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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-28-2012, 04:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Sure am glad I found this site. I cannot concentrait at work today.

There has been something not quite right with my husband's behavior lately.

So I went through the computer he uses... And found that he's been hanging out in virtual chat sites that cater to cyber sex. And yep that's what he's been doing whenever I'm not home or asleep.

This is not the first time. About 4 years ago he started out this way and eventually met two women and had real life affairs with them.

I gave him a chance & I thought we were doing well. Guess this is the end of the line for my marriage.
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 02-28-2012, 05:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks! Now what do I do? I'm not giving him another chance. Need to make a list...a plan
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I am so sorry. I caught my hubby doing similar things. What I did was to kick him out of the house.
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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First of all, I am sorry you are here with us. Recognize that his behavior is all on him and not of your doing.

Second, take stock of you finances and create a plan. Seek the advise of a divorce lawyer and then file and have him served.

Again, I'm sorry you are here.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I would go dark. Try to hide what you know and try to put up a strong fake front. Record, copy, print out what you can and safeguard it.

Go to an attorney.

If you want to file for divorce then file.

Make sure like Kando says, create a plan.

I would not let your husband know anything until you are ready to hit him with the big gun.
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Old 02-29-2012, 01:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear you are going through this. I can certainly understand your feeling like it's time to cut your losses.
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Old 02-29-2012, 01:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Sorry that it has come to this, and that he stomped on the precious gift of R that you offered him.
  • Lawyer up to see what your legal options are. You can file and start the D. The process takes so long that you can use it as the grace period to see if you want to R or not. You can ALWAYS halt or delay the process if you change your mind.
  • Start separating your finances
  • Start the 180 so you can start to detach. The 180 is NOT a tool to manipulate your WH into R. Its a self empowerment tool for you only. Don't use it to manipulate him.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I looked at the 180 and will start doing that.

I have decided to go dark with what I know and keep gathering info until the time comes. I'm thinking that the more data I have the less I will have to explain why I want him to leave and want a divorce. There can be no excuses of it being a one or two time slip.

Now I need to find an attorney I suppose.

Last night after work was so hard. I just wanted to rip his head off (figuratively speaking of course). Our children were around (18 & 19) so that helped me keep it together. It would be wrong to put them in the middle of ugly drama.

They will not be too surprised or upset when the divorce comes. They were the ones who alerted me that "hey dad's doing weird stuff on the computer". Apparently he thought he was hiding it well while sitting in his home office. But apparently they could see the screen. They were totally grossed out.

But still they don't need to hear any yelling/screaming, fighting, drama. While they will not be surprised over the divorce I still think they will be hurt by this because they do love their dad. But they also know he's been a real jerk for some time.
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I am going through this now and it is horrible, just awful. I get so emotionally upset i feel sick. My heart goes out to you hearing your story. Also have a daughter around this age and she knows. She loves him very much and also knows how selfish he can be.

First of all, you would not be "creating drama". HE IS THE ONE CREATING THE PROBLEM BY LYING TO YOUR FACE AND DOING THIS BEHIND YOUR BACK. That said, yes you are going to be angry, especially when he tries to minimize once you confront.

I went through it all-----initially being crushed, broken heart,anger, lashing out, yelling, taking off, you name it I did it. He still maintains he never "hooked up" even though he was on the same kind of sites as your husband. SEVERAL TIMES.

My fear was that these sites are NOT PORN. As you know all too well, these are place for real time sex with real time people AND THEY MEET IN REAL LIFE ALL THE TIME. He is throwing his vow of fidelity into the trash by even being there.

He is so far gone, he is even doing it while the girls are in the house! You don't NEED any more evidence.

Here's what I did that got me clear.

I got a lot of advice here, and my first demand was he sign a post-nup. He agreed. As I was getting the paperwork together, I thought----"What am I doing?!" I don't want to be in a marriage where I have to contract with my husband to keep his vows...." So I abandoned that idea and went straight for the separation paperwork.

There is an online site where you just enter in all the details and it spits out a legal document. And I saw it in black and white. I cried big tears and realized the marriage I thought we had was already over, and the fighting wasn't worth it.

I put the paperwork in front of him, and everything changed. I have never done anything like this before. His voice changed, he visibly wilted, and I just saw him as a person who was depressed and truly suffering as he realized his world was now ending also.

I haven't been mad since, don't know where any of it will lead, but I know I feel better, not angry anymore. Just accepted it as his choice, let go of the blame, and took responsibility for myself, emotionally. I love him truly and want only the best for him, and myself.

The paperwork sits on the table, unsigned. We sleep in separate rooms and are finally talking. But I don't feel he will be able to do the work needed for a true R. And that's OK. I am moving on in life, if he decides to get with the program, it would be great, but I am not expecting it or needing it. I am going to a place I have needed to go for myself for a long time.

You can do it also. I don't know what it will take for you to get clear, but I know it will come for you.

When you can, let him go with love. Take your life back and show your girls that you will not only bounce back, but flourish.

Peace to you.
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Old 03-02-2012, 05:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the support and good advice. I’m working it….

I’ve been doing the things that need to be done so that when I confront him I have everything in order. And there is more new evidence every day. I found another secret email account that was used as a login to a site to meet women. I have not figured out the password yet. Sometimes I an guess his passwords.

It’s been a hard week at work. And now it’s 3:32AM and I’m still up. I have a teleconference at 8am. I HAVE to be awake for that. But at least I can call in from home.
It’s just too much trying to work, take care of the children and be going through this as well.

My next big dilemma is how to tell him. How to confront him and tell him this is it, he has to leave. It’s gut wrenching even though I know I have to do it. I gave him a chance before and he’s obviously blown it. But it’s still going to be hard… mostly because I don’t want to explain anything to him. I don’t want a fight or him begging me to give him another chance. I just want him gone. Wish I could just hand him the printed out pile of evidence with a note on top that said that he has to leave now. He can arrange to get this stuff later. I’ll pack it and he can pick it up when I put it outside.

Just do not want to drama. I want this done with.
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Old 03-02-2012, 06:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Women have cheated on their hubbies for 12 , 20 etc etc years..and still the hubbies have gone for saving the marriage..but women cant forgive the men, in similar vigor..

here the guy seems to be just freaking with less serious stuffs...a good strong counselling can change things for better, for both of you...and he needs awareness and a bit of psychological help.

dont jump into impulsive decisions as others suggest to divorce or seeing an attorney etc...be wise, give more thoughts with all frames of references for the right decision making ...
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Old 03-02-2012, 12:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Mark you are so off base …..
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Originally Posted by Mark Val View Post
Women have cheated on their hubbies for 12 , 20 etc etc years..and still the hubbies have gone for saving the marriage..but women cant forgive the men, in similar vigor..
Statistically speaking…

When the husband cheats, 98% of wives chose to stay with their cheating husband and repair the marriage.

When the wife cheats, only about 5% of the husbands chose to stay with their cheating wife and repair the marriage.
Thus statically speaking, you are all wet.

Further I could care less what others do. This is my life and I make the decisions about what I will and will not allow in my life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark Val View Post
here the guy seems to be just freaking with less serious stuffs...a good strong counselling can change things for better, for both of you...and he needs awareness and a bit of psychological help.
Get a clue. In my post I mention years of him cheating not only on line but meeting women that he knows from on line and having affairs with them in real life. From that the astute reader would realize that there is a lot more going on here than the little bit I talked about in my post.

In my first post I have disclosed only about 1% of what has gone in over the years and what is going on right now.

Rest assured that we have already gone through all the counseling, psychiatric visits, etc etc. NOTHING has changed his behavior; he only gets more and more secretive. Since my original post I have found more things online to include that he has been on web sites for married people looking for local women to meet and have sex with.

And things in our marriage only get worse and worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark Val View Post
dont jump into impulsive decisions as others suggest to divorce or seeing an attorney etc...be wise, give more thoughts with all frames of references for the right decision making ...
None of the above apply to my situation. When giving advice, I suggest that you ask questions first before jumping to conclusions.
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hey Hope

You are the only one who knows when you have had enough. Some women can forgive their husbands for multiple transgressions, some women stop at the first hint of a betrayal.

You have gone above and beyond, it sound like, and the poster who said not to be hasty, may have just been trying to say -- not to make decisions when you are so hurt and upset....at least that's what I hope they meant.

When you confront, don't have a blow out, unless you want one! Sometimes you want to yell, to vent, you know all the things.....

You can simply not confront. My only real advice is dont confront in a way that allows him to deny. Save your evidence for your lawyer and yourself, don't give it to him. Why would you need to? you have proof and are making your decision based on that.

Heck, you could simply have him served if you are sure there is no way back for you. But be sure.....Good Luck
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Don't listen to Mark's post.

Hope--if you are done then file for divorce. I would print out the ads/info you found and leave it laying on his bed with a note saying you thought he was committed to being faithful to you, especially after you gave him another chance.

I am sorry to hear this. My ex did the same thing. I foud out the 2nd, 3rd and 4th profiles when we were in our "reconciliation." He even had the nerve to tell me "I don't need the internet to meet b*tches!"
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