Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me
Stories of my death have been greatly exaggerated...
Thanks Chap for the bump and the reminder to come back here and give back in a sense. Its been a long, but fruitful several months since my last post. While I may still dwell in dark places from time to time, mainly still asking myself why / how, they are far less frequent and my life has started to turn around.
Thanks to the kick in the balls from the material and help from you all here, as well as about a half dozen books on surviving infidelity, I finally picked myself up and dusted myself off and had revelation after revelation about what is most important in my life.
I filed for divorce and it was made official in September 2012. We did a collaborative after mediation and i ended up buying her out of our marital residence. 50/50 joint custody of the kids, and a settlement that made things manageable for me to support myself and my wonderful children. I will freely admit that my greatest trepidation in all of this was the well being of my children and feeling like shattering their illusion of family and of unity. But God has a curious way and over these last many months Ive learned to embrace my opportunity to be an even BETTER father than I was capable of; free from the lies, the stomach-churning months of anguish living with someone who didnt respect me, lied to my face and ultimately showed no accountability in tearing my family. Freed from feelings of inadequacy, and finally able to be that SINGLE PARENT that I truly had been all these past years in our less than ideal marriage.
I will always harbor resentment, at least after a year thats how I still feel. I will always be pained by the brutal truth and I will always feel the lip-biting angst when I take the high road around her for the benefit of my children. I have so much love in my heart for my kids, I try to find ways and ask God regularly for the faith strength and ability to forgive, one day. But that is very hard and i struggle with it constantly
My ex is out on her own. Shes had a string of 'significant others' since her father put her up in an apartment. I battled regularly with her to keep her disgusting partners away from my kids prior to our official D. But that too was a battle I had to resign myself to. I gave up driving by her apt to see which man she was with, gave up on catching her in lies, and stopped driving down her street altogether. I credit a very dear friend for being there for me every step of the way, and keeping me focused. I began working out daily 2 months after our separation. I began eating and treating myself well. I began to focus on being around for my kids, and being around for the second half of my LIFE and making it the best part yet.
When I am without my kids, in this big house, I sometimes cry uncontrollably. Its difficult, really difficult, even a year later to come to terms with this new life I am in. To watch someone (ex) who is so consumed with herself and so very unfettered with being a mother, and finding that I am the complete opposite....it brings home a lot of realizations and forces me to face truths about the fact that what I had wasnt a marriage. It wasnt a lost cause, but there werent two people trying to fix it.
At the end of the day, she is happy. Shes out of the apt and into her own place that her father helped her buy. Its great for the kids in a great neighborhood, and its close. I see my kids 3-4 days a week and we have an agreeable schedule for custody. I work all the time at making sure the kids are understanding of the situation, and I am there for them if they ever get sad or wonder why things are the way they are. She still does tons of sh*t to piss me off, but its mainly the selfish cr*p that makes me the most ticked off - trips with her BF du jour, skydiving, and all kinds of bucket list things that reek and scream midlife crisis. But it is what it is. I want to be healthy and happy so I focus elsewhere.
I met a woman a few months into my separation and she and I shared a lot of great times. We were in similar situations and we helped each other out quite a bit emotionally. I chose to never bring her around my children. Something I wish she would have chosen to do with her 4-5 studs shes been with the last year.
im just not ready. i need more work on me. but I will get there. in some strange way, the fact that i stand on a higher moral ground is a mild comfort, but its never really ever enough. but my faith is something that ive come back to. its something ive prayed for and am working at, i hope i get there. I really think that forgiveness would free me of so much of what i keep inside me. i just dont know how or when I ever will.
Nothing ever became of OM. OW, as expected, buried head in sand and they live a happy life I guess. Ive seen them around town a few times and thats where my faith really is tested, but again - im taking a high road if its there to take. I know now the extent of my ex's infidelity. It was divulged by her father to me, over time. He told me she was in love with another man "years ago" (read: during our marriage, but years ago) but she let him go after much emotional struggle. Finding this out hurt deeply, of course. I was gutted. But over time it made the most recent transgressions somehow easier to swallow - in that it solidified that I was a fool, and not meant to be married to someone that didnt respect me. Was she a serial cheater? I dont know. Back then, I dont even remember us having issues. But maybe she would say that in and of itself shows how clueless I was. I just hate the fact that I trusted her and she violated it, shredded it, and didnt even cry a single tear. I dont even think i know her or knew her. But when I see her now (and its funny, I read a thread online entitled "when you see your ex, is it me or do you feel like who the F is this person?") - I really feel like she is an alien. But that might just be all the collagen, botox and new ink.
Really not my style anyway.
Cheers everyone and thanks (felt good coming back here)