Wife of 11 years cheated on me - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 09:30 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Sounds good but whether you realize it or not, you have entered a special hell we call limbo. The fastest way to get out of limbo is to use the nuclear option and file for divorce. If you are afraid that this will blow up your marriage then you need to wake up to the fact that your marriage ended the moment your wife declared her love for the OM and chose to leave you and the kids. Filing for divorce will do one of two things:

1. It will throw a bucket of cold water in your wife's face that she is about to loose her husband and family over a man who is willing to betray his wife. If she still has any feelings for you and the kids, this action can't help but to make her think about what she is throwing away and just make her come to the realization that the affair is not worth it and end it with the OM.

2. It will solidify her conviction that the marriage is beyond repair and that it is best to move on separately

Either way, you will know where she is stands which in turn will help you make decisions based on reality and not simply wishful thinking.


'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #47 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 09:31 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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read the newbie link in my signature for abbreviations and terms
I'm beginning to think NO ONE reads the links in our signatures, you pretty much have to hit them over the head with it.
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post #48 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 09:32 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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By the way it is very typical of the cheater to ask for a temporary separation. This is a code that allows the cheater to cheat without any interference from your part. It is all part of the playbook.
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post #49 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 09:42 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Would the GPS need battery recharges?
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post #50 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

SprucHub & others - thanks for brutal honesty. And people here, thanks for bearing with me as i come to terms with something that up until a few days ago, I was denying. I am new but suddenly immersed in a world of things I have only recently come to realize are actually patterns for infidelity. It is absolutely sickening to read this and feel as if I am reading a script of my life in a matter of a few short days. My D-Day was actually Feb 21. I spent the first week feeling miserable for myself and lost in a pit of anger deeper than I could get out of. I fought to get up every day since for my beautiful daughter and son. You think you know someone. Its a realization unlike any other I have ever had in my life. We were supposed to go on an Easter week vacation as a family to Disneyworld, neither of my kids have ever been. Thinking about that now I want to vomit. I finally grew a set of balls yesterday after reading about the patterns of infidelity, and some posts that were stickied on here about the actual stages of behavior the cheating spouse goes through. And it was like reading the book on my wife. Shes off deflecting blame, saying that the speration is for her to get some space while we work on our marital issues. We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family. That realization has been like pulling my head out from underwater, or out of my @ss - so when she called last night to ask me how I was, I asked her if she had anything to say to me because I was busy getting the kids meals cooked. No, she just wanted to see how I was doing. F-U! Im doing fine I said, and I reminded her of her decision to have her affair and asked that she call only if its for logistics with the kids, or if she has anything to share about what she is willing to do to come clean.

In the meantime, and again, please bear with me, as Im trying to hold down my job as I read and do all of this.....I have started working on a plan to get to the OMW. They live in a large house in a gated community but I am working on figuring out which school she drops her kids off at in the morning so I can have a chance to confront her after the kids are gone and hes not around.

The GPS locator is a 6-month charged device and I will use it in the interim to keep her honest in her new apt that her Dad is no doubt currently furnishing.

thats it for now
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post #51 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 11:38 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Don't react in anger. React with indifference. Anger will destroy any chance of R.
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post #52 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 11:45 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by matrixD View Post
SprucHub & others - thanks for brutal honesty. And people here, thanks for bearing with me as i come to terms with something that up until a few days ago, I was denying. I am new but suddenly immersed in a world of things I have only recently come to realize are actually patterns for infidelity. It is absolutely sickening to read this and feel as if I am reading a script of my life in a matter of a few short days. My D-Day was actually Feb 21. I spent the first week feeling miserable for myself and lost in a pit of anger deeper than I could get out of. I fought to get up every day since for my beautiful daughter and son. You think you know someone. Its a realization unlike any other I have ever had in my life. We were supposed to go on an Easter week vacation as a family to Disneyworld, neither of my kids have ever been. Thinking about that now I want to vomit. I finally grew a set of balls yesterday after reading about the patterns of infidelity, and some posts that were stickied on here about the actual stages of behavior the cheating spouse goes through. And it was like reading the book on my wife. Shes off deflecting blame, saying that the speration is for her to get some space while we work on our marital issues. We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family. That realization has been like pulling my head out from underwater, or out of my @ss - so when she called last night to ask me how I was, I asked her if she had anything to say to me because I was busy getting the kids meals cooked. No, she just wanted to see how I was doing. F-U! Im doing fine I said, and I reminded her of her decision to have her affair and asked that she call only if its for logistics with the kids, or if she has anything to share about what she is willing to do to come clean.

In the meantime, and again, please bear with me, as Im trying to hold down my job as I read and do all of this.....I have started working on a plan to get to the OMW. They live in a large house in a gated community but I am working on figuring out which school she drops her kids off at in the morning so I can have a chance to confront her after the kids are gone and hes not around.

The GPS locator is a 6-month charged device and I will use it in the interim to keep her honest in her new apt that her Dad is no doubt currently furnishing.

thats it for now
Wow...how earily similar to my current dilemna. W had a mild (beginning stage) EA Sept - October...confronted first week of November. We've been MC, and "working" on M since. She's had rumblings of separation....ALSO putting our Disney trip in jeopardy, as I will not pay that kind of money, if we are facing D (or even separation...trying to afford two households) this year. We've got another week, or so, before we resume our conversation on what "space" means to her....and she may decide to move out. There is no confirmed EA she is involved in, right now...as far as I can find. But then....her actions are ALSO straight out of the cheaters handbook. Could also be depression....who knows.

I don't have any advice, but to say....at LEAST you KNOW the source of your wife's antics. Stay strong....do the right thing for you and the kids. See a lawyer...and start figuring out life without her. It will either rock her world, that you are figuring out life without her.....or....she will move on with OM. Either way....your first step out of limbo will be made. LET OMW KNOW!!!
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post #53 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 11:46 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

I think the OP has fallen from disbelief, shock, anger to self-pitying. He had no sex for 3 years. He seems not able to detach himself from his unloving wife.
Determine, MatrixD, the OP.
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post #54 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 12:47 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by warlock07 View Post
Don't react in anger. React with indifference. Anger will destroy any chance of R.
No...her living in a new apartment to F a different guy is destroying any chance of R. Reconciling although natural to want, should not be an option right now.
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post #55 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 02:50 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Matrix, when one affair partner asks their spouse for "time apart" to figure rthings out, it typically means they want time to pursue the other relationship and keep you on the hook as a spare in case things don't work out.

EXPOSE to the other man's wife NOW of you haven't already!

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post #56 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 05:00 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by matrixD View Post
SprucHub & others - thanks for brutal honesty. And people here, thanks for bearing with me as i come to terms with something that up until a few days ago, I was denying. I am new but suddenly immersed in a world of things I have only recently come to realize are actually patterns for infidelity. It is absolutely sickening to read this and feel as if I am reading a script of my life in a matter of a few short days. My D-Day was actually Feb 21. I spent the first week feeling miserable for myself and lost in a pit of anger deeper than I could get out of. I fought to get up every day since for my beautiful daughter and son. You think you know someone. Its a realization unlike any other I have ever had in my life. We were supposed to go on an Easter week vacation as a family to Disneyworld, neither of my kids have ever been. Thinking about that now I want to vomit. I finally grew a set of balls yesterday after reading about the patterns of infidelity, and some posts that were stickied on here about the actual stages of behavior the cheating spouse goes through. And it was like reading the book on my wife. Shes off deflecting blame, saying that the speration is for her to get some space while we work on our marital issues. We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family. That realization has been like pulling my head out from underwater, or out of my @ss - so when she called last night to ask me how I was, I asked her if she had anything to say to me because I was busy getting the kids meals cooked. No, she just wanted to see how I was doing. F-U! Im doing fine I said, and I reminded her of her decision to have her affair and asked that she call only if its for logistics with the kids, or if she has anything to share about what she is willing to do to come clean.

In the meantime, and again, please bear with me, as Im trying to hold down my job as I read and do all of this.....I have started working on a plan to get to the OMW. They live in a large house in a gated community but I am working on figuring out which school she drops her kids off at in the morning so I can have a chance to confront her after the kids are gone and hes not around.

The GPS locator is a 6-month charged device and I will use it in the interim to keep her honest in her new apt that her Dad is no doubt currently furnishing.

thats it for now
Know that people are rooting for you. That the more depressed you are the more your opportunity for happiness grows (that is, if you have never felt as bad as you did, you are now also able to feel better than you ever did). Know that you know the truth, and that your children will see it eventually. If you can swing it, go to Disney without her. It is so fun, for kids and adults. They do a great job. Focus on yourself, your kids and your career; don't sweat her. Don't be scared of your emotions, just don't show her (she has lost the right to share those). Don't be scared to say what you are thinking rather than feeling (e.g., I assume you got an apartment to [see] him) without caring what the response will be; but do not communicate when it is not necessary. Do not let her talk bad about you to others to blameshift; an unemotional: "she has created those problems after the fact to justify her actions" will suffice.

Know that there are women out there who would discuss their problems and not cheat.

Do not let her use marital funds for anything other than direct childcare.

Good Luck!
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post #57 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 09:36 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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We are apart because she made a decision to choose him over her family.
Glad that you figured that out so fast. You are a quick study.

A cheater acts one of two ways when caught. They either say that they are sorry and ask for forgiveness, or they stay in the affair. Your wife decided to stay in the affair and moved out to do so. Getting an apartment is a major commitment to the affair. You need to tell her family and friends right now about the affair. She is lying to them now about why she moved out (it is your fault), and if you let any time pass she will claim that she only started seeing the OM once she separated from you. Time is of the essence on this.
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post #58 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 10:02 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Matrix,

Not to hit you over the head with a 2x4 my man but I want to make sure you realize one other fact.

Not many women will walk away from their children. Your wife did.

She might call it depression, I call it sick and selfish. This goes against the maternal instincts that 99% of women have.

Why is she selfish, because she is most likely going to continue the affair.

Why should she care. She has a built-in baby sitter. Now I know you love your kids.

I also understand that you would not want them subjected to her new standard of living.

But please, please realize how selfish she has been towards you for over 3 years and now she has walked out on the kids, not just you.

That should tell you right there what kind of person she is.

Time to go nuclear. Scorched earth policy on the OM.

Do not make the meeting with the wife a confrontation. Just be casual, introduce yourself, drop the bomb and explain the evidence.

Tell her you are sorry for rocking her world but you felt she should know what her darling husband is doing with your wife.

Do not let your WW know!!!

Some people have gotten disposable phones and give that number to the OMW. That way she can call you privately and you can mutually work together to end the affair.

Good Luck, stay tough, do not waiver on your principles and love your children because they are probably pretty confused right now.

Your situation will get better. You have the whole SI team giving you good advice.

HM64
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post #59 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-07-2012, 05:51 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

You are on the right track.

Expose to the other man's wife.

Also call her parents and siblings and let them know that she has been at the least having an emotional affair and professing her love for another man. Don't let her paint you as the bad guy. You had issues in your marriage, but her becoming emotionally involved with another man was not the way to solve them. Let her parents and siblings know that you are willing to work on the marriage, if that is how you feel. Even if you don't want to work on your marriage, you will need to deal with her family in the future regarding the kids. It's best if they know you were not the bad guy she may be making you out to be.

When dealing with your wife, let her know that you are willing to take her back to work on your marriage (if you are in fact willing) under certain conditions, which are: No contact with the other man, she comes home, full transparency, she gives you passwords to all her communication methods and lets you know where she is at all times. Let her know you are filing for divorce then do it. Tell her you refuse to sit around and wait for her to decide between you and the other man. Tell her she does not get to have a love shack apartment where she gets to see if she's sexually compatible with the other man. Stay calm and project a strong confident image. Do not be whiny or needy. Don't negotiate. Stand by your conditions.

The sooner you file for divorce, the sooner your wife will want to come back and work on your marriage.

From your posts, it seems like she is very excited, almost giddy, to be getting an apartment for which her dad is paying and she is not feeling at all bad about not seeing her kids. She's likely telling her dad and family that being in the apartment alone will help her figure out if she wants to stay with her terrible husband; she is not telling them that she is hoping to use the apartment to see and have sex with the other man.
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post #60 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-07-2012, 02:12 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Yes EXPOSE it all. Don't let her go off and get a new apt. with no consequences! Don't tell her what's up. Let her skip around the house and pack. Let her move out and live in a fantasy land. Then have her served. Good Lord.
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