Originally Posted by clevernickname
I talked to her this morning and told her that I knew everything, and that I know everyone's position in this situation.
She was feeling that I'm very hard and not soft enough emotionally and she felt as though she couldn't talk to me. And she never communicated this to you before, why? Instead of having an honest discussion that she felt that way, she hid that information and decided to start turning to someone else. Oh, and she hid that from you too. As former cops you and I both know that her guilty, or as we call it, "furtive" behavior regarding her phone says it all. She knew what she was doing was not right. That is not the sign of someone you can trust. Sounds to me like she has started living a lie around you. There's great relationship material.
She found that this beta was safe and provided her with the attention and emotional support that she didn't think she could get from me. So after 7 years, you NEVER paid any attention to her? You NEVER gave her emotional support when she had a bad day? I find that hard to believe. Again, lets beat the dead horse. Even if that were the case, rather than talk with you about her needs or suggest couples counseling, she decided to turn to another man. While hiding it from you. Insert my previous reply here.
She was amazed at how insightful I was and surprised that I could be level headed in the situation. She either doesn't think too much of you, or perhaps is rewriting your relationship's history. After being with you for 7 years, she didn't know you could be insightful? She was surprised you would be level headed? We already know that you remain calm under stressful situations, and she says that scares her. By the way, why would that scare her?
i told her to stop being friends with the OM, and since they work together, she and I need to talk to him and set him straight. And what was her reply? Did she agree to this? Was she remorseful?
How are you going to know if she just stops texting and continues to hang out with the OM at work? Before the texts were going on, she obviously was talking to him, most likely at work. That is how this whole mess started.
Did you actually find a month's worth of 40-50 texts a day stored on her phone? If you did, how do you know if there weren't more that were deleted? How do you know the texting wasn't going on before the ones that were stored on the phone? How long has she been letting this guy poach on your jurisdiction without telling him to knock it off?
What was being said between the two of them face to face everyday rather than by text?
In your response to my first post, you said that she was 100% perfect until this strange turn of events. I would say that as far as you knew, she was 100% perfect until she started allowing herself to be chased by another man and apparently did NOTHING to shut him down.
Read posts on here, and you will read lots of stories about guys who had great wives until the wife decided to start engaging in an EA or PA. You basically have a common-law wife, who has done the same thing. Thank God she has shown her true colors before you actually got married.
I have had women try to chase me while I have been in a committed relationship. It wasn't a hard thing to stop. I told them they needed to stop, and stopped spending any more time with them than necessary, while being polite but reserved towards them when contact with them couldn't be avoided. Was she incapable of doing this? I'll answer it for you. Of course not. She was perfectly capable of doing that. She chose to let BetaBoy keep chasing her.
After turning down your proposal, and while keeping you in the friend zone. WTF?
If she didn't stop BetaBoy's advances, she obviously liked it. Oh, and she hid it from you, too. While keeping you in the friend zone. That's not what I would want from my romantic partner. Not a good sign of things to come.
I'm not one of those people who always suggest dumping the romantic partner when problems come along-quite the opposite. I am pro relationship saving when possible and when it makes sense. In your case, you are dealing with a partner who shows that she has a serious integrity issue. She may not have had it before during your previous 7 years, but that was then, this is now. People change, and sometimes not for the better.
Unfortunately, from what you have said in this thread, it sounds like getting out and finding someone who will show you the common respect a long-term relationship partner SHOULD show you probably is the best thing to do in your case.
I'm calling it like I see it here. For what it is worth, it sure sounds like you have gotten handed a raw deal. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Set her free and let her chase her BetaBoy while you find someone to be with who you can actually trust, and be d@mned glad you aren't actually married. My .02 and worth what you paid for it.