I should have listened to the advice given here! - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I should have listened to the advice given here!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree8Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-01-2012, 12:16 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
AngryandUsed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: In myself.
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

Most of the cheaters wont come clean in one go. Trickle truth should be expected.
Now since you are facing it, how do you deal with it is the question.
Now know that it is trickle truth. Your trust is gone, and she knows or will know shortly - your lack of trust.
If she genuinely wants to live with you, and you stay firm in knowing the truth, you will get more truths, but not full truth. That is the way cheaters are.
Trust takes long, very long to set in again.
AngryandUsed is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-01-2012, 01:06 PM   #17 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 8
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

I know looking back that I continually accepted what she told me as truth because I wasn't ready to face the total truth. When I agreed to counseling and trying to save our marriage in November, it was under the condition that she came completely clean on what happened. I held up to my part for the last four months working on our marriage, reading other parts of this forum, going to MC and opening up.

As of right this moment, I feel that this was our last chance. If she really wanted to save our marriage she would have been honest at some point. Up until now, she hasn't come forward and told me anything until I discovered it and confronted her.

The only reason I didn't do it last night is because I spoke to a good friend who advised me to sleep on it and be sure how I wanted to deal with it.

No matter how much I love her, I can't see being in a marriage where I have to track her every move. I deserve more and it sucks that she doesn't think so.
timeisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2012, 02:01 PM   #18 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,610
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

Quote:
Originally Posted by timeisup View Post
they never met due to distance, but had gotten pretty serious in their conversations about a relationship, having a baby and moving in together. She told me she had strong feelings for him at that time.
There is no way that over all those months that "they never met due to distance" when the OM is only 2 hours away and they are talking about having a baby and moving in together. The fact that you would give it enough validity to even repeat this to us tells me that you are still grasping at straws. DeNial is not just a river in Egypt.
TRy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2012, 02:19 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
str8insane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FORT BRAGG
Posts: 43
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

i am proof that a online affair can get deeper.my hubby met his ow online..with in a year of chatting he went out of town with work and flew her in for 4 days,he never showed no remorse nor signs he cheated.this was in 2007.i just found all this out plus more last year..he was the dream husband i thought.wow can the quiet ones prove us ladies wrong.
str8insane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2012, 04:24 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,870
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

You need to set a deadline and give her an ultimatum. Tell her you don't believe half of what she has told you, and that if she does not come 100% clean by such time on such day, you will seek out an attorney and begin divorce proceedings.

Your wife is stonewalling, and you need to wind back the catapult, load the boulder and let her know you'll have no problem letting it fly and knocking her off the parapet.

Stick to the deadline. E-mail her an Outlook invite with it on there. If she ignores it, file and have her served.

Don't put up with her crap.
bandit.45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2012, 04:37 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 358
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

You may want to download her FaceBook archive. If she's used that to communicate, all of it will still be there.
river rat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2012, 10:01 AM   #22 (permalink)
gpa
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens Greece
Posts: 96
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
You need to set a deadline and give her an ultimatum. Tell her you don't believe half of what she has told you, and that if she does not come 100% clean by such time on such day, you will seek out an attorney and begin divorce proceedings.

Your wife is stonewalling, and you need to wind back the catapult, load the boulder and let her know you'll have no problem letting it fly and knocking her off the parapet.

Stick to the deadline. E-mail her an Outlook invite with it on there. If she ignores it, file and have her served.

Don't put up with her crap.
gpa is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2012, 10:17 AM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,211
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

There seems to have been no consequences for her actions whatsoever. You have only been married 20 months. If the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Sorry but she continues to disrespect you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.
bryanp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2012, 11:53 AM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 9,050
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

What does she say? Is she saying she wants to stay married? If she does tell her what you found and the only way you will stay married to he is if she takes a polygraph test. Her reaction alone may tell you a lot.
Chaparral is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 10:09 AM   #25 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 8
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

I confronted her with the new information I found and explained why it was the last straw for me. She got very defensive and insisted they were just friends and it was never physical. I told her that at this point, what she says doesn't matter, because everything I know I found out on my own, and every time I dig deeper there is more. She never came clean about anything on her own.

I also told her at the very least she had kept a friend that I asked her to stop talking to on a few occasions over the last year and she promised she had. She lied to me, went behind my back, and went to great lengths to hide the relationship from me. Regardless of what else I don't know yet, that was too much already.

She insisted she has been trying the last few months and has had no contact, and she even said she would have a polygraph. She felt the past didn't matter, and there was no need to go into more details about her lies once we reconciled.

We are going to talk again tonight, but at this point, after 20 months of marriage, if this is what I have to look forward to, I feel like just giving up and moving on.

Thanks again for all of the feedback.
timeisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 02:24 PM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9,870
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

Print her out her own copies of whatever proof you have. Right now she's thinking up alibis.
Posted via Mobile Device
bandit.45 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 02:54 PM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 831
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

Of course they don't want to go into details! They always say, "the past is the past"---blahblahblah

No matter how much I love her, I can't see being in a marriage where I have to track her every move. I deserve more and it sucks that she doesn't think so.

Yeah, they get to skip along merrily while you just have this SINKING feeling. I am having that also. I believe its called not having any trust. And your're right, it sucks. Big time.

That being said, I know I will never get the whole truth from my H. Only you can know if you can move on and keep up the vigil. She is not going to give up any more to you.

And you can try to force the poly, I couldn't. Just by going to a poly appointment you are saying you have absolutely no trust in your spouse. Bleh.

I hope you take care of yourself and stand up for what you think is right. If you give it another chance, be vigilant. Trust but verify. Even then, they can be "transparent" and just get a new email that they don't tell you about. Only you can know if another chance is what you want to give.

And it will be a gift. I sure hope your SO appreciates it.
LostWifeCrushed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 03:01 PM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: SE USA
Posts: 1,631
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

OK - recap.

Was in an (at least Emotional) affair when you met. Confessed to strong feelings for OM during this time.

Married 20 months. She married you while still in the EA with the OM and kept it going after marriage.

Caught her texting with OM 6 months ago. Obviously still has unresolved feelings for OM.

So she has been in an on-going affair for at least 70% of your marriage.

She has refused to tell the whole truth despite your demands as a part of reconciliation. (She is hiding something - probably went to met with OM on occasion). But you already know this - or at least suspect it.

You say that honesty and trust is important to you? You should cut your loses and divorce. You will never trust her again (with good reason), you cannot believe her (lie after lie after lie proves this). I could not live like that - can you?

Why do you want to stay in this relationship?
TDSC60 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2012, 04:02 PM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 230
Default Re: I should have listened to the advice given here!

She's in the arts and you deal with the financials. Maybe it is time to say to her to get a job, or a place of her own until you can think through where you are going with all this because your marriage sucks and you are done with her trickle truth.

She's had it easy....so far.

She needs to know you mean business and that her actions have consequences.

Once she is out fending on her own, you might experience a different attitude from her.
Lazarus is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
DESPERATELY SEEKING ADVICE women's advice preferred men can also reply. askquest Financial Problems in Marriage 16 03-28-2013 05:11 PM
Wishing I had listened to my heart gradstudent The Ladies' Lounge 15 06-30-2012 09:23 AM
stbxw actually listened ThinkTooMuch General Relationship Discussion 3 01-22-2012 12:39 PM
I should've listened to you guys... melancholyman General Relationship Discussion 11 11-30-2009 03:08 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:06 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage