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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-01-2012, 05:39 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: finding out

I'd suspected for a few months that something was going on as he'd been visiting 'friends' and coming home late from work more than usual. Then he mentioned he was out of credit on his mobile phone, I had recharged it recently (he hardly ever used it as far as I was aware). When I went to do the recharge and I checked his call history to see what was up. I found a whole bunch of texts to an unknown number, mostly in evenings after work.

I was planning to find out who this person was, but then the next day he said he was going to a friend to help him do some work on his house. I found this odd as he hardly does any work on OUR house. Also, he showered and got dressed in decent clothes before he left... (stupid, hey?). He looked guilty when I said that it was odd he was helping fix someone else's house when ours needed a lot of work.

He was away for about 3 hours and when he came back I said 'You were away a while, you must have had a very good time at YOUR FRIENDS house' (heavy sarcasm on 'your friends'). He looked terribly guilty, and I was seriously suspicious now.

That evening he said he wanted to tell me something, and that's when he confessed to a PA affair with a work colleague. The worst thing was that he was all starry eyed when talking about her, implied she was great in bed - he even thought she was some sort of 'sex therapist' I had sent to him to keep him happy as our sex life had been dwindling!..... Talk about the fog... lol.
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:50 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: finding out

I started to get strange emails... one in particular was, "wow, great sweater ! " I looked down as I had on a plaid flannel shirt !

About 6 months later, I picked up his bb thinking it was mine, and one time , this one time, he left it unlocked ,and I found, "good night, love you so much ! "

~sammy
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Old 03-01-2012, 07:32 PM   #63 (permalink)
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I'd suspected for a few months that something was going on as he'd been visiting 'friends' and coming home late from work more than usual. Then he mentioned he was out of credit on his mobile phone, I had recharged it recently (he hardly ever used it as far as I was aware). When I went to do the recharge and I checked his call history to see what was up. I found a whole bunch of texts to an unknown number, mostly in evenings after work.

I was planning to find out who this person was, but then the next day he said he was going to a friend to help him do some work on his house. I found this odd as he hardly does any work on OUR house. Also, he showered and got dressed in decent clothes before he left... (stupid, hey?). He looked guilty when I said that it was odd he was helping fix someone else's house when ours needed a lot of work.

He was away for about 3 hours and when he came back I said 'You were away a while, you must have had a very good time at YOUR FRIENDS house' (heavy sarcasm on 'your friends'). He looked terribly guilty, and I was seriously suspicious now.

That evening he said he wanted to tell me something, and that's when he confessed to a PA affair with a work colleague. The worst thing was that he was all starry eyed when talking about her, implied she was great in bed - he even thought she was some sort of 'sex therapist' I had sent to him to keep him happy as our sex life had been dwindling!..... Talk about the fog... lol.
Oh yeah that sounds familiar. My H's OW, a co-worker and a student of Marriage and Family Therapy told him an A with her would "improve " his marriage, because" no one can be all things to all people", and he "deserved a little happiness",( insert piece of tail here, hiss hiss). My H told me what a " terrific a$$" she had, and how exciting and "fun" she was. He still wonders why it is taking me "so long" to get over his choosing another woman over me. He also told me that he thought I already knew about it and didn't mind; and that she and I probably would be "friends"if I met her. He told me that he thought his having an A would also make me want him more. I have met her and I would still like to rip her head off, and the wanting him more thing isn't working out so well for him either. It can get pretty sickening when these people are in the A fog. They lose all perspective .I would like to know whose sex life does not dwindle from time to time, and why cheaters think that gives them the right to stray?
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Old 03-01-2012, 07:42 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Oh yeah that sounds familiar. My H's OW, a co-worker and a student of Marriage and Family Therapy told him an A with her would "improve " his marriage, because" no one can be all things to all people", and he "deserved a little happiness",( insert piece of tail here, hiss hiss). My H told me what a " terrific a$$" she had, and how exciting and "fun" she was. He still wonders why it is taking me "so long" to get over his choosing another woman over me. He also told me that he thought I already knew about it and didn't mind; and that she and I probably would be "friends"if I met her. He told me that he thought his having an A would also make me want him more. I have met her and I would still like to rip her head off, and the wanting him more thing isn't working out so well for him either. It can get pretty sickening when these people are in the A fog. They lose all perspective .I would like to know whose sex life does not dwindle from time to time, and why cheaters think that gives them the right to stray?
WTH?? I wonder how he would have reacted if you had your own affair and told him the exact same thing?
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:25 PM   #65 (permalink)
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WTH?? I wonder how he would have reacted if you had your own affair and told him the exact same thing?
I am absolutely sure he would have been destroyed. This fog thing completely strips them of empathy and honor. The beoytch didn't have any to begin with, but everyone who knows my H would be completely apoplectic if they knew about this. It just doesn't fit his persona. He is kind and mild and loyal, or so I thought. It is a mid-life thing with him, I think. The OW was more than 20 yrs his junior and a stone fox, intent on seduction. I won't cut him any slack for that. I don't care what she looks like or how determined she was,I hold him responsible for not distancing himself from the situation before it got out of hand. I do think he would have been kinder to me than I have been with him if I had strayed. He is basically a good man. I am Irish.
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Old 03-02-2012, 12:31 PM   #66 (permalink)
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For me it was her avoiding me. She's upstairs, Ill go upstairs and she'll come downstairs. She was literally talking on the phone all the time but In a low voice to were she was trying to hide something and holding the phone right up to her face.

What happened before that months before is the Beyonce song "two the left, two the left" came on and she told me "she could have another me in a minute". I told a friend at that point that I was about to go through some Sh!t.
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Old 03-02-2012, 04:59 PM   #67 (permalink)
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my wife was texting.all the time.and i would think who in the fck could be so important.i found out through phone records over half of her text were twitter and facebook alerts.but she did text om for two weeks after they had sex.by then i knew she wasnt the faithful wife i thought her to be
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Old 03-02-2012, 07:42 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I've posted this before but I'm doing it again now . . . .

My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there.

I suspected that it wouldn't end there and it didn't! I started checking her phone (something I'd never done before) and, sure enough, the textual affair was up and running.......

During the following week or two, she became very impatient with me and knocked me a lot. She had no interest in me sexually and everything I seemed to do was wrong.

During that time, a text came in to her phone and I read it. It was from him. She asked me who it was from and I said it was some guy who'd send her text jokes over the weekend, if she wanted. She said it wasn't some guy. She said it was a work colleague. I didn't display the patience of a card player and I told her I knew all that had been going on. Initially she denied everything point blankly. Then, bit by bit, she admitted things.

To cut a long story short, she said that the whole thing excited her and that I hadn't shown any interest in her, prior to it all. (Fairly true, I have to admit). She said that he was interested in her purely for who she was, but stressed that they had never met up and that he didn't know her name. He just knew her by her first initial.

Anyway, I totally lost it and shouted at her, asking if she thought I was stupid enough not to cop on to what was going on and to believe, like she had told me, that it wouldn't go any further. Later, she admitted that he had asked to meet her and there had been the suggestion, by him, of something physical between them. The following day, I took her phone to work, with her agreement, and after about an hour, a text came through from him. I replied, pretending to be her and we exchanged about ten texts. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I phoned him (I hid my cell phone number). I got his voicemail. I told him that it had been me who had been texting him all day long, that I knew what was going on and that I never wanted him to contact my wife again!!!

When I got home, I told my wife what had happened. She became angry, saying that I should have allowed her the chance to finish it instead. I felt a bit foolish over the way I had behaved (I had been blinded by anger) and told her I was sorry. I asked her to text him and to tell him that I shouldn't have done what I did. She said she would and that would be the end of it.

That was definitely the lowest point of my life. Nothing has ever come close to it. I did blame myself, partially, for it, as my wife's emotional needs weren't being met by me. She insists that there was never any contact after that. I believe her but something like this damages trust to the extent that, deep down, there will always be some little element of doubt in my mind.




Looking back on it now, I wonder if the "original" text I intercepted was the original one at all. Our sex life has always been a bit hit and miss. Things improved a bit afterwards but gradually returned to normality.

Sometimes, I feel the EA is all behind me.

More times, however, I feel that she made a complete fool out of me and is capable of doing it anytime she wants . . . . and maybe she has done so since, although there has been absolutely any evidence of anything since.

I'll never be sure though and, I guess the bottom line is that trust was shattered on D-Day and will never be fully restored.



All changed, changed utterly . . .
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Old 03-02-2012, 10:13 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: finding out

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mario Kempes View Post
I've posted this before but I'm doing it again now . . . .

My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there.

I suspected that it wouldn't end there and it didn't! I started checking her phone (something I'd never done before) and, sure enough, the textual affair was up and running.......

During the following week or two, she became very impatient with me and knocked me a lot. She had no interest in me sexually and everything I seemed to do was wrong.

During that time, a text came in to her phone and I read it. It was from him. She asked me who it was from and I said it was some guy who'd send her text jokes over the weekend, if she wanted. She said it wasn't some guy. She said it was a work colleague. I didn't display the patience of a card player and I told her I knew all that had been going on. Initially she denied everything point blankly. Then, bit by bit, she admitted things.

To cut a long story short, she said that the whole thing excited her and that I hadn't shown any interest in her, prior to it all. (Fairly true, I have to admit). She said that he was interested in her purely for who she was, but stressed that they had never met up and that he didn't know her name. He just knew her by her first initial.

Anyway, I totally lost it and shouted at her, asking if she thought I was stupid enough not to cop on to what was going on and to believe, like she had told me, that it wouldn't go any further. Later, she admitted that he had asked to meet her and there had been the suggestion, by him, of something physical between them. The following day, I took her phone to work, with her agreement, and after about an hour, a text came through from him. I replied, pretending to be her and we exchanged about ten texts. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I phoned him (I hid my cell phone number). I got his voicemail. I told him that it had been me who had been texting him all day long, that I knew what was going on and that I never wanted him to contact my wife again!!!

When I got home, I told my wife what had happened. She became angry, saying that I should have allowed her the chance to finish it instead. I felt a bit foolish over the way I had behaved (I had been blinded by anger) and told her I was sorry. I asked her to text him and to tell him that I shouldn't have done what I did. She said she would and that would be the end of it.

That was definitely the lowest point of my life. Nothing has ever come close to it. I did blame myself, partially, for it, as my wife's emotional needs weren't being met by me. She insists that there was never any contact after that. I believe her but something like this damages trust to the extent that, deep down, there will always be some little element of doubt in my mind.




Looking back on it now, I wonder if the "original" text I intercepted was the original one at all. Our sex life has always been a bit hit and miss. Things improved a bit afterwards but gradually returned to normality.

Sometimes, I feel the EA is all behind me.

More times, however, I feel that she made a complete fool out of me and is capable of doing it anytime she wants . . . . and maybe she has done so since, although there has been absolutely any evidence of anything since.

I'll never be sure though and, I guess the bottom line is that trust was shattered on D-Day and will never be fully restored.



All changed, changed utterly . . .
sorry buddy, did it go physical?

Yes, everything changes after discovery, denial, trickle truth, blaming....

How are you now?
How did you manage the aftermath?
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Old 03-03-2012, 05:13 PM   #70 (permalink)
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sorry buddy, did it go physical?

Yes, everything changes after discovery, denial, trickle truth, blaming....


How are you now?

It's about 10 years now since D-Day but I'm pretty good, generally, but little things trigger sometimes.


How did you manage the aftermath?
Hi, AngryandUsed. I just noticed an error on my post. It should have read " . . .although there has been absolutely no evidence of anything since."

I don't believe it went physical because I'm 99.99% sure that they never met.

I never really understood the mind of someone who's had an emotional affair till I found this wonderful website. Looking back, there was a lot of trickle truth after the initial denial and blame shifting also.

I thought at the time that I got all the truth eventually but, having spent a lot of time on this site, I wonder if she just told me what she wanted to tell me. I guess I'll never know.

As you've seen in my post, I lost it and screamed and shouted and so on. Then we had the trickle truth and blame shifting. I found it difficult to let it go and would hit her with a barrage of questions every so often. Eventually, I backed off because she used to become extremely upset and when I would draw it up. That said, there are times I still want to ask her things about it but I just bottle it up because of not wanting to upset her. And many here will probably feel that I should be more concerned with my own feelings rather than hers. I know I should but I just back off.

Trust was shattered when it happened and I guess I will never trust her 100% again, although, as I said, she hasn't given me any reason to doubt her since.

I became obsessed with sneakily checking her phone for a while afterwards (about a year) and I have fairly free access to her work place and called there a few times in that period after she'd gone home from work, because I thought I might find some evidence of ongoing contact. I didn't find anything. I don't check her phone at all now. Never.

We moved on and things were great for a while and gradually we went back to the way things were. Currently, I feel we're more like housemates than a married couple. We rarely have sex and there isn't much hugging or cuddling either.

But I think that the EA is always there like an elephant in the room. When she gets a text, I won't read it, even when she asks me to. It's not discussed but we both know that we're both thinking about the other guy and his texting years ago. She'll tell me to read any text she'll receive if she's out in the garden, in the bathroom, etc. but I just say that it's her phone and that I don't want to read it.

I don't think about it at all as much as I used to. Time is a great healer, in many ways, but I don't think that full healing will ever take place for me. I hate admitting this (and others have said so in the past also) but spending a lot of time on this wonderful site sometimes provides a lot of triggers and makes me think much, much more about it than I might otherwise do. And that drags me down a bit, as you can imagine.

I have numerous friends but no close friend. I have nobody with whom I can discuss personal issues. A few years ago I confided in a friend about something and he told at least one other friend of mine about it. That experience even put me off going for counselling as I feared that the counseller might mention it to someone I know. Silly, I'm sure many of you will say, but we live in a fairly small city where everyone seems to know everybody else and I'm pretty well known to many people due to my involvement (and past involvement) in a number of organisations. I'm sure counselling would benefit me greatly but I've never been able to take the first step in that direction.

Thanks for taking the interest and time to reply. I feel a bit better having posted this reply.

Last edited by Mario Kempes; 03-03-2012 at 05:20 PM.
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Old 03-03-2012, 10:25 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Ditto here buddy.

Sad part for me is we are fighting more often. I wish I had found this site before the confession. I think in my case there is more....
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Old 03-04-2012, 10:54 PM   #72 (permalink)
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I found out due to the fact that I started to care!

It was getting so bad that in some way my fWW was in danger. I mean for years I could have cared less.

To this day I have no answer why I started getting suspicious. My "marriage" was easyier with the OM's in the picture. They picked up the slack that I didn't want. A deniel of biblical proportion.

My fWW life style was so bad it was a matter of time before the cops pulled up and started asking question that a "normal H" would have answers for. But not me Her life style gave me the me time I wanted.

Two years later ...it wasn't even a discovery, it was more of a confrontation to her unhealthy life style that effected more then me, or should I say lack of effect for me , but for our kids.

She has asked me many times " why after so many years I started to care" I have no answer.


There was a higher power that got me off the lazyboy and away from work that gave me the focus to investigate, gather proof and confront that is behaond my old self.

But I pulled her cell and printed out the data and just woke her up with a discussion that changed our lives forever.
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Old 03-12-2012, 06:51 PM   #73 (permalink)
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I received a pocket dial from wife from inside car of OM, they were on a two hour "lunch date" a while later I called back wife and left a voicemail "sorry to interrupt your date but could you call me back" I wish I could have seen her face.
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Old 03-12-2012, 11:29 PM   #74 (permalink)
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I started to get strange emails... one in particular was, "wow, great sweater ! " I looked down as I had on a plaid flannel shirt !

About 6 months later, I picked up his bb thinking it was mine, and one time , this one time, he left it unlocked ,and I found, "good night, love you so much ! "

~sammy
Sorry, that had to be tough )-
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Old 03-13-2012, 06:29 AM   #75 (permalink)
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For me, I started to get suspicious during our separation. I knew he'd been to see the his ex-girlfriend from when he was a teenage, and for part of that ten weeks, she'd posted some hints on her FB page that she was happy in a new relationship (though he denied it all, and after I asked him about it, those posts disappeared and her FB page suddenly became "friends only").

Of course that nagged me after he came home and we got back together, and before he put his suitcase up, I found a receipt for a $99 pair of women's boots (her receipt, though I didn't know it at the time). He was also keeping his cell phone on him at all times. So, about ten days after our R., I found a bag of papers in the trash. I took them and went out for coffee. In the bag, in addition to all his food and gas receipts, were all these bank statements- they'd had a shared account. Also, a balled-up love poem that he drunkenly wrote one night but never gave her (though she's snoopy, and I'm sure she saw it), and a sample pack of Levitra with two of the three pills gone.

Finding out was a surreal, hurtful feeling like nothing else. I called him from the parking lot and told him I knew. He cut off contact with her six days later (had to get her to close the bank account).

After that, I finally realized I had access to our phone records, and found out he'd been living with her for eight of those ten weeks, and found out he'd paid her bills. The hardest part of our R. has definitely been knowing that in every single way, he replaced me and our daughters with this woman and her kids, and trying to get through/over that.
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