Wife of 11 years cheated on me - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Hi all, could use some advice here desperately.

Been married to my wife for almost exactly 11 years now. We have two wonderful children, a boy and a girl. Our marriage has changed significantly over the years, especially since our last child (age 3) and we havent been having sex in almost 3 years. My wife had been seeing a therapist for depression, and she had complained of very low sex drive and we experimented with various antidepressants to no avail.

Our relationship has become very roommate-like, but up until recently, we shared everything. At times we both even joked about being too much alike. The lack of sex bothered me, of course, and my wife probably felt guilty about it, but I managed and always held hope that her outlook would change. Truthfully though, my wife had clearly started to view us a a platonic couple with kids.

I have never had an affair with someone outside our marriage. There have been temptations and flirtations as there are with any daily interaction in life, but there was a line I would never cross. Not so much my wife.

I found out after 3 months of obsessive, sickening investigation that my wife has been having an emotional affair with a married man with 3 children of his own. He is someone that I know through another family and our children played with each other a few years back. I confronted my wife about excessive texting and phone calls on her cell phone and she denied that her contact with him was anything more than a friendship. The first time I confronted her was a month ago. She claimed that she spoke to him alot because he was funny and they griped and complained about kids, and parent things. I couldt let it go. A second time I confronted her when called our house and she started yapping away with him on the phone in the bedroom while I was there. The balls on this guy to call another man's wife and the nerve of my wife to think I was so blind.

Time passed, slowly for me, because I was making myself sicker and sicker obsessing over all the lies she was potentially telling me. I had no proof of a physical relationship, and all of the messages from him I saw were platonic in nature. But I had asked her twice out of respect to this marriage to stop. Over the last month, things between us had started to improve...I had started to let go of my obsession over what they were doing, and had started spending more time with her and my boy and girl. Then sadly, I looked one last time at messages on her phone. There it was - complete profession of her love for him and also a hint of mutual decision to not risk both their families. I puked, again and again. Ive been sick ever since.

I confronted her immediately instead of thinking if I could let something I know was there possibly die on its own. The result was her finally admitting the emotional affair. We are now living apart - she is staying with her father and I am in our large house with my two children, trying to keep things together.

We have talked in the past few days about what to do. She thinks its best if we spend time apart. She wouldnt discuss the affair with me except to say that its part of a larger set of issues we have. After time to clear my head I have realized that her and my two kids are my entire life, I want nothing more than to have this go away, but I understand we have issues that we need to fix in our marriage, if indeed it can be fixed. Im willing to seek counseling but I dont think she is. I am not sure what she is going through and I dont have the kind of relationship with her father where I can just call and talk to him about this. I feel worse than awful, alone, scared and sick to my stomach.

I never dreamed I'd be in this situation. I have a good relationship with her brother but now no one is talking to anyone. For all I know they are saying I'm to blame as Im sure she probably hasnt owned up to this to anyone but me, hesitantly. Im scared that giving her space just drives her into his arms and that crowding her now just makes this whole situation worse. Any thoughts her welcome as my life has come crashing down...

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post #2 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:16 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Tell the other man's wife. Expose the affair to everyone.
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post #3 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:30 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

And do so without giving your wife or the other man any warning.
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post #4 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?
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post #5 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:34 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

And don't let her say it's your fault. Issues in the marriage are co-owned, but the affair is completely on her.

Look at it this way, if OMW found out, wouldn't you want her to tell you?
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post #6 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:34 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

The Typical Female Infidel...

No Mercy...if she is not contrite...
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post #7 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:37 PM
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How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?
Hogwash.

The other mans wife is being abused and lied to by her husband. This is not a choice. You have a moral obligation to tell her. Not doing so makes you as much a sneak and liar as your wife and her lover.
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post #8 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:40 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

The problem with most men are by the time they pick up that something is seriously wrong with his relationship, it’s too late to do anything about it. Listen to me. If your wife isn't having sex with you, there are serious problems with your relationship.

Sure she thinks its best if you spend time apart. If she’s fooling around with a man she’s actually interested in, why would she want to spend time with someone she could care less about? That be you my man.

You’re uncomfortable with her, you're obsessing over your lack of trust and faith in her, you’re frustrated with her, you’re having nightmares over her. So why are you with her and wanting to work on something that is well beyond repair?

I think you should suck it up, realize that its been over for her for a long time and move on. Forget about the other man. If it wasn't him it would be someone else.
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post #9 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:46 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?
WTFU!!!! Which means "wake the f up". First off, you can't ruin two families because they were already ruined by your cheating wife and the POSOM.

Next your wife wants space to skrew the other guy. She realizes that you are afraid of losing her and your family, so she is taking advantage of that fear. She will use you for child care and family support, and the other man for sex.

Hey Postulio, this sounds just like your situation. Please help this guy out. Postulio was acting the same way as you. Then he really manned up. This business of the POSOM calling her while she was in bed with you, is incredible. Postulio dumped the conniving b#%^h, and now she is begging him to take her back. At least hes in the drivers seat. Quit riding b$^&h and take over the driving.
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post #10 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:47 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Expose it to all. The fact that your wife is living apart from you is risky. She is now free to take it PA without you being there. The more you expose it the more likely it will end. The more you expose it the less likely it will become a PA. The more you expose it the more eyes you will have on these two.

In 2010 my WS had an EA and I did not expose it except to the OMW. Big mistake. My WS got involved with another guy about a year later and it went PA. I believe due in part to her thinking that I would never expose her.

Expose it.


This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
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post #11 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:47 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Hogwash.

The other mans wife is being abused and lied to by her husband. This is not a choice. You have a moral obligation to tell her. Not doing so makes you as much a sneak and liar as your wife and her lover.
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What if the situation were reversed and the OMW knew of information that pertained to your M would you want to know.

When she said she needs time that is WW speak for I am going to carry on my affair while we are apart.

Good Luck
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post #12 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:48 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by Initfortheduration View Post
WTFU!!!! Which means "wake the f up". First off, you can't ruin two families because they were already ruined by your cheating wife and the POSOM.

Next your wife wants space to skrew the other guy. She realizes that you are afraid of losing her and your family, so she is taking advantage of that fear. She will use you for child care and family support, and the other man for sex.

Hey Postulio, this sounds just like your situation. Please help this guy out. Postulio was acting the same way as you. Then he really manned up. This business of the POSOM calling her while she was in bed with you, is incredible. Postulio dumped the conniving b#%^h, and now she is begging him to take her back. At least hes in the drivers seat. Quit riding b$^&h and take over the driving.
Apt...
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post #13 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:55 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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How will that help with any reconciliation process (if possible) with my wife? Apart from making me feel better, dont i ruin two families?
The truth will relieve her from the burden of her web of lies. It won't make you feel better, it will hurt to see your own W's inescapable shame from her actions. She is the one who betrayed her family and helped her AP ruin his, it is now up to her strength of character as to whether or not she can rebuild the trust in hers.

You don't need to give a flying fvck as to her AP's character, however out of basic moral duty you should tell the OMW, she has a right to know that her H is destroying his family from underneath her feet.

Lies are toxic and until you purge them all out they continue to fester, you can never recover or heal because the damage just continues.
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post #14 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 01:58 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

Get a grip. Start the 180. Do not beg her, do not plead for her, do not pursue her.

You are me two months ago man. Don't go there. Your marriage is over, dead. Your wife is dead to you. Take control of yourself. You can't control her.

Things may work out for you but listen to what folks here are saying. Forget about her and start taking care of yourself and your kids.

Do the 180. Do it.

We are here for you, get strong and get the upper hand.

This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
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post #15 of 141 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 02:10 PM
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Re: Wife of 11 years cheated on me

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Hogwash.

The other mans wife is being abused and lied to by her husband. This is not a choice. You have a moral obligation to tell her. Not doing so makes you as much a sneak and liar as your wife and her lover.
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Your wife is the one that should be coming to you for reconciliation irrespective of exposure. She's the one that cheated and ruined 2 marriages, there are consequences to her actions. Like bandit said, you owe it to the other man's wife to tell her the truth.
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