Wife of 11 years cheated on me
Hi all, could use some advice here desperately.
Been married to my wife for almost exactly 11 years now. We have two wonderful children, a boy and a girl. Our marriage has changed significantly over the years, especially since our last child (age 3) and we havent been having sex in almost 3 years. My wife had been seeing a therapist for depression, and she had complained of very low sex drive and we experimented with various antidepressants to no avail.
Our relationship has become very roommate-like, but up until recently, we shared everything. At times we both even joked about being too much alike. The lack of sex bothered me, of course, and my wife probably felt guilty about it, but I managed and always held hope that her outlook would change. Truthfully though, my wife had clearly started to view us a a platonic couple with kids.
I have never had an affair with someone outside our marriage. There have been temptations and flirtations as there are with any daily interaction in life, but there was a line I would never cross. Not so much my wife.
I found out after 3 months of obsessive, sickening investigation that my wife has been having an emotional affair with a married man with 3 children of his own. He is someone that I know through another family and our children played with each other a few years back. I confronted my wife about excessive texting and phone calls on her cell phone and she denied that her contact with him was anything more than a friendship. The first time I confronted her was a month ago. She claimed that she spoke to him alot because he was funny and they griped and complained about kids, and parent things. I couldt let it go. A second time I confronted her when called our house and she started yapping away with him on the phone in the bedroom while I was there. The balls on this guy to call another man's wife and the nerve of my wife to think I was so blind.
Time passed, slowly for me, because I was making myself sicker and sicker obsessing over all the lies she was potentially telling me. I had no proof of a physical relationship, and all of the messages from him I saw were platonic in nature. But I had asked her twice out of respect to this marriage to stop. Over the last month, things between us had started to improve...I had started to let go of my obsession over what they were doing, and had started spending more time with her and my boy and girl. Then sadly, I looked one last time at messages on her phone. There it was - complete profession of her love for him and also a hint of mutual decision to not risk both their families. I puked, again and again. Ive been sick ever since.
I confronted her immediately instead of thinking if I could let something I know was there possibly die on its own. The result was her finally admitting the emotional affair. We are now living apart - she is staying with her father and I am in our large house with my two children, trying to keep things together.
We have talked in the past few days about what to do. She thinks its best if we spend time apart. She wouldnt discuss the affair with me except to say that its part of a larger set of issues we have. After time to clear my head I have realized that her and my two kids are my entire life, I want nothing more than to have this go away, but I understand we have issues that we need to fix in our marriage, if indeed it can be fixed. Im willing to seek counseling but I dont think she is. I am not sure what she is going through and I dont have the kind of relationship with her father where I can just call and talk to him about this. I feel worse than awful, alone, scared and sick to my stomach.
I never dreamed I'd be in this situation. I have a good relationship with her brother but now no one is talking to anyone. For all I know they are saying I'm to blame as Im sure she probably hasnt owned up to this to anyone but me, hesitantly. Im scared that giving her space just drives her into his arms and that crowding her now just makes this whole situation worse. Any thoughts her welcome as my life has come crashing down...