I feel like this is just a repeat of other threads (which it is) but i dont want to jump in someone else' story to ask advice for my situation.
married 7 years. i love her dearly. etc.
about a month ago my wife mentioned that she had communicated with an ex-boyfriend (from 12 years ago). I didnt really mind, i figured, just catching up. so anyway, a couple things happen along the way,
1. one night she sends me a text with a picture of her boobs in it. which was AWESOME to me by the way, she never does stuff like that and i got very interested - even sent her a pic of my junk to reciprocate. (all this despite the two of us being in the same house) like i said, i thought she was being playful.
2. the sex got really good all of a sudden. now i always enjoy sex with my wife, but she got more "into it" even one night offering anal which we hadnt done in years and which ive asked for periodically ever since the last time.
Ok, one other thing, she made a comment basically saying that the ex in question had the largest penis shed ever been with, it wasnt made as a mean comment, i didnt really think anything of it at the time.
ok so, im going through my emails and i see a msg from att that we're over our data usage. anyway some investigation ensues and i discover that she has been sending/receiving txts to this guys number in excess of 2000 times, she was over 4000 at the time but not all of them were to that number and i didnt try to count them all, but some were multimedia txts.
so im a little shocked as im realizing how much she has been txting him, and a couple things start to dawn on me. more investigation reveals that right before she sent me the pic of her knockers she sent a mmtxt to him. and suddenly its clear that the one she me was most likely a guilty afterthought, ill mention that realizing it wasnt intended originally for me is the first BIG hurt. naturally i start to think about her behavior over the last couple weeks and am kinda overcome with shame and embarassment that this new spark in her had nothing to do with me.
wrapping up, i confronted her, she tried to deny at first but eventually confessed that the messaging had gotten "inappropriate" or "sexual" thats about all shell describe it as, begging off further inquiry with "i dont remember exactly" etc. oh and she says the only dirty pic was the one she sent me also, the others were pics of our son/life/regular-catchingup-type stuff.... but, she sent and recieved an awful lot of multimedia texts. so i dont know if i believe her.
my question is. is it better that i dont know EXACTLY what was said between them or should i attempt to find out. she doesnt save messages, but "he" did, apparently after she told him that she wasnt going to txt him anymore he messaged her one day and basically forwarded alot of the conversation w/ pics. so i know he has them. att says they cant retrieve message content. but just imagining exactly how bad the sexting got is driving me crazy, i kinda feel like if i had the messages it would be easier to get over, but maybe they WILL be as bad as my worst imagining and the proof will break me.
i admit the only thing thats stopped me from contacting him and asking to see the txts is hurt pride, i really dont want to talk to the guy who my wife chose to "electronically" cheat with.
Maybe the pic she sent you was really meant for OM and only sent to you in error.
wrapping up, i confronted her, she tried to deny at first but eventually confessed that the messaging had gotten "inappropriate" or "sexual" thats about all shell describe it as, begging off further inquiry with "i dont remember exactly" etc."
I would refuse to accept that explanation. It is such an obvious and blatant lie. How can she not remember? Who would believe that? Does she not remember what she says and does from day to day? Tell her to stop insulting your intelligence and, if she's going to lie to you, at least have enough respect for you to tell you a lie that's halfway believable. Tell her you're going to divorce her if she doesn't come clean, then go ahead and do it.
I caught my hubby sexting almost 6 years ago. We kept going over our texting limit. He was a delivery driver and he said he was texting with a guy on his route about fantasy football. After we went over on the second month, I got the texting records and the number in question. My GF, who worked at the cell phone company, called the number and a girl answered the phone. I then went all 007 and started checking his phone, which all the texts were erased, and the number was saved under J John. When initially confronted, he denied, but later confessed shortly thereafter. It was a girl on his route, and he said that some of the texts were inappropriate. The texts/phone calls started at 530am, when he went to work, and ended by 5pm, when I came home from work. Never on the weekends. At some points, there were 20 points of contact per day between phone calls and texts.
My hubby did full disclosure and insisted there was never any physical contact. My GF did end up calling and talking to the sexting girl, who basically backed up the no physical contact, but claimed they weren't sexting, which he said she lied. I have to say, this really helped me in resolving it in my head.
He gave full an complete disclosure and answered every question I had. He also had remorse for the pain and betrayal I went through. We went to counseling. We had some serious communication issues in our marriage, and he found someone who was nice to him and who listened to him. How he dealt with our problems was wrong, but I also had responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage.
We are still married, and have never had an issue like this since. I think it was a wake up call for us. But if I didn't have the complete disclosure and remorse from him, we never would have made it. If she doesn't provide complete disclosure and remorse, I would say the trust is completely broken.
hmm i guess ill add that the ex is going through "supposedly" his second divorce, so outing him is irrelevant to me.
Im 99% (because you can never be 100%) positive that there has been no physical interaction, theres nearly 2000 miles separating she and he and she doesnt travel for work.
i guess, what id really like to know are some people opinions on, KNOWING the extent/severity of the texting versus imagining how bad it was.
If you know then you won't have to go on imagining for the rest of your life.You're imagining now or you wouldn't pose the question.Personally,I couldn't resign myself to a marriage of doubts.If you can,then obviously more power to your wife.
Obviously, your wife can remember what the messages/pictures were.
And obviously, the picture of her chest that she also sent to you was not the only inappropriate picture she sent to him. Obviously, what perked up your sex life a month ago was her rekindling her flame for an old ex. Sorry to say that you were just the surrogate for her passion for him.
She in practicing trickle truth. She will only admit to what she knows you can prove (the number of texts and one naked picture). Until you can prove more, she will deny, deny, deny.
As for what really happened, another poster, in another thread wrote something that I usually think of in this situation.
"If she says they talked about work, they talked about sex.
If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date.
If she says she kissed him, she gave him a BJ.
If she says they cuddled, they had sex."
Keep that in mind when your wife is telling you that they texted about family and innocent things. Now, if you really need to know exactly what happened, then make that a condition of reconciliation. However, whether you want your wife to tell you exactly what was said and what pics were sent, or not, you should require her to stop trying to sweep this under the rug by insisting that they were trading recipes thousands of times a month.
So you're wife did not have time to travel 2000 miles to have this go physical but did he? If he's going through a divorce, what would his STBXW care if he was gone a day or two getting some starnge from your wife?
As others have said, polygraph her to get to the bottom of this