Okay,
My WW refuses to give up contact with the OM. The divorce process has been started but takes a long time here in VA. I have had my lawyer draft my separation agreement and she has had her lawyer draft hers. They are nowhere near each other and some mediation/negotiation is going to be required. That is beside the point. Right now there are no court orders in effect governing custody or property division. To help my WW overcome her alcohol and OM addiction(alcohol drives desire for OM, she has no desire for him when she is not drinking), I propose the following. I'm looking to see what others think to make sure I am not too far off base.
1. She does not get a car. I own both cars in my name only. I will take her to and from work.
2. No alcohol in the home since she cannot control her drinking.
3. She has 2 weeks to get off the fence and decide if she wants the marriage or OM. She has agreed to MC.
4. No going to bars alone or with girlfriends as she cannot control her desire to flirt when she's drunk.
5. She agrees to NC with OM. If I notice contact with OM on the cell phone or she guards it too closely, I take the SIM card from the phone, disabling it. My phone is available for inspection at all times.
6. We have each other's passwords to FB/email, etc.
Failuire of boundaries 2,4, or 5 results in filing of contested divorce to have her removed from the home or myself and the kids move out.
Failure of boundaries 3 or 6 will result in the continuation of the uncontested divorce. Failure of boundary 1 is not possible since the keys are locked up off site. Thoughts?
@strugglinghusband - No, I have not been to ALANON yet but we both have been to AA and she will not commit to going to meetings.
@almostrecovered - I agree no car due to alcohol abuse and OM is a side issue right now.
I do feel somewhat bad about denying her transportation but I feel it's for the best right now. She has two outstanding DV charges resulting from alcohol.
I wouldn't offer her rides to work, I wouldn't offer her MC. I wouldn't offer her anything for the fact the affair is STILL happening and she refuses to give up contact with him.
I wouldn't offer her rides to work, I wouldn't offer her MC. I wouldn't offer her anything for the fact the affair is STILL happening and she refuses to give up contact with him.
@strugglinghusband - No, I have not been to ALANON yet but we both have been to AA and she will not commit to going to meetings.
Al-Anon will help you deal with her, you cant save her, an addict will take everyone around them down, just like a drowing person, I say this because I was once one, Addicts it's always about us.
@almostrecovered - I agree no car due to alcohol abuse and OM is a side issue right now.
I do feel somewhat bad about denying her transportation but I feel it's for the best right now. She has two outstanding DV charges resulting from alcohol.
Both car's in your name, ok she goes out gets drunk, crashes kills someone, guess what you may be held accountable insurance wise, and the fact that you know she drinks and drives, how would you feel if that happened and did not do your best to prevent it?[/I]
The only thing I disagree with is the car thing. Just because they're in your name doesn't necessarily make them "yours alone". Unless they were bought by you fully before you married, they're communal property of the marriage. And she's an adult, capable of making her own decisions. And paying for her mistakes, if she makes them. After all, why should you be her chauffeur? Isn't that a pain in the ass for you?
@strugglinghusband - Thanks for the insight. I agree no car until in some form of treatment (AA and 30 days sober). I would obviously feel HORRIBLE if she killed herself or someone else in an accident when I knew she would be drinking and driving. No car.
@pbear - The cars were both purchased by me, with my money, after the marriage. Marital property does not mean I have to let her use it at her whim, it just means she can get it in a divorce if she chooses to pay the astronomical sum to file one and have me served. She is an adult but acting like a child. Again, no car until OM free and alcohol free. I cannot in good conscience give her a car to use for drink drining and adultery.
Why give her a ride to work---let her take public transportation------stop keeping her in fantasyland---give her TOTAL reality.---which includes her paying half of ALL bills, that have anything to do with the marital relationship
@pitofmystomach - Thank you for the read, good advice. No negotitation with her at all. I cannot legally throw her out, but I don't have to give her anything either. She can call OM for a ride to work!
@jnjexpress - I wish I could have her pay half of all bills but she makes minimum wage. We have 3 kids who need a roof over their head, clothes to wear and food to eat. I can go after her for child support though.
14Likes
I'm no longer enabling her affair 
