Wife of 11 years cheated on me - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-11-2012, 08:20 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

You need to talk to her father and see what you can do to have her commited. She sounds like she may endanger her own life. Better safe than sorry.

Very odd that when she exercises and gets better she would distance herself from you. There are certainly issues in your marriage. How would you describe them?

Does anyone in her family have mental health issues?

I heard counselors the other day say depression had to treated with therapy as well as medication. Has she been doing this?

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post #122 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-11-2012, 10:01 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Update - my WW made contact. Either OM hasn't dropped the bomb or she's playing it cool. Her demeanor was as normal as could be expected under the circumstances. While I find it hard to believe that the OM wouldn't tell her this breaking news (given their damn near constant contact leading up to this) perhaps the OM is stewing or has decided to not make this an worse. He has a temper, that I know. But he's also full of schitt and excuses at the same time. He was manipulative and now he's most likely making up stories to his wife that he controls.

So I'm less afraid of D now than ever before. But it's a step I still wrestle with for the sole reason of its finality. Yes, it could shake WW out of her fantasyland but at the same time, it could take a very fragile person (which at this point I sense she is aft speaking with her father) and make her worse. But then again this gets worse before better either way, right?

Her father now knows my side of the story. Which is to say he knows that that I always honored her and stood by her, even as she deceived me. Her father is very level headed and calm and to,d me he cannot take sides. He must support her but he said she's all kind of messed up. She is convinced she isn't cut out for motherhood, and she is definitely not happy. What I can't sort out is if her guilt is preventing her from thoughts of R, or if she's moved past thinking R is possible. Part of me thinks she checked out years ago and this is her best chance at bowing out, sad as that sounds, I feel that is highly possible.

So that leaves me - sad as I am, I'm getting stronger and starting to realize the very real possibility of her not in my life as my W. but i can't move on without recognition and her owning this. I will be a man and own my share of our marital baggage, but I can't accept the fall of this family as it is currently going down, I don't deserve this.

So I'm in the hell called limbo I suppose. I await something from her, prepared at the same time for an attack of sorts from OM. Inching closer mentally to D. Do I have anything to lose by consulting an attorney? Probably a good move based on everyone's urging. I just wish I had a better sense of which way it would push her.
I guess that would all depend on which way your front door faced.
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post #123 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-11-2012, 03:46 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

The fact that she has not gone off on you about telling the OMW indicates to me that she is depressed and needs psychiatric attention. A cheating woman in her right frame of mind would have been all over you with anger.
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post #124 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-11-2012, 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

leave her she is infected and has sealed her fate you might have to. Are you worthy of a good woman? your wife right now is not a good woman nor is wife material.

Cheating is not something good people do its something those who are corrupted do.

Your marriage has been a failure for years sadly lack of sex and being "roommates as you claim" this is all very sad but its true as you made note of it. You see its very common for one person in a sexless marriage especially a marriage with nos ex for years and in which they feel they are roommates to seek someone outside the marriage. She sealed her fate but not divorcing it she cheated there is no excuse for her behavior though i could see were she might be coming from i could see why you might want to cheat. I am also shocked you have not cheated most men would divorce or cheat after a while of a sexless marriage let alone one in which the people are like roommates.



Here is what is true you guy's never had a consummate love or else this would not be happening. You guys had a love and it was likely a fatuous, compassionate, or a liking friendship love, from what it sounds like a romantic love. GOOGLE the Triangular theory of love identify what your love was at. Case being the love has not existed for years likely at all and you guy's were not meant for each other but for some reason likely (physical and romantic attractions) remained together and ignored all signs.
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post #125 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-11-2012, 06:12 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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The fact that she has not gone off on you about telling the OMW indicates to me that she is depressed and needs psychiatric attention. A cheating woman in her right frame of mind would have been all over you with anger.
it seems she has mental health issues and always had them that combined with increasing depression and lack of a sex life for years coupled with the fact these two were likely never truly meant for each other. And instead liked each other enough to be around each other and a few other reasons but ignored key significant signs of a failing relationship and when to end it.

Most cases of infidelity can be avoided if you really know the other person and if you are not a cheater yourself. What it comes down to is much more than just need a opportunity.
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post #126 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-12-2012, 09:42 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Matrix - You know her better than anyone, and if you are nervous about her hurting herself, you should contact her father. Maybe she is mourning the loss of the OM, or the dream of the OM. The statement she doesn't know if she is cut out for motherhood is telling. You can check out of a marriage - not out of parenting. This is a woman spending time away from a 3 y/o, a 3 y/o! All preceded by an EA with an OM. If they were together, would she be so forelorn?

Contact an attorney, start the process. It can always be stopped. Just, you're exiting limbo. Tell her, it seems she wants to leave but lacks the constitution, but that you suffer from no such cowardice.
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post #127 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-13-2012, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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I visited her father (he is recovering from bypass surgery this past December) and told him at length about my concerns for her mental health, both he and her brother are very concerned. She is saying she is fine when asked
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post #128 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-16-2012, 03:55 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

It has been a while since the last post. matrix, do you know if the A is still on-going? If not, it might be time to stop the 180 and work on being supportive.

Post A, there is a lot of shame and guilt that she is dealing with. If she was depressed before, she is worse now. It is time to stop 180, assuming the A is well and truly stopped. Drop me a note if you read this. I can catch you up on my situation.
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post #129 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-20-2012, 08:37 PM Thread Starter
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I decided to D after realizing that I was tired I being disrespected I consulted with two attorneys who were different in their approach but both gave me some things to consider before doing the asset discovery. My Wife contacted me and asked if I had retained N attorney (one attorney left a message on house voicemail and we both get emails of voicemails) I said yes and she asked if I would consider mediation to avoid cost and work things out between is amicably. I agreed with caveats that we both first meet and discuss our intended outcomes rather than spending 2 hours at $400 and walk away with nothing but disappointment. She agreed. She told me she only wants money to care for my son and daughter and has no interest in the house or it's contents. I decided to immediately mediate. In mediation she again indicated wanting only spousal support to cover the kids and told me if I could afford the mortgage then I should stay in the house. Joint custody - 50/50 split and some money from some investments as opposed to what she legally could get in spousal support and child support based on our salary differential. The mediator was somewhat in disbelief but agreed to draft a property settlement and outline the terms of our D. We are hopefully a few weeks from drafting an agreement for the courts with a 4/3 3/4 schedule for joint custody and most everything else worked out

I was on the fence for so long guys, you know that, foolishly thinking my wayward spouse would wake up. Then I decided to respect myself and live my life and let her go. The A is over but she has no remorse and isn't wasting any time furnishing her apt with money from her father, telling her fAmily that we weren't right together and that her A was never physical. As if that diminishes its affect on our lives together. I decided to strike while she was a 'groggy bear' (my attorney's term for it) and still living with the guilt. The alternative for me would be brutal financially and I'd end up in a shack myself trying to care for my kids. From now on, it's only about the three of us, an the rest of our lives. That's all I can control - and that's all I want to focus on now. I'm done living a loveless lie and being disrespected.
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post #130 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-20-2012, 08:51 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Good luck and prayers for you and your children.

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post #131 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-20-2012, 10:26 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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From now on, it's only about the three of us, an the rest of our lives
You'll eventually add that 4th person that you deserve. GL with this new phase of your life.
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post #132 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-20-2012, 10:26 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

MatrixD,

Good for you and your children.

I am glad that you took steps to improve your life but also your children's.

I know you will find love again. Focus on the kids and everything else will fall in place in time.

I am also glad that your WW has not tried to soak you in the divorce.

Way to handle matters between you two.

HM64
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post #133 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-22-2012, 04:03 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

matrix, good to hear that you took some positive steps for yourself. All the very best to you and the kids.
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post #134 of 141 (permalink) Old 04-26-2012, 04:49 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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I decided to D after realizing that I was tired I being disrespected From now on, it's only about the three of us, an the rest of our lives. That's all I can control - and that's all I want to focus on now. I'm done living a loveless lie and being disrespected.
Matrix - Self-respect is what really matters. All else flows from there. I am glad you reclaimed yours!
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post #135 of 141 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 07:55 AM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

If she didn't have mental health issues before the affair, perhaps she was unhappy with her lot. Cheating in itself creates mental imbalance because the cheater becomes adept at being the best liar on the planet to thwart you and your family. That's when her own self created mind health becomes unbalanced. She's thinking of OM when with you and when with OM she ain't thinking of you!

Self obsessed with HER desires, she ignores and destroys everything around her and then blames everyone but herself.

If she has depression, she needs PROFESSIONAL help. She could be using it as a cover up to avoid taking responsibilty for seeing all the harm inflicted not only on herself but also on her family.

If she won't recognise or accept her mental health and well being as possibly being unbalanced, she should at the very least see the harm deliberately created on you and her family. If none of that is recognised then, Divorce papers will bring home the reality.

The vows, 'in sickness and in health' should mean just that but if she doesn't accept professional help then you have tried your best to uphold your side of the bargain by trying to get her help but dealing with someone in denial is very difficult and then you have to think of your kids wellbeing and their mental health with indenial and depression .
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