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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-01-2012, 11:49 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
Need advice.

Just got called by OMW for a copy of phone logs and text messages. I plan to redact all innocent parties' phone numbers on the statements.

Any thing else to remember to do?

The text messages are extracted snippets from her phone log.

Finally, my WW has been very touchy about info about a prev A the OM had. She says she shared that detail with me in confidence, and that it would betray her trust in me (I know, I know) if I shared it. However, one or two of her texts to OM mention the previous A. Do I remove that part? Or let the **** fly?

Please remember, that even as foggy as my WW is right now, I am hoping for R at some point in the future.
No do not remove that part. For all she would know OMW could have found the info from his email and cell.
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:32 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

You seriously need to man up.

She is walking all over you. My god, stand up for yourself. She took your computer? Find it and take it back. Tell her if she wants to be like then her $hit will start disappearing.

All bets are off. You give whatever information you have to whomever you damn well please. You tell whoever you want whatever you want. Screw that selfish b!tch.

If you act like a doormat people will wipe their feet on you all day long.
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:44 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Do not protect her affair partner. What is he -- some Svengali with a harem of women he has been hiding from his Wife? Sheesh --even if you do "respect" what she told you in confidence, the proof is in the call log or whatever. Trade info with the OMW. I agree with whoever said to make her an ally.
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:44 PM   #64 (permalink)
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I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.

I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:48 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

well you shouldnt be telling her you are exposing, you should just do it

and I beg you to reconsider about the info on the additional affair

1) she deserves to know in order to make a proper decision, it's what you would want too, yes?
2) elegirl brought up a good point, if she already started digging up her own info then by you leaving it out it muddies what she will believe
3) her decision to divorce should not be your concern, honestly if they do get divorced and your wife runs to him, then honestly you had no shot at R and who wants to be second choice anyways?
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:54 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

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Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce.

She what? Dude she's playing you like a fiddle, you do know that dont you, please tell me you see it

I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.

Again, playing you seeing if you'll back off with HER threats!

I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:10 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

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She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.
Wow!! I mean Wow! With that statement she just told you that her loyalty is clearly with the OM over you and your marraige. And she said this to your face.
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:14 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

You need to understand something

You're basically need to say to your wife "It's me or him, you can't have both"

if she fights the exposure then she is choosing him

that's why you just do it, let her threaten divorce all she wants, because you are the one who will file if he goes ape sh!t from the exposure
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:23 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

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Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.

I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
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She and the OM are desperately trying to protect the remnants of their affair. It's like an alcoholic drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol because all the liquor has been removed. The only way to end an affair is cold turkey while burning every bridge there is. Anything less and the cheating spouse will start up all over again. If not with this man than with another.

Those that can...do. Those that can't...talk.

Don't be a talker...be a do'er!

Show some strength and take your life back.
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:32 PM   #70 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.

I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
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What this says to me is you are allowing her to manipulate you . Stop waffling , send all the details to the OM's wife and don't tell your wife. She lost the right to have a say when she started cheating. If you want any chance of saving your marriage start acting instead of talking, and keep quite your wife does not need to hear your voice.
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:46 PM   #71 (permalink)
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What this says to me is you are allowing her to manipulate you . Stop waffling , send all the details to the OM's wife and don't tell your wife. She lost the right to have a say when she started cheating. If you want any chance of saving your marriage start acting instead of talking, and keep quite your wife does not need to hear your voice.
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SHOW her don't TELL her!
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:56 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Quote:
did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Why did you tell her this? Why did you show your hand???

Stupid, stupid, stupid.... You're still seeking her validation and approval

DON"T TELL HER ANYTHING YOU ARE PLANNING ON DOING!!!!

EVER!!!

Lord almighty.....
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Old 03-01-2012, 02:03 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce. I did not back down, but went with chap's advice and offered to keep the other A back in reserve. She wanted the whole
Enchilada. She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.

I didn't back down. She is currently having a nervous breakdown. Cancelled all appts, asked me to arrange for the kids etc. Likely histrionics. But it is hard to tell. Tte stress has been high on her. For now, I am not going to do anything. But I hear her offer full transparency and
NC. Is this the mascara running capitulation we are supposed to be looking for?
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How would she even know if you did expose, is she still in contact with him?? what happened to NC?

She is holding this over you still, threatening to divorce you if you expose? I guess she has all the power in your "relationship" (if thats what you call it)

You did back down, she called your bluff and got her way, while her AP gets to eat his cake and have it too.

If she was coming out of fog she wouldn't be having a nervous breakdown... if you were on the path of true reconciliation she would be expressing gratitude and relief.
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Old 03-01-2012, 02:15 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Like Lon, I want to know how your wife EVEN KNEW about sending the OMW's texts or info about the guy's other affair.

You told didn't you?

Ugh. Back to the drawing board.

Lesson of the day: Exposure 101

NEVER EVER EVER let your spouse or the affair partner know BEFOREHAND that you are about to expose. No way, no how, nothing. Because it gives them time to get their stories straight, to make you look crazy, to concoct more deception.

Ick.

Dude. This is not remorse. Not even close:

Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
I guess the pressure is getting to her. She spent two hours this morning talking. She says he genuinely wants to move on, but threatened that sending the texts to omw would lead to our divorce.

She said sending any texts would end Om's marriage and he would feel obligated to pick up the pieces with him.
Wow. So she threatens YOU, the person she betrayed saying that if you don't keep this guys' skeletons in the closet she is going to divorce you and she is going to feel "obligated" to continue her relationship with him.

What in the f-ckity f-ck?????

Is she for real?

I would have laughed in her face. Please tell me you laughed in her face. Like this:

"Be my guest" should have been your answer followed by a "In doing that you just show me where your committmrent lies. I hae no desire to be married to someone who thinks I am going to be kept as second best. I deserve a whole lot better."

Your wife =

Yes, that is the smiley sign for LOSER.
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Old 03-01-2012, 02:32 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Thrway... this is one of my links and it's applicable to your situation. Here is a more thorough assessment:

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
here's how it goes down when you expose:

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's Wife,

Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Your Name"


THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing her to stay in the house/carry on as a married woman with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go.


Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.
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