Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post
the job was kind of a one in a million job, she hates it, but until something else pops up, she's stuck... Also, with setting boundaries, she complains that I'm too controlling. So I figured it would be better to point out that they were both being incredibly inappropriate and we made the decision together that she shouldn't be friends with the OM, rather than setting a "rule" that she may rebel against.
This is what I am talking about.
A confident man with appropriate boundaries will not care if he is called jealous, insecure or controlling. I do think you are trying to do the right and throttling back on the Alpha. I get that. It is walking a line. A balance. Not easy when things are so important.
He thinks that he is better than one in a million. So I am hearing that you are second to this guy at work and less of a priority than her job.
I walked away from a 135K job back in 1997. I was the top technical person in my high tech company. Not bragging here. I am saying that once I realized my marriage was in jeopardy, I did what was needed. It was more important than a job. You have many jobs in a lifetime. How many times does one get married? I have now been married 35 years.
I was the idiot. I allowed it to happen. My wife loved me enough to get my attention. It was on me to make it right. Just like I think it is on her to do the right thing. You are being more than fair and understanding with her.
Both of you need to do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting.
I am hearing a lot of excuses and knocks about you. I think part of the problem is that the concepts are not well understood. Boundary setting is where you discuss, define and implement agreed upon boundaries. Your boundary is about you. What you are willing to accept. It is not you controlling her. It is you being frim what you will accept. This is fundamental stuff but not commonly understood. Unfortunately for many of us we learn the hard way and then do His Needs Her Needs.
She sounds like she is trying to manipulate you into being ok with her being a cake eater.
But back off here a minute. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not seem to be allin? I wish you well. I am hoping you can reach her and cut this other dude out.
Remember that an EA is chemical. If she does not go NC, the chemicals are still working. She will need to go through withdrawal. She is in a fog.