Wife of 11 years cheated on me - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 07:12 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Still no contact so I don't know. I've kind of gone dark on her at this point but I'm assuming he got to her by now. My focus is me and my kids. My daughter is messed up about not seeing her mom
Matrix, I'm very proud of you. Now go watch "Commando" with Arny your name sake "Matrix".

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post #107 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 07:15 PM Thread Starter
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Update - my WW made contact. Either OM hasn't dropped the bomb or she's playing it cool. Her demeanor was as normal as could be expected under the circumstances. While I find it hard to believe that the OM wouldn't tell her this breaking news (given their damn near constant contact leading up to this) perhaps the OM is stewing or has decided to not make this an worse. He has a temper, that I know. But he's also full of schitt and excuses at the same time. He was manipulative and now he's most likely making up stories to his wife that he controls.

So I'm less afraid of D now than ever before. But it's a step I still wrestle with for the sole reason of its finality. Yes, it could shake WW out of her fantasyland but at the same time, it could take a very fragile person (which at this point I sense she is aft speaking with her father) and make her worse. But then again this gets worse before better either way, right?

Her father now knows my side of the story. Which is to say he knows that that I always honored her and stood by her, even as she deceived me. Her father is very level headed and calm and to,d me he cannot take sides. He must support her but he said she's all kind of messed up. She is convinced she isn't cut out for motherhood, and she is definitely not happy. What I can't sort out is if her guilt is preventing her from thoughts of R, or if she's moved past thinking R is possible. Part of me thinks she checked out years ago and this is her best chance at bowing out, sad as that sounds, I feel that is highly possible.

So that leaves me - sad as I am, I'm getting stronger and starting to realize the very real possibility of her not in my life as my W. but i can't move on without recognition and her owning this. I will be a man and own my share of our marital baggage, but I can't accept the fall of this family as it is currently going down, I don't deserve this.

So I'm in the hell called limbo I suppose. I await something from her, prepared at the same time for an attack of sorts from OM. Inching closer mentally to D. Do I have anything to lose by consulting an attorney? Probably a good move based on everyone's urging. I just wish I had a better sense of which way it would push her.
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post #108 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 07:23 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

You need to talk to an atty to protect yourself and your family. Let him know what kind of person the OM is. He might need to write a letter to OM also.

I doubt any single thing you do will push her one way or another.

Looks like she needs to see an MD and also go to counseling.

Has she been checked for depression and hormone levels. Isn't not wanting to be a mother after having children very rare?

Does she party, go out with the girls?

Get FIL on board with getting her to MD and counsleor.



Good luck and prayers.
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post #109 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 07:27 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Has post partum depression been looked into. I think there are a couple of other threads going on here involving ppd.
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post #110 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 08:10 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Pardon my potential ignorance but doesn't PPD occur almost immediately after childbirth. The OP stated his youngest is 3. Could she be having PPD three years later?
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post #111 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 08:18 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Pardon my potential ignorance but doesn't PPD occur almost immediately after childbirth. The OP stated his youngest is 3. Could she be having PPD three years later?
Someone else here is going through that exact thing. Sex life also stopped three years ago , no?
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post #112 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 08:35 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Someone else here is going through that exact thing. Sex life also stopped three years ago , no?
Are you referring to the OP that was in law enforcement and eventually learned the truth after threatening to have his WW take a polygraph? Sorry, I may be tired or it could be the Jamesons.
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post #113 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 08:39 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Are you referring to the OP that was in law enforcement and eventually learned the truth after threatening to have his WW take a polygraph? Sorry, I may be tired or it could be the Jamesons.
That sounds like it. She was having an affair with a family friend?
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post #114 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 08:44 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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So I'm in the hell called limbo I suppose. I await something from her, prepared at the same time for an attack of sorts from OM. Inching closer mentally to D. Do I have anything to lose by consulting an attorney? Probably a good move based on everyone's urging.
You should have already retained a lawyer and he should be writing the papers.

Get this done, act quickly, it`s a win win either way.

You can`t depend on her to take a definitive direction unless she`s pushed.

No, you can`t be sure which way it`ll push her but it`s most likely you`ll be heading where you were heading anyway, just faster.

Do it.
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post #115 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-09-2012, 09:43 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Might as well cite abandonment and request sole custody of the kids. That will knock her off her perch.
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post #116 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 07:27 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Can I believe her?

I have already posted this once it turns out.

Have you researched Post Partum Depression? This all started three years ago when your last child was born.

There is a third thread here too that has PPD written all over it.

It can turn a woman's and her families life upside down
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post #117 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 08:38 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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That sounds like it. She was having an affair with a family friend?
Yes, I believe so.
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post #118 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 08:42 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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I can tell you PPD can start after a child and then become a long term depression that won't let go if not treated. My wife started there then never recovered until she faced it.
I can see that left untreated PPD can linger into a longer more pronounced depression. I guess my question was can symptoms of PPD first manifest years after the child is born? I don't recall the OP stating that she was depressed or had problems beginning when their 3 year old was born. I may be mistaken.
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post #119 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-10-2012, 09:00 AM
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I can tell you PPD can start after a child and then become a long term depression that won't let go if not treated. My wife started there then never recovered until she faced it.
I also wonder if this is not MY wife's problem.
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post #120 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-11-2012, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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There is a possibility that my WW has / had a form of PPD, but it's likely that her emotional state has been ruled by a deeper depression for several years. She's been on and off Pagxil and Wellbutrin in the past 4 years and she also tried hormonal therapy. The only thing that seemed to change her mental outlook was exercise - the more vigorous and regular, the less depressed she felt. Unfortunately, with each cycle like this, her feeling 'good' would take her further from me. I recall a similar situation back in 2002 or so...the better she started to feel about herself through exercise and weight loss, the better she would feel and more distant she would become. I sensed back then that she might be finding happiness elsewhere but was never able to confirm it.

So here is where we are. On Friday night we got together to let her see the kids. She does want to be with them, but she feels she needs to take things a day at a time, and she looks very gaunt and awful as if she's taken weight loss past where she needs to. She seems emotionally vacant to me. Unable to apologize or show any remorse for tearing this family apart. She stares forward and says little. I asked her if she would please talk to me, and she said " I don't know what to say to you"

I've discussed this with some dear friends. dear friends who know her a long time and they have concluded that she is refusing to deal with the guilt. She won't tell people what is going on other than to say that her and I are having issues. She's not taking any accountability and I'm starting to actually think that this is what she has wanted all along. Perhaps she purposely left that text message to OM for me to see. Twisted as that sounds, if she's that desperate, is it not possible?

I agree with the recommendation for psychiatrist. I'm having a hard time doing 180 simply because I am worried for her well being. A friend told me of a similar situation with his ex where his ex tried to kill herself. Her emotional vacant ness scares me to my core. She's not this person, she can't be this person. It's as if she's been possessed. Isq this what happens to people who do something so heinous?

I told her I have no desire to live in limbo. I didn't put her n the clock with the apt but I told her I don't want this situation for my children and for myself

Last edited by matrixD; 03-11-2012 at 08:12 AM.
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