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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-29-2012, 01:06 AM   #106 (permalink)
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I may be wrong, but it may be insightful to compare the OM who is at best a FB with her husband who hopefully is the father of her children and man who truly supports and loves her. What I provided is SOP for what the OM thinks. Personally I believe if she can do it, cancel the boyfriends ticket, forever ban him from her thought and presents, don't tell the husband a damn thing that will destroy the fairy tail world he may have build and live with the guilt. Ya, there's some downside but confessing everything is going to hurt her old man.
Living with the guilt will eat away at her. Her husband needs to know. If she is really remorseful, she must confess and deal with the consequences. One of the hardest things a person can do is face themselves. By coming clean, she will be doing that.

In doing so, there are no guarantees that her husband will want to continue but it will be one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences she will go through. She decided to stop living a lie. Right now, her marriage is a lie. Her husband has not been her one and only. He deserves to know.
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Old 02-29-2012, 01:47 AM   #107 (permalink)
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Living with the guilt will eat away at her. Her husband needs to know. If she is really remorseful, she must confess and deal with the consequences. One of the hardest things a person can do is face themselves. By coming clean, she will be doing that.

In doing so, there are no guarantees that her husband will want to continue but it will be one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences she will go through. She decided to stop living a lie. Right now, her marriage is a lie. Her husband has not been her one and only. He deserves to know.
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I can see the temptation to cover up, lie and live with the guilt but how can that not get in the way of building an honest, respectful and strong relationship?

Last week a business colleague confessed his "secret" to me that he has been carrying for 15 years and has told no one. I raised "radical honesty" as a possibility and asked how can holding this secret not weigh him down? How can it not stop him having a truly honest relationship with his wife? I can see things are weighing heavily on him. He knows he has to do it for his own conscience.

Perhaps that's what it comes down to. Do you have a conscience?
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Old 02-29-2012, 07:54 AM   #108 (permalink)
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I thought I said I was on the cheater side of the equation so I have experienced one side of it. Curious about your reluctance to take advise for the non-experienced in this area. What about a MC.
.
I wouldn't choose a MC who hadn't dealt with it before. There is knowing ABOUT it and KNOWING IT. Two separate things.

If you are a reformed cheated, why are you in here being unhelpful and posting snarky comments to other cheaters? Does it make you feel better?
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:04 AM   #109 (permalink)
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Confessing her affair before her husband discovers it, improves - not guarantees - the odds in her favor that her husband may choose to continue with the marriage. I know that in my situation it would have been less traumatic if my ex-wife had come forward and confessed than me discovering that horrible video. Perhaps I'd even still be married to her.

Comingclean, if you choose to take the secret of your affair to the grave, you will be forever on guard not to slip for fear that your husband finds out and ends the marriage. If your marriage is fated to end, better that it end now than years later when the damage will be exponentially much greater to your husband. Your choice.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:43 AM   #110 (permalink)
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Wasn't there a published case of a man divorcing his wife when in their 90s? He found out about her affair in 1940s.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:44 AM   #111 (permalink)
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Yeah. Just a few weeks back. In Italy I believe.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:46 AM   #112 (permalink)
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See, "taking it to the grave" part can fail in unimaginable, spectacular ways.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:03 AM   #113 (permalink)
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Comingclean, you need to tell your husband about your affair, it will eat you alive, especially if you are remorseful, and really love your husband. Your relationship has to be built on honesty if it is to survive. It's a tough decision, I know.

And when and if you do, tell him EVERYTHING all at once, don't let little bits and pieces slip out, it will just anger him more. I destroyed my marriage because I was unable to tell all the truth at once, we think the less they know, the less it'll hurt, and they keep asking if there's more, we say "NO", and more comes out.

good luck
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:09 AM   #114 (permalink)
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The man is in his 90's. Last year he discovered letters from his wife to her lover from WWII. They had only been married a short number of years when she started her affair. He went straight to an attorney and filed for divorce despite his wife's pleas to him for forgiveness. The sad thing is that he will die firmly believing that his marriage was nothing but a sham.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:09 AM   #115 (permalink)
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If you are a reformed cheated, why are you in here being unhelpful and posting snarky comments to other cheaters? Does it make you feel better?
No Dawn, it doesn't make me feel better. I don't think its going to hurt her to get an idea about the situation she is really dealing with, and what she has jeopardized her marriage for and possibly destroyed it. Its not some romantic fairy tail where everybody lives happily ever after she recovers the lost joy of experiencing interaction with a long, lost love. She pursued this guy because of some romantic vision of him and how he possessed something that could fill some emotional need. Women tend to believe the man has a similar emotional connections. She needs to know she is trading a temporary taxi ride for a Cadillac. This vision she has that the OM feelings are mutual most likely doesn't exist and she is nothing more than a play thing. Ya, the sex was fun and exciting but that's not some magic generated only by the two of them . It would be fun and exciting with me and hundreds of other guys. Sex, in and of itself, is a physical act that is performed basically the same by everyone. And sex is all it is to the OM. The fare she is ultimately going to pay is a very high one. Unfortunately, her husband is going to have to anny up most of it. Hence my suggestion she not confess to him to offload the guilt. In this situation, if she can truly give up the other guy and never do anything like this again, I don't see a lot of upside to confessing and letting her husband know the Ferrari he thought he married is a kit car. That's my take and I maybe wrong.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:20 AM   #116 (permalink)
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Well I found it very interesting reading what goes through the mind of the OM, thank you for sharing that, for I had an EA and as I read what you said..kept shaking my head telling myself yep..I do believe the OM was a player...and there I was in lala land.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:35 AM   #117 (permalink)
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Hence my suggestion she not confess to him to offload the guilt. In this situation, if she can truly give up the other guy and never do anything like this again, I don't see a lot of upside to confessing and letting her husband know the Ferrari he thought he married is a kit car. That's my take and I maybe wrong.
For that to be successful, she would need to be able to successfully compartmentalize the affair so she could put it away from her mind - like storing away old pictures inside a box placed in the attic. Most of those who can compartmentalize in such fashion often have personality disorders which bring a host of other issues to the marriage. The rest of us are unable to do that and are faced with harboring an emotional toxin which slowly poisons our lives and the lives of those closest to us. And as we've seen, if the affair is discovered later on by her husband, then all bets are off as far as any chance for the marriage to survive.
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:22 AM   #118 (permalink)
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That is a downside to not confessing Morit. In a situation like this, the culprit has to choose their torture. The cost of extramarital affairs are greater than any benefit you can possibly receive and leave wounds that never heal and scars that are forever visible. You have sentenced both you and your spouse to a living hell. Its unfortunate that the expected excitement of such liaisons overshadow the damage you're doing and the pain youre causing.
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:39 AM   #119 (permalink)
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Wonder if she's told him yet. Hope she gives an update.
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:40 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Why didn't you think what an A'hole POS, your lover was BEFORE you spread your legs for him.

He didn't give one crap about the destruction of your family---all he wanted was what he got in HS, some sex---you couldn't make it with him, then----and now guess what, you have let him completely destroy not only your life, but the life of your H., and even more improtantly the life of your OWN FLESH AND BLOOD THREE KIDS

I hope you don't want us to believe you are a good mother---cuz a good mother would not have sacrificed her kids on the alter, of split homes, divorce, misery, and growing up not knowing who they belong with, on whatever day it happens to be.

Sorry but you deserve no sympathy, I know you are asking for none, but no matter what you decide---it will all end up miserably, so it doesn't really matter which way you go

I won't say good luck to you, as I will never dignify what you have done, for some cheap meaningless sex, I will say good luck to your destroyed, husband and kids., they are gonna need it.
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