tell my husband.

I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here. I still haven't contacted him. I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family. I was being totally selfish. I was buying into what OM was telling me. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I'm so fickle. I get this way with my friends, too, I buy into what they say and start following along. I've ****ed up so many friendships in my life because of that.

I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????
Isn't it a little late to be asking those questions. I always find it weird how the consequences are never even thought about ahead of time. You already made the decisions for your family future without there input. Three more people s lives are already forever altered all that is left is for you to accept the consequences of your actions and give your husband his life back. What is the point of life if it is all just make believe and that is what your husband has. Today was another day that you got up and purposely decided to lie and cheat on your husband. Just like yesterday and probably just like tomorrow. Make today be the start of the rest of your life.
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Old 02-28-2012, 01:36 PM   #79 (permalink)
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CC,

Do you have somewhere to stay if your husband asks you to leave?

Not trying to scare you, but maybe if you start preparing for the worst (packing a bag, making arrangements to stay with someone, etc.). It may help you bolster up the courage to tell your husband what happened.

When you do tell him what is going on, you need to be prepared to come clean on every aspect of your affair -- even the sexual parts.

If he does decide to keep you, his male ego is going to be nuked and in order for him to move on he is going to want to know the dirty details. Be ready and prepared to answer everything: how many times did you have sex with the OM?; was he bigger than me?: was he better ? where did you have sex?: in our house, at a hotel? did you do things for him that you have never done for me? -- that type of questioning.

I don't feel sorry for you, but I do empathize with what you are going through.

Best thing to do is get the kids out of the house, set a date to tell him, and just do it.

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I would not be surprised that he has known that something has been going on in your life, and he might surprise you with his responses.
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Old 02-28-2012, 01:40 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Comingclean View Post
Yeah, I'm back. Thanks for all the helpful input. I don't have anyone's names figured out yet or who said what, etc...

Update: I've been having the hardest struggle in myself the last few days. Yesterday I cried and I mean cried. I feel like **** for what I've done to my family, especially my husband. He's such a good man. The best, in fact. I am such a dirt bag and don't deserve my great life.

I haven't told my husband, yet. I guess that just proves what a ***** I am. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I want to talk it out with her first. I think you are all right, though and I need to tell my husband.

I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here. I still haven't contacted him. I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family. I was being totally selfish. I was buying into what OM was telling me. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I'm so fickle. I get this way with my friends, too, I buy into what they say and start following along. I've ****ed up so many friendships in my life because of that.

I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????
Glad to see you back ComingClean. You are correct, you absolutely need to tell your husband, let him get tested for STD's as well as yourself, and it is in his hands then. There are some excellent tips on this site to help guide you through what you should be doing to help him heal, should be choose to remain married, or attempt reconciliation.

Don't be suprised if he doesn't seem to know. He may want to work it out one minute and the next he may hate you. It kinda rotates and spirals.

Your kids are definitely something you should have thought about before this, but you can't un-ring a bell. Don't use them as a reason to not be honest with your husband.

The more time you wait to tell him about this affair, the worse it will be on him. I didn't find out until 18 months later, and it was like everything that happened during that time was a lie. Because I was not an equal partner in my marriage due to his lying, the recovery was a lot harder on me. Be aware of that, and don't waste time trying to justify lying to him. Best of luck, and keep gathering information on what you can do once he knows.
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Old 02-28-2012, 02:05 PM   #81 (permalink)
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I don't know if you should wait til Thursday to see your therapist.. Can't you get an emergency appointment. I know you gotta be scared. It's not gonna go well when you tell him but you really need to if you ever want a good marriage. You know what you need to do.
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Old 02-28-2012, 02:17 PM   #82 (permalink)
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I get the sense that you are truly sorry for what you've done, and I hope you are. You're scared now that you realize what you could lose, and you should be.

You say you are ready to come clean with your husband, so just do it. It's probably going to be horrible, but you earned that. He has a right to know.

I hope you remember to allow him his reaction, whatever it is. He's entitled. You betrayed him in the worst possible way. I'm not saying that to be mean or hurtful, but I think sometimes the WS is so busy trying to make the affair seem like less than it is/was, than it is that they almost resent the reaction of the betrayed spouse.

Remember that if he chooses to forgive you, it will take time. ((hugs))
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Old 02-28-2012, 02:22 PM   #83 (permalink)
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by the way..excuses are not working
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Old 02-28-2012, 02:36 PM   #84 (permalink)
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I can honestly say I would have an easier time getting over what mine did to me, if she would have ended it before I found out, and came clean.

I sometimes feel like it only ended AFTER she found out what it did to me, or after the fog cleared.

the fact that you ended it, and what to come clean, is definite step in teh right direction.

THERE WILL NEVER BE A GOOD TIME TO COME CLEAN! You need to do it yesterday.
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Old 02-28-2012, 02:58 PM   #85 (permalink)
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And when you come clean come fully clean. Heck write it out in a timeline to give to him when you confess.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:09 PM   #86 (permalink)
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And when you come clean come fully clean. Heck write it out in a timeline to give to him when you confess.
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Maybe he isn't going to want that level of detail.

Might be enough for her to say, "I messed up, I had an affair, it's over, what can I do to make it right" and leave it to him to ask for whatever it is he wants or needs to know.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:26 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Comingclean,

I went back and re-read your original posting, and something jumped out at me. You wrote that you need to know "WHAT to tell my husband."

Are you trying to present what you've done to him in a sugar-coated way so he will be more forgiving?

If you tell him the TRUTH, then you don't have to think about it at all.

If he does decide to give you another chance, and try to re-build your marriage, then it has to built on a foundation with NO secrets and NO lies.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:53 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Comingclean View Post
.

I don't want my kids to be from a broken home. I fear the worst when I tell my husband. I know what I've done is unforgivable. I know I don't deserve to be a wife and mother. But do my kids deserve to not have a mother? To not have a home with a mother and father in it????
You have started on a long hard road. You cut off the OM.
Seeing your therapist and discussing it there is a good idea and your right, the kids do deserve not to come from a broken home.

You can't undu what has been done and this is one of the saddest things about it. It is right to fear the worst. This is the worst thing that can have happened to him. You telling him, assuring him that it is over and recommitting to the marriage are your best chances .
Remember that your guilt is not his to carry. he has a broken heart to deal with. You have to do both.
Be truthful with him. Connect with him. Don't rely on other friends as support. He needs to see like never before that you are there with him.
You just lost your right to any privacy. he is not being controlling when he wants to know where you are, he is protecting himself from further hurt.
It does sound like you are sorry and this is a good thing.
Tell him after you see the therapist. Good luck.
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:31 PM   #89 (permalink)
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I cut off all ties with the OM long before I posted here. I still haven't contacted him. I don't even want him back. Why? Because I want my family.
From you first post, you've been down that, "I broke it off with him many times and want my family back" road before. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give it a little time, let things settle settle down with your husband, a little routine set in, and you'll be back in contact.
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:34 PM   #90 (permalink)
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From you first post, you've been down that, "I broke it off with him many times and want my family back" road before. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give it a little time, let things settle settle down with your husband, a little routine set in, and you'll be back in contact.
Why bother posting here? You aren't being helpful to anyone, just getting your anger out. post your own thread and vent, or go take it out on whomever it is towards.
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