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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-03-2012, 05:05 AM   #61 (permalink)
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There is nothing that screams 'loser' louder than someone try to force themselves to be something they just aren't. In my opinion you should just be true to yourself and respect yourself. That is what being a man is all about.


I agree totally. You should not change who you are just to fit your girlfriend's mold of what she thinks a perfect man is. Don't give up your alpha mentality, you took too many years to develope it!

If she can't be true to you, end the relationship and find a woman who will be honest and forthright with you. This woman is just a sneak...plain and simple, and blaming you for all the problems in the relationship to boot.
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Old 03-03-2012, 07:14 AM   #62 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by clevernickname View Post

I talked to her this morning and told her that I knew everything, and that I know everyone's position in this situation.

She was feeling that I'm very hard and not soft enough emotionally and she felt as though she couldn't talk to me.

And she never communicated this to you before, why? Instead of having an honest discussion that she felt that way, she hid that information and decided to start turning to someone else. Oh, and she hid that from you too. As former cops you and I both know that her guilty, or as we call it, "furtive" behavior regarding her phone says it all. She knew what she was doing was not right. That is not the sign of someone you can trust. Sounds to me like she has started living a lie around you. There's great relationship material.

She found that this beta was safe and provided her with the attention and emotional support that she didn't think she could get from me.

So after 7 years, you NEVER paid any attention to her? You NEVER gave her emotional support when she had a bad day? I find that hard to believe. Again, lets beat the dead horse. Even if that were the case, rather than talk with you about her needs or suggest couples counseling, she decided to turn to another man. While hiding it from you. Insert my previous reply here.

She was amazed at how insightful I was and surprised that I could be level headed in the situation.

She either doesn't think too much of you, or perhaps is rewriting your relationship's history. After being with you for 7 years, she didn't know you could be insightful? She was surprised you would be level headed? We already know that you remain calm under stressful situations, and she says that scares her. By the way, why would that scare her?

i told her to stop being friends with the OM, and since they work together, she and I need to talk to him and set him straight.

And what was her reply? Did she agree to this? Was she remorseful?

How are you going to know if she just stops texting and continues to hang out with the OM at work? Before the texts were going on, she obviously was talking to him, most likely at work. That is how this whole mess started.

Did you actually find a month's worth of 40-50 texts a day stored on her phone? If you did, how do you know if there weren't more that were deleted? How do you know the texting wasn't going on before the ones that were stored on the phone? How long has she been letting this guy poach on your jurisdiction without telling him to knock it off?

What was being said between the two of them face to face everyday rather than by text?
In your response to my first post, you said that she was 100% perfect until this strange turn of events. I would say that as far as you knew, she was 100% perfect until she started allowing herself to be chased by another man and apparently did NOTHING to shut him down.

Read posts on here, and you will read lots of stories about guys who had great wives until the wife decided to start engaging in an EA or PA. You basically have a common-law wife, who has done the same thing. Thank God she has shown her true colors before you actually got married.

I have had women try to chase me while I have been in a committed relationship. It wasn't a hard thing to stop. I told them they needed to stop, and stopped spending any more time with them than necessary, while being polite but reserved towards them when contact with them couldn't be avoided. Was she incapable of doing this? I'll answer it for you. Of course not. She was perfectly capable of doing that. She chose to let BetaBoy keep chasing her.

After turning down your proposal, and while keeping you in the friend zone. WTF?

If she didn't stop BetaBoy's advances, she obviously liked it. Oh, and she hid it from you, too. While keeping you in the friend zone. That's not what I would want from my romantic partner. Not a good sign of things to come.

I'm not one of those people who always suggest dumping the romantic partner when problems come along-quite the opposite. I am pro relationship saving when possible and when it makes sense. In your case, you are dealing with a partner who shows that she has a serious integrity issue. She may not have had it before during your previous 7 years, but that was then, this is now. People change, and sometimes not for the better.

Unfortunately, from what you have said in this thread, it sounds like getting out and finding someone who will show you the common respect a long-term relationship partner SHOULD show you probably is the best thing to do in your case.

I'm calling it like I see it here. For what it is worth, it sure sounds like you have gotten handed a raw deal. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

Set her free and let her chase her BetaBoy while you find someone to be with who you can actually trust, and be d@mned glad you aren't actually married. My .02 and worth what you paid for it.

Last edited by Posse; 03-03-2012 at 09:02 AM. Reason: grammar error
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Old 03-03-2012, 12:52 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: What's going on here?

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In my opinion too much is made of the alpha and beta stuff on this forum. It is a useful model, but humans are more complicated than all that.

There is nothing that screams 'loser' louder than someone try to force themselves to be something they just aren't. In my opinion you should just be true to yourself and respect yourself. That is what being a man is all about.
Yes. That is what an Alpha does. LOL.

Seriously though this is indeed what it is about. Too often the guys who are acting "too Beta" are not being themselves. They are trying to do the right thing. So they are overly influenced to not be controlling and so on. Most of us are saying, be yourself. have respect for yourself and do not allow others to force you to be that too Beta guy. It is a balance. Mostly it is about having self respect. No one will respect you if you do not respect yourself.

In addition when communicating with a WS one has to remember there is fog and the history rewriting. So no doubt things were not 100% with her. BUT, be aware they might have been. You can be in avery solid relationship and your spouse can fall into an EA without meaning to. This usually is related to poor boundaries. Then the disatisfaction starts. The OM feeds that. The WS needs start getting met. They stop meeting the needs of the BS. The BS reacts to this in subtles ways that only push the WS further away and so on. The 50 / 50 split is not a stable state. Once the momentum swings towars the OM it is tough to reverse without some drama. Essentially you have to break the affair, have the WS go through withdrawal and then work on the relationship in earnest. Otherwise you get the fog and the history rewriting.

Again see His Needs Her Needs. This is less about Alpha / Beta and focuses on meeting emotional needs.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 03-03-2012 at 01:07 PM.
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Old 03-03-2012, 09:57 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Her reaction to your proposal should have been great joy. Nothing less is acceptable. If she doesn't have that excitement NOW about being married to you...when the brand new sparkly ring is gleaming anew on her finger...getting to tell all her friends about the engagement and plan a wedding (things most of us ladies LOVE to do)...it's not going to get anymore positive from here.

I would take her answer - to carry on with this man over texts, listen about how he loves her and wants her and withhold all affection from you - as a BIG FAT NO.

I know you have years into this relationship. Perhaps waiting 7 years to propose was unwise, but I suppose that's neither here nor there at this point.

Her answer was a resounding NO though. She didn't have the guts to say no. She took the cowards way and SHOWED you no.

I'm sorry
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