What's going on here? - Page 4
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » What's going on here?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree34Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-02-2012, 11:43 AM   #46 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,810
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
That was my first inclination.... and second.

During this rough patch, I asked her straight up "Be honest with me right now, and the other guy doesn't get his ass kicked, are you cheating on me?" She flipped out about how negative I was, and that people never deserve an ass kicking for anything that happens in a relationship. That, my friend, is when I knew she was protecting him.

What I do know is that we have been in a rut, and that she has said that she doesn't feel the spark anymore. I know that if we go to counseling it will help and get us back to normal (BTW she started a high stress job 8 months ago, and since then things have been going down hill)
BTW, I got caught up in an EA in my high stress job. You work very close with people. Long hours. The stress actually can bring two folks together. They start filling each others needs.

That is probably what you have here. Really she is in an affair and you cannot work on your relationship until she is out. This really is not a 50 / 50. The momentum is swinging to this guy. Her short time with him has trumped all your time.

What is cheating? Is that intercourse?

There is a continuum of behavior:

Inappropriate / risky -> Unfaithfulness -> Cheating

Those lines can blur, but for sure she is ready to date another man. Lets call that unfaithful. She for sure has an inappropriate relationship with another man now. She has no boundaries.

Are you guys actually living together? As a couple? It does not sound like you are a couple.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-02-2012 at 11:47 AM.
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-02-2012, 11:50 AM   #47 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,810
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
she's been 100% perfect for the 7 years we've been together, this is just such a strange turn of events.
Affairs are chemical. She will have to go through withdrawal from her OM. Oxytocin and Dopamine.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 11:54 AM   #48 (permalink)
Member
 
In_The_Wind's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,055
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TRy View Post
When she talks to the OM she tells him that you and her are "just friends". You are no longer a couple. I am sorry for your loss.

You asked in your thread title "Whats going on here?" The answer is that she has put your relationship on hold as she dates the OM. You cannot let her cake eat anymore as she develops the relationship with the OM. The longer that this goes on the weaker your position gets. You have only one card to play and you know it. You must tell her that she must commit to you and your relationship right now and cut off all non-work contact with the OM or you will move on in life without her. You must do this right now and must be willing to back this up with immediate action. She may not give you the answer that you want, but every day that this goes on the less likely that she will pick you. Time is not on your side. The longer that you wait the worse it gets. Also, when she sees you walking out the door, the reality of it may wake her up and get her to remember why she use to love you. I am not saying that it is your best chance at saving your relationship, I am saying that it is your only chance at saving your relationship, because what you are doing now is clearly not working.

If I was in this situation I would inform GF that I define a relationship/ marriage between 2 people not 3 and I would either leave or make her leave if she choses to continue her affair. let her get a good taste of being on her own or with beta boy and move on the grass is not always greenier and remember the majority of the time the cheating partner always affairs down.

Good Luck
In_The_Wind is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 11:56 AM   #49 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,810
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
She has shown you that threats of violence toward OM are not acceptable to her. I think she is the non-violent type (Christian). Any contact between you and OM will be seen as you threatening him. Not good.

As for telling her to choose you or OM - her OCD will cause her to feeling you are trying to control her - not good for you. He professes undying love while you try to force her into a decision.

The only thing left to do is to tell her that you love her but can not remain with her while knowing she has feeling for another man. Tell her you are choosing to set her free and that you will be leaving. No threats. No forced decisions. Nothing is required from her. No pressure for her to decide. You love her enough to set her free.

Then move out and wait for reality to hit her. Maybe she goes with him, maybe not. At least you will have an answer.
I almost agree here.

But do not wait for her. That is weak. Letting her have a fling with someone while you wait for her fill of an affair is a bad idea IMO. Move on but start dating others. Use the time to evaluate yourself. Become the person you want to be. You may have gotten too comfortable.

You have no children together. Go find someone who can stay faithful to you. Someone with boundaries and who is more compatible with you.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 11:58 AM   #50 (permalink)
Member
 
Pit-of-my-stomach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Hi! my name is ~Pit~.
Posts: 1,900
Default Re: What's going on here?

where's your fu*king outrage man !?!?

everything about this scenario is unacceptable.

as soon as you reach down and find your anger, indignation and disgust for everything that is happening thats when you will have your options back...

You may be surprised that when the tables turn back around and she pursues reconciliation... you may realize you don't want it anymore.
__________________
Don't say never
Pit-of-my-stomach is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 12:01 PM   #51 (permalink)
Member
 
happyman64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 6,608
Default Re: What's going on here?

Clever,

She has not moved ahead in 2 months. She is not intimate and does not want to be. Your date was platonic.

I think she has made a decision. Time to move on.

Take your time doing it. Maybe she will realize what she is losing.

But I truly do not think you are losing much. If she does not feel the same way anymore about you after 7 years then be glad you are not married.

You are Alpha. You deserve better. Go get it my man and benver look back.

She really has not been honest with you. And you need honesty and trust as the foundations in any relationship.

Good Luck.

HM64
happyman64 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 12:01 PM   #52 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,810
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach View Post
where's your fu*king outrage man !?!?

everything about this scenario is unacceptable.

as soon as you reach down and find your anger, indignation and disgust for everything that is happening thats when you will have your options back...

You may be surprised that when the tables turn back around and she pursues reconciliation... you may realize you don't want it anymore.
While it is good to have a balance of Alpha and Beta you are still being very Beta about all of this.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 12:05 PM   #53 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,133
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
mind you, the OM doesn't seem very Christian with his advances towards a woman in a long term relationship.....
Maybe you should talk to him. Ask him what the phrase "fear of God" means. Then stand up and ask him if he is afraid of anything else.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 09:22 PM   #54 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Default Re: What's going on here?

to the people saying that I should harness the alpha and go with it; I am fighting the hardest fight I have ever had to endure. Everything in my being says to stomp this guy into the ground and then abuse my relationship with local law enforcement and walk scott free. But she has stated several times that she finds me to be slightly scary due to the stories she's heard of me when I was a cop (I had a reputation that if people put up a fight, they ended up in the hospital). I'm actually very gentle with her and never even raise my voice, but she even finds it scary when I'm calm in a heated situation, so it's not conducive to going forward, to lay down the law with the OM.

I talked to her this morning and told her that I knew everything, and that I know everyone's position in this situation. She was feeling that I'm very hard and not soft enough emotionally and she felt as though she couldn't talk to me. She found that this beta was safe and provided her with the attention and emotional support that she didn't think she could get from me. She was amazed at how insightful I was and surprised that I could be level headed in the situation. i told her to stop being friends with the OM, and since they work together, she and I need to talk to him and set him straight.
clevernickname is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 09:31 PM   #55 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,810
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
to the people saying that I should harness the alpha and go with it; I am fighting the hardest fight I have ever had to endure. Everything in my being says to stomp this guy into the ground and then abuse my relationship with local law enforcement and walk scott free. But she has stated several times that she finds me to be slightly scary due to the stories she's heard of me when I was a cop (I had a reputation that if people put up a fight, they ended up in the hospital). I'm actually very gentle with her and never even raise my voice, but she even finds it scary when I'm calm in a heated situation, so it's not conducive to going forward, to lay down the law with the OM.

I talked to her this morning and told her that I knew everything, and that I know everyone's position in this situation. She was feeling that I'm very hard and not soft enough emotionally and she felt as though she couldn't talk to me. She found that this beta was safe and provided her with the attention and emotional support that she didn't think she could get from me. She was amazed at how insightful I was and surprised that I could be level headed in the situation. i told her to stop being friends with the OM, and since they work together, she and I need to talk to him and set him straight.
I was in a work EA. I quit that job.

When I say Alpha I do not mean to beat anyone up. I am talking about being firm with the boundaries. If she is allin in the relationship she would change her job.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-03-2012 at 01:43 PM.
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 09:36 PM   #56 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 13
Default Re: What's going on here?

the job was kind of a one in a million job, she hates it, but until something else pops up, she's stuck... Also, with setting boundaries, she complains that I'm too controlling. So I figured it would be better to point out that they were both being incredibly inappropriate and we made the decision together that she shouldn't be friends with the OM, rather than setting a "rule" that she may rebel against.
clevernickname is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 09:39 PM   #57 (permalink)
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 9,287
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
I was in a work EA. I quite that job.

When I say Alpha I do not mean to beat anyone up. I am talking about being firm with the boundaries. If she is allin in the relationship she would change her job.
Well, there is alpha and then there is alpha.
Chaparral is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-02-2012, 09:48 PM   #58 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,810
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
the job was kind of a one in a million job, she hates it, but until something else pops up, she's stuck... Also, with setting boundaries, she complains that I'm too controlling. So I figured it would be better to point out that they were both being incredibly inappropriate and we made the decision together that she shouldn't be friends with the OM, rather than setting a "rule" that she may rebel against.
This is what I am talking about.

A confident man with appropriate boundaries will not care if he is called jealous, insecure or controlling. I do think you are trying to do the right and throttling back on the Alpha. I get that. It is walking a line. A balance. Not easy when things are so important.

He thinks that he is better than one in a million. So I am hearing that you are second to this guy at work and less of a priority than her job.

I walked away from a 135K job back in 1997. I was the top technical person in my high tech company. Not bragging here. I am saying that once I realized my marriage was in jeopardy, I did what was needed. It was more important than a job. You have many jobs in a lifetime. How many times does one get married? I have now been married 35 years.

I was the idiot. I allowed it to happen. My wife loved me enough to get my attention. It was on me to make it right. Just like I think it is on her to do the right thing. You are being more than fair and understanding with her.

Both of you need to do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting.
I am hearing a lot of excuses and knocks about you. I think part of the problem is that the concepts are not well understood. Boundary setting is where you discuss, define and implement agreed upon boundaries. Your boundary is about you. What you are willing to accept. It is not you controlling her. It is you being frim what you will accept. This is fundamental stuff but not commonly understood. Unfortunately for many of us we learn the hard way and then do His Needs Her Needs.

She sounds like she is trying to manipulate you into being ok with her being a cake eater.

But back off here a minute. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not seem to be allin? I wish you well. I am hoping you can reach her and cut this other dude out.

Remember that an EA is chemical. If she does not go NC, the chemicals are still working. She will need to go through withdrawal. She is in a fog.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-03-2012 at 01:48 PM.
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-03-2012, 12:48 AM   #59 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,091
Default Re: What's going on here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
the job was kind of a one in a million job, she hates it, but until something else pops up, she's stuck... Also, with setting boundaries, she complains that I'm too controlling. So I figured it would be better to point out that they were both being incredibly inappropriate and we made the decision together that she shouldn't be friends with the OM, rather than setting a "rule" that she may rebel against.
Controlling is what cheaters say when they mean "you're not letting me have my affair relationship. I want to be with them, not you, why aren't you letting me have my fun."

At this point it's not about being alpha. It's entirely about you have enough self respect to enforce your boundary that you are the only man in her life emotionally/romantically and that she makes your relationship the priority.

she's not. she's choosing a man whom she can control and manipulate and who puppy dogs for her.

btw - that's what little school girls want in a BF - not what a real woman wants in her partner. So it sounds like she still hasn't grown from a girl into a woman emotionally.
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-03-2012, 05:45 AM   #60 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,279
Default Re: What's going on here?

In my opinion too much is made of the alpha and beta stuff on this forum. It is a useful model, but humans are more complicated than all that.

There is nothing that screams 'loser' louder than someone try to force themselves to be something they just aren't. In my opinion you should just be true to yourself and respect yourself. That is what being a man is all about.
johnnycomelately is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:57 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.