Wife of 11 years cheated on me - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:13 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Hey matrix....

permission to speak freely.....

All of these people are selfish egomaniacs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your wife and her AP do not get to decide what to do about telling their spouses, acting-or not acting on their feelings for each other. They do not get to carry on an EA or a PA where they get to meet all sorts of needs outside of their marriages---and then decide, "naw, let's not tell anyone, let's just be friends and think we are noble people by not destroying our families."

You just found out that they decided not to have an affair so as to "save" their families??!! WTF?? By acting this way, by even having this conversation, they are betraying their families----they are proving they are in a full blown EA, maybe even a PA. Sheeeesh.

Sorry, but you need to put your foot down. Don't put up with this pooh for another minute.

And tell the OMW. You have no obligation to protect the OM. And the best bet you have of ending it----is to let the OMW loose on the OM. She has every right to know.

Good luck and take care. You deserve better.

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post #17 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

sickening as it is to read all this, im trying to come to grips. overwhelmingly most people who have been here seem to think telling the OMW is the right thing to do. the truth is i wanted to do this months ago but feared for my safety and my kids. this guy is a bit of a loose cannon and has a gun and a zillion and one 'contacts' and has bragged openly about being able to get anything done 'as long as you know who to speak to'.. no idea as how to even get in touch with her, he seems to have her phone and often emailed from his wife's email account (regarding playdates for kids, etc) so i have to now find out how i start this 180 by telling the OMW. BTW, whats an 'AP'??
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post #18 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:23 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

And another thing, she should be completely concerned about her marriage and your feelings at this point if you want to reconcile. The other man and his marriage should bear no significance to her. His wife needs to know that he's telling another woman, YOUR woman that "she's the love of his life"
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post #19 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:25 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by matrixD View Post
sickening as it is to read all this, im trying to come to grips. overwhelmingly most people who have been here seem to think telling the OMW is the right thing to do. the truth is i wanted to do this months ago but feared for my safety and my kids. this guy is a bit of a loose cannon and has a gun and a zillion and one 'contacts' and has bragged openly about being able to get anything done 'as long as you know who to speak to'.. no idea as how to even get in touch with her, he seems to have her phone and often emailed from his wife's email account (regarding playdates for kids, etc) so i have to now find out how i start this 180 by telling the OMW. BTW, whats an 'AP'??
AP= Affair partner.


You sense the slightest suspicion that this man is threatening you, report him to the police immediatley.
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post #20 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:25 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

read the newbie link in my signature for abbreviations and terms

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post #21 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:26 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

I am not, to my knowledge, in an unfaithful relationship. I agree that exposure to the OM's wife is necessary. Picture if someone told you three months (or however long ago it started). You'd be in the same place you are now, with three months more of life to live. Do not do it for selfish or retribution reasons. Only because it is the right thing.

You cannot force your wife to love you, not trying to is the only way to get her back. Now that she is not in the house, she is likely in the clouds with her OM. It's likely turned physical. There is little you can do while she is in the fog. Oh - she's likely compiled a long list of things that are wrong with your relationship - do not buy this BS. They are manufactured to justify (to herself and the other people she'll eventually have to tell) her behavior. If there were these problems, it is so coincidental how they just surfaced at the same time as her affair.

The other thing is that she may start bad talking you to others, her family and friends, to make herself feel and look better - she looks terrible as a cheater, not as bad if you were a crap husband.
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post #22 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

thanks everyone. i may not express it right now, but this is helping me a great deal
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post #23 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:33 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Oh, there is nothing less manly than someone who tries to get respect by being threatening - implicitly or explicitly. Guns are for sport and protection. If it is a serious threat, consider your circumstances. Tell your wife, she can f*** whomever she wants, but do not dare bring this type of character into your life or her children's lives.
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post #24 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:35 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

I don't care how "connected" this guy is. It would be stupid of him to try anything because it would only implicate himself. And no woman is worth spending your life in prison over. Plus, if he's connected and these connected people do a "favor" for him, well...they don't do favors for free. They'll want a favor in return and connected people aren't the type of people you want to be oweing favors to.

Plus, the scarier person in that relationship is probably the OMW. She has the power to make his life hell, and he would be the only one to be blamed for it.
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post #25 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:39 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

I think dxposure is very important. It stops the excitement of secrecy, WW is in a fog and will say anything to keep it going. It's up to you if you want to follow up on the suggestions provided.

When I found out my WW as having an EA, I felt destoyed, didn't know what to do, how to handle it, a total wimp. I had to put on my big boy pant and handle my situation head on.

Don't negotiate. Be stong.

Good Luck....

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post #26 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 03:13 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

the om's nothing but a wanna be bragger.people who
'know" how to get things getting care of sure don't go running around bragging about it.just tring to keep people scared.
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post #27 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 05:13 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

The kids are with you? Get a paternity test done on both of them, asap. It's better to know NOW that you are their father than to find out much lather that you AREN'T. (experience talking)
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post #28 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 05:32 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Spend a few hundred bucks and hire a P.I. to find his wife if you have to. It'll be worth the money.
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post #29 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 05:44 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

By the way it is very typical of the cheater to ask for a temporary separation. This is a code that allows the cheater to cheat without any interference from your part. It is all part of the playbook.

It really does not seem that you are in much of a marriage. I would strongly suggest that your contact an attorney to understand your options. She has stated clearly that she is in love with another man. Would you want your children to grow up and remain in such a marriage?
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post #30 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 07:15 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by matrixD View Post
How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?
You know, they didn't give a damn about their 2 families and thought this would be worth the risk. So now she "wants to spend time apart." That's the signal she wants to spend time with him. I say blow it up in their faces. Let the world see how upstanding, fair and generous they are. Your wifer could have backed out at anytime but she chose dishonoring you and herself.

I am going through the same thing you are, without kids, but I'll ya what kicking her out of the house made her think twice. I was on a date over the weekend that I posted on facebook. She is in agonzing hell I am told her her brother and mother. She cries all the time regretting what she did. She swears there was nothing physical but I am holding to the fact that she was romantically intimate with this guy we both knew from wow. Oh BTW everyone, he's supposedly now and ordained minister. LOL
So much for the 10 Commandments.

My point is this, if your too nice to emotionally damage her, don't be. Snarl, bark, bear your teeth and tell this jerk wad to back off or risk permanent damage to his life as well. Show your power and she will either harken to it or fade away into the lonely abyssal coffin she, not you, she has fashioned for herself.
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