Told the OMW, update
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-28-2012, 09:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Told the OMW, update

I guess we are in the aftermath. She escalated by moving money out of an account. (I am not worried, I am fairly well protected). She took my computer from my home office (not sure she is going to find anything of importance). She says she will file for a D. She continues to say this was the nail in the coffin.

Broke 180 this morning and had a long conversation about telling OMW. Got a lot of blame-shifting. I resisted and stood up for myself pretty well.

I am beginning to see that there were some serious issues in our marriage - which are still not deal-breakers. But seriously, I don't believe that she has the humility and selflessness to deal with a proper R. I don't think she even likes the new person she has turned me into.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

this is starting to look more and more of an "exit affair"

since the fear of divorce is obviously not present at all, she likely had plans to divorce in the first place
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

I have to agree with AR. Either that or she's playing a hardcore game of chicken to see if she can back you down.

Regardless you have to continue on in the direction of the 180. I'll be interested to know if she actually does file for D or if she just talks about it.

Sorry man. Stick to the 180.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

There is no future with this guy, and I still think this guy will turn and run from her. What I do know, is that my wife will cut her nose to spite her face. She will file, even if only to get the last word.

I have backed down so many times, I have to remind myself that this time, it was an affair - not some inconsequential argument about this or that. She walked out on the marriage. Game of chicken is over.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

File first?
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

I know the type thrway - all pride, no dignity; always right, no sense of humility. Reason is no match for anger or the need to be right.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Just walk away (figuratively speaking). She had an affair. What more do you need?
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

I had to go to the other place to get a gist for your story. So I pulled some of your relevant posts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
Second DDay was two nights ago. Got another oppty to sync her phone. Another gut-wrenching blow-up. This time, the messages are about how much she loves him, and how good he makes her feel. She writes of how she goes to sleep thinking of him and waking up the same way. ****ing mushy love notes. And a whole web of lies. They have met numerous times. While it is clear that there was no sex, I am not sure how much physical contact there was. She had clearly doubled down during the interim weeks.
She's VERY deep in the fog of the affair, I mean really. They met numerous times but no sex? How sure of that are you? By reading the texts? Maybe she gave him BJs and maybe he went down on her. But it's clear this is a PA, you just don't know the extent because of the TT.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
She has realized that she has to give up OM and is actively working on it. She is in the bargaining phase. Today, she wanted me to mail him a gift that she had bought for him. She asked this as a favor in return for giving him up!! Like all other stories here, this is just insane - except to her. She said she wasn't going to MC, but then this morning agreed to. She says she will never give up her freedoms and will not comply with my "nazi" demands for information. She really thinks she can set this up on her terms. She still really cares for this guy. She doesn't want me to contact his wife because she feels it will destroy their marriage. All symptoms of the fog, I am sure you will agree.
Amazing! She wanted you to mail to the OM a gift that she bought for HIM? Yeah, that's absolutely crazy. It shows just how far gone she really is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thrway214 View Post
As of today, my wife says she is on day 5 of her NC. She seems to have genuinely turned a corner. But I know your experience screams that she is just lying (even if, perhaps, to herself). She says she doesn't care if I tell the OM's wife - that it will be his problem. She talks about how she feels taken advantage of. She says she still has feelings for him, but can see how she may have been in the fog too deep. She says she is now 100% committed to our marriage. However, she continues to disparage counseling. I told her in no uncertain terms that we need to resolve the issues in our marriage that preceded the A. She understands that..
She was bluffing you and felt you really wouldnt do it because you have been so beta to her before and given in to everything. So that when you really did it, she went ballistic.

She has no respect for you or the marriage and she's till very deep in the fog. The only thing she did after DDay#1 back in October was take it further underground and even deeper with the affair - which by the happens every time the BS rug sweeps the affair.

Now, seeing how concerned she was about protecting OM and his marriage, this may not have been an exit affair. But she definitely wanted to cake eat for as long as possible, and maybe hold out hope that OM will leave his BW.
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

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Originally Posted by SprucHub View Post
I know the type thrway - all pride, no dignity; always right, no sense of humility. Reason is no match for anger or the need to be right.
yeah, i know this type also
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Start planning fir a wonderful, less drama filled, life without her. Go get a haircut at a nice place, hit the gym, get yourself some new clothes, take a night class,.......do things that were not your norm....you know, look up a smell the roses and ignore the fertilizer....meet new people.....simply move forward in a new direction and quit allowing your WW to force you to circle around and around.......really shock her, get your attorney and beat her to the punch, use infidelity if allowed.
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Why did she take the computer? Why did you allow that? Is it a shared computer?
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

She's digging for dirt. Desperate not to be the bad guy.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299 View Post
I have to agree with AR. Either that or she's playing a hardcore game of chicken to see if she can back you down.

Regardless you have to continue on in the direction of the 180. I'll be interested to know if she actually does file for D or if she just talks about it.

Sorry man. Stick to the 180.


Stay strong man, dont allow her to manipulate you any more. Serve her first, surely she is not going to file.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:15 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Told the OMW, update

Quote:
Originally Posted by calif_hope View Post
Start planning fir a wonderful, less drama filled, life without her. Go get a haircut at a nice place, hit the gym, get yourself some new clothes, take a night class,.......do things that were not your norm....you know, look up a smell the roses and ignore the fertilizer....meet new people.....simply move forward in a new direction and quit allowing your WW to force you to circle around and around.......really shock her, get your attorney and beat her to the punch, use infidelity if allowed.
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I did these things (all of the above mentioned) during my separation and after my divorce. It has all helped me tremendously in dealing with things. I feel more confidence than I have in a long time. I totally recommend doing this.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:17 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SprucHub View Post
I know the type thrway - all pride, no dignity; always right, no sense of humility. Reason is no match for anger or the need to be right.
^ That was my ex husband.
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