I'm Ready To Own What I've Done - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

Hi everyone,

I've tired doing this before on a message board about a year ago. It's taken me a long time to finally get here and get my head out of my posterior!

I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we have three awesome kids! I have a very good life. I know that.

About two years ago my high school sweetheart contacted my via facebook. He said he was coming to town and would like to catch up with me and meet my husband. Husband saw the flashing red lights and said "heck no!" (Man that man is smart!)

Anyway, I couldn't let it die. So much had happened in my life and I needed to forgive him for the way I still felt about him. I needed to close that chapter in my book. I emailed him and told him I'd like to hear how he was doing. We emailed each other a few times and he was cordial, but very careful. Then I called him. I told him I wanted to know what his intentions were. He said he just wanted to make amends in life and thought of me. We talked for hours and hours.

Then, I called him again, then again, then again. I was already in too deep. I had strong feelings for him. But I couldn't stop, knowing that it was wrong and that it would destroy my family.

Next he came to see me and a pleasant talk turned into a kiss. I tried to get away from him before anything happened, but he talked me into staying a little longer saying he traveled so far and can I at least go with him to lunch.

Slowly, the innocent phone affair turned into a full fledged affair...emotional, physical, everything. I told him I wouldn't leave my husband and kids for him and he was ok with that. Of course, he really wasn't ok with that. People deserve more in a relationship. People deserve a faithful companion who devotes their lives to their "us".

I broke it off with him many times, because I want my marriage back, I want my family together. I want my life back. And then I'd go back.

This last time was the last time. I will not go back to him. I love my husband too much. I love my family too much.

I'm here because I want to be held accountable. I want to come here when I'm feeling weak and want to go back to OM and you to tell me to get my crap together.

I also need guidance on what to do. I don't know how to get through this, what to tell my husband, how to get back to my old self. I liked her much better than what I've become.

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post #2 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 07:53 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

be prepared for a nuclear explosion after you tell him, especially after he first said NO.
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post #3 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 07:53 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

I am not sure you quiet know what you are in for..

If you have any doubts about this OM and you not being able to resist him. Divorce your husband.
At this stage the affair MUST BE OVER. if you can not say this with absolute clarity you need to divorce your husband. Now.

He does not deserve to be put through the crap he is about to go through more than once!

it will be very hard and you will feel very weak when your husband of 15 years collapses in a heap. He will not be attractive, he will not be strong and he will not be understanding.

If you are going to tell him. You will need to be totally transparent with him. Do not hold anything back because it might hurt him.
He will ask about the sex. Tell the truth. All of it.
Give him your phone.
Open up all your emails [yes even the hidden one] facebook. Everything.
Make an effort to tell him where you are.

What you have done shows no love at all for your family, your husband or the "us" that you took so long to build.

You owe the OM nothing. Be prepared to lose your husband.

Well done for making it here. The advice you recieve will be hard to hear but it is the best chance your going to get to save your marriage
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post #4 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 07:57 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

You committed the ultimate selfish act.

Tell your husband. He deserves the right to make a choice. To not do so is to cheat him out of an honest life.

Keeping this secret will eat away at our soul. Your self hatred will backfeed off your husband and you will grow to resent him.

You may be able to keep it hidden for ten years, twenty... but sooner or later you will slip up, or someone else will, and the dirty, puss-filled infected canchor you have created will burst all over you and your marriage. Your husband will realize that everything he has known about his wife and marriage has been one big fat lie.

If you are morally courageous enough tell your husband, and he chooses to keep you, you need to get the OM completely out of your life forever. Call him with your husband listening, or send him a No Contact letter cutting him out of your life for good while your husband watches.

Then commit yourself to a life with absolutely no privacy. You have lost that privelege. Your life must be an open book to your husband: no secret passwords on your computer, total transparency with your cell phone.... you know the routine.

You will always be an adulteress -- you cannot fix that. But you do have a chance to no longer be a liar.

Last edited by bandit.45; 02-26-2012 at 11:53 PM.
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post #5 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:08 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

I don't feel real remorse from your post because you talk about needing to come here when you are weak towards the OM. That tells me that you are not finished with that relationship. You best get your head screwed on correctly before making an attempt to be held 'accountable'.
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post #6 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:11 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

Wow you sound exactly like me..I did the same thing..your story is my story, only difference is it never got physical but was definately emotional..i broke it off too, came back, same thing. It was like an addiction..we texted and talked daily. Well I finally blurted it out to hubby, he insisted I quit contact imediately. I refused and told him I wanna date him! Hubby kicked me out. I lived back and forth with my 2 sisters. Well a few days later I lost it..had a bad nevous breakdown..was really gonna check in the mental hospital. My husband rescued me..fed me, took me home after goin.g on no sleep. I've been back a month and we are working on. our marriage. Thank God! I blocked the ex from cell phones..did no contact letter and have been honest to hubby with all the hard questions..Got the ex out of my system, got that closure but boy do I wish I never would have facebooked the ex..What a rollercoaster and mess I made with hubby of 20 years!
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post #7 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:13 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

You came here to ask us for accountability when you feel weak.


When you first answered the email, first made the first phone call, you knew you would end up in bed together, because you wanted that so badly. You didn't listen to your husband, so now you are in a huge pickle, aren't you?

Ing is right - if and when you tell your husband, he is going to die and look like the weakest POS in the world. This will tempt you even more to take on your lover again. Given he said NO, and you did it anyway, I would be SHOCKED if he could ever recover from this. If he decides to keep the marriage (I sure as heck wouldn't), he will constantly check up on you, need reassurance, and smother you. He won't trust you for months, maybe YEARS.

And you will eventually say he is "controlling" you by doing these things, which of course, is ridiculous. But you'll do it anyway.

If you come back (not sure you will) to this board, let us know if you plan on telling him. If you do, you'll likely lose him. If you don't, you'll lose your own soul. Kiss one of those things goodbye. Sure hope it was worth defying your husband's explicit wishes for a romp in the hay with your ex.
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post #8 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:16 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

Right now one person is messed up about this... you.

After you tell your husband, five people will be messed up about it. You, your husband and your three children.

What makes you so important that your crappy decisions making you feel bad have to make everyone else feel so bad?

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post #9 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:20 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

The only one that will really help you from going back to OM is your H!
Sure he might leave you but take the chance and the consequence that comes with getting this monkey off your back.

If the OM is married or has a GF tell them too, they will tighten up the leash on OM side of things.
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post #10 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:23 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

Why in the hell do people recycle old relationships? Whats there to close after so many years?

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post #11 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:28 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

sorry to tell you this but they are all right..if he takes you back..it will not be the same..your marriage has been damaged due to your selfishness, hey I did it too and yes it was very selfish..the self hatred is something I cannot get rid of..I do have the best husband in the world but not many husbands would be as forgiving..He cant and will never be able to forget...so much more I could say, send me a private comment if you wanna talk
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post #12 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 08:56 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

If you're ready to own it, tell your husband.
You already know what the right thing to do is. You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you.
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post #13 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 09:04 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

What to tell your husband? The truth. Any be prepared that if he is a smart man, he will wonder if those three beautiful children are really HIS children.

You don't need people on the internet to make you accountable. You need to let you husband in on the details of his marriage so he can make some decisions. If he decides to leave, then that is the price you pay.
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post #14 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 09:18 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

It really doesn't matter what any of us think.Or, what you think, for that matter. Your choices are to come clean with your husband and hope ye's the forgiving type, or try to keep it hidden and chance his finding it out from a different source. You can bet that he isn't likely to be as stupid as I was in keeping the blinders on for twenty years.
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post #15 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-26-2012, 09:23 PM
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Re: I'm Ready To Own What I've Done

Oh and I forgot to mention how bad it hurt my children..I still feel like they don't look at me the same anymore..wow why didn't I think about all the consequences before jumping into an EA?? Can't take back what I did but sure wish I could.
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