Did your wife come to you and tell you? (and ignored his attempts to fish) Or did you find out on your own?
If it's the latter then R is not going to go well
She told me. I was actually out of town as my dad was in the hospital and she let me know about what happened, what her response was (she had a small failing that she owned up to), etc.
The information made it back to the OMW as well. From what I understand, things aren't going so well on that front as he has continued to try and deny/conceal things.
You need to make clear what's expected of your wife for you to R
I recommend you click the welcome newbies link in my signature and I recommend that you tell your wife you need the following in order to consider continuing to reconcile and if she ever breaks it again then you file:
1) No Contact- again if he tries to contact her, she tells you of it right away and she ignores his attempts
2) complete transparency- all passwords given to you, if you want to look at her phone she hands it over without complaining, she informs you of her whereabouts at all times, checks in with you as much as possible
(at the same time without telling her you need to get spy equipment in place if you don't already, keylogger, VAR's, etc)
3) She needs to be 100% remorseful- that means no trickle truth, blameshifting, or gaslighting. She does the heavy lifting and does what you need to start regaining trust. She takes ownership of the affair- the marriage may have had problems pre-affair but the affair decision was all hers to make. There is no excuse for her poor decision.
4) spend 10-15 hours a week of alone time for just the two of you so you can rebond.
How long did the affair take place? How is your wife reacting to the whole situation? What steps has she taken to show you that she hasn't taken it further underground? (Detail it as much as you can. The more detailed, the more helpful the forum can be)
Alright, full disclosure. While the OMW discovered the physical affair, she did not inform me -- my wife did a day after the fact. My wife has, seemingly, been honest about what happened, what is happening, etc. She has been sorrowful about the affair, but, in reality, a good portion of that is grieving the loss of the OM, her "best friend" (the OMW) and the relationship between our families. She has been honest about that too (it hurts like hell to hear, but it is honest). In my opinion, my wife has met the minimum requirements to show some progress, but not a ton more.
I'm very technical (my job is in software), so everything is now monitored. Her iPhone has iMessage disabled now (FYI, Apple's iMessage protocol may be cool, but it also means that any Apple to Apple messaging doesn't show on the cell bill as a text message). I'm checking her web traffic, especially for access to any web based communication or email site that I wouldn't know about. All of her email accounts cc to a separate email box that I have access to. All that gives me some level of insight to whether she is continuing the affair or not.
What really makes this complicated is that this isn't our first time through marital issues. My wife has been told she has a "love addiction" because she has had more than one emotional affair during the course of our marriage and this seems to be a pattern with her. This latest affair was exactly that -- an emotional affair to her liking -- but the OM had his own designs for pushing it and much as possible into physical territory. Having said this, I am not certain that our marriage can/will survive. I certainly am not up for taking any more of this. The only way I see of our marriage having a chance is for her to totally admit to the situation she is in (which she has done), but then backing that up with continued efforts and actions that show she is serious about change and a full commitment to our marriage (which I'm still waiting to see).
In the end, moving is a relatively small part of the overall picture. My wife is deeply engrained in the town where we live -- she grew up here, her parents and only sister (who, by the way, has had 2 affairs of her own) live here, etc. What that also means is that men who she has had emotional affairs with still live in the area. Part of me thinks that if she isn't willing to move, she isn't willing to truly face up to the consequences of her actions and isn't willing to commit to the marriage.
I am not certain that our marriage can/will survive. I certainly am not up for taking any more of this. The only way I see of our marriage having a chance is for her to totally admit to the situation she is in (which she has done), but then backing that up with continued efforts and actions that show she is serious about change and a full commitment to our marriage (which I'm still waiting to see).
Part of me thinks that if she isn't willing to move, she isn't willing to truly face up to the consequences of her actions and isn't willing to commit to the marriage.
Have you exposed to the OM's wife? Have you and your wife been tested for STD's? She had sex with your next door neighbor for a year behind your back? Did she have sex with him in your home?
What has been the consequences to her actions? Why was she willing to humiliate you and your marriage? In the back of her mind was she willing to cheat on you because she knew that you would want to recover and forgive her anyway? How did you found out and what was her reaction when you did?
The other man has HPV. Supposedly, since that was a known quantity, intercourse and oral sex were "out of bounds". We've been down the testing path, but HPV, being a slow developing virus could still catch up to us at some future point.
Part of this is my own fault and I fully admit to it. I saw enough conflict in my home growing up and rebelled against it, but took it too far. I have been too loving and forgiving while not raising conflict when I should have. As a result, despite previous emotional affairs, she hasn't suffered many consequences so she, obviously, has been able to repeat the cycle. For my own self, raising conflict and establishing boundaries are key to my own healing.
Having said that and going back to my original post, moving seems to be part of my own healing process as well as establishing boundaries. The affair took place in our neighborhood and the OM continues to live 5 houses away. Things did take place within my home and there are painful memories which now seem attached to this place. Previous emotional affair OM live in town and we run across them from time to time, but this latest affair has resurrected past hurts. The town, neighborhood and house all seem "contaminated".
I want a clean start. I want to feel that I am not trapped in my wife's world, in her town where she grew up, with her parents (who had 2 daughters who both have had multiple affairs). I want to be there to support my parents as my dad is in the final portion of his life. I'd like to have my whole family with me (kids/wife), but my wife's actions/decisions will have a role in determining if that happens. Does this make sense? I understand that my emotions are up/down, but rationally it seems to be a step that would be good for me, for her if she commits to it and a statement to our kids that Dad is standing up to this **** in the belief it is the best thing for all of us.
What really makes this complicated is that this isn't our first time through marital issues. My wife has been told she has a "love addiction" because she has had more than one emotional affair during the course of our marriage and this seems to be a pattern with her.
Then your wife MUST seek therapy to resolve her "love addiction" otherwise it is only a matter of time before she finds herself involved in another affair.
All things considered I would move. Get that fresh start. Your wife's actions have caused this. If you want any chance to reconsile and to be able to trust her at all, I think you have to move.
Rent your home. Get outa Dodge. She needs the change as well.
I cannot imagine having to go on business trips under these circumstances. You really do not have NC right now. Not with them five houses down.
All that said, I would probably be divorcing and selling the home. But if I wanted to give R a chance I would move out. ASAP.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I would move. I don't think I would take the wife with me. She's the one making these choices to cheat, not some addiction that renders her not accountable. She chose to cheat. Oh. And she chose to cheat with a guy with an STD. Lovely.
Move, but leave her behind. Posted via Mobile Device
My wife has been told she has a "love addiction" because she has had more than one emotional affair during the course of our marriage and this seems to be a pattern with her.
You're using a bucket to bail a sinking ship. You're married to a self confessed serial cheater. A person who's had previous affairs and went a step further with this one to only exhibit sorrow for the loss of their cheating partner should be the final nail in the coffin.
Just asking--- how will this affect your son who is a junior in high school? Not saying you shouldn't move or anything, but what horrible timing for a kid to start his senior year in a brand new place.
Not a simple question about a junior in high school. Not only is his education and social life impacted but he is a young male who needs most of all to feel he has a strong father. That is most important. He knows intuitively that you are the model for him. So weigh that in.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
apparently, she hasn't learned a damn thing, considering she had previous ea's. now she "ups the ante," by engaging in physical relations with your neighbor.
now, you have to watch her like a hawk. i bet you don't have to watch over your own children like this.
you and the omw have opened a daycare center for your spouses.
The other man has HPV. Supposedly, since that was a known quantity, intercourse and oral sex were "out of bounds". We've been down the testing path, but HPV, being a slow developing virus could still catch up to us at some future point.
Yeah, right. I mean, she did prove that she can make rational and sensible decisions like having an affair while in a marriage. Why would she make a horrible decision like having sex with a guy with HPV and expose herself and her husband to STD's?.
I don't believe it for one bit. And don't people with HPV usually continue having sex with condoms unless they have an outbreak?(I am not sure about this)
Yeah, right. I mean, she did prove that she can make rational and sensible decisions like having an affair while in a marriage. Why would she make a horrible decision like having sex with a guy with HPV and expose herself and her husband to STD's?.
I don't believe it for one bit. And don't people with HPV usually continue having sex with condoms unless they have an outbreak?(I am not sure about this)
They are all ahead of me, I wan't even aware a man could be tested for HPV. Last I heard there wasn't a test LOL
8Likes
Re: Breaking up the neighborhood? 
