Reading lots of posts the last few days, and really wondering if people WANT to change their respect-less marriages. I came to TAM a little over a month ago, took the advice----and the #1 thing that changed was my attitude.
If you came here because your spouse was cheating, then you have been disrespected and so has your marriage. It doesn't really matter if it was text, phone, email, cyber, or a full-on PA, you and your marriage vows were tossed in the trash by your mate. And they NEVER think you will find out. (If they don't care that you found out, you are in the wrong place.)
Most likely, they are trying to stay in the relationship, and you are hurt, confused, being played, lied to---while their betrayals are minimized and downplayed. You may even be arguing about the reasons they betrayed you! Never stay under these conditions. Put the paperwork on the table. There is no other way.
It took me a month of suffering before I did this, a month of hell in limbo. Don't make my mistake. Do it now. It is the ONLY way you will force a true reconciliation (if that is what you want)---Their reaction to the papers is all you need to know.
This is my exact situation, we have been married for less than a year.....a little over 8 months to be exact. My wife - who doesn't work or believe in doing housework - has been busted texting a guy half a country away begging for him to have sex with her. I called her out on it, she barely apologized for that one....it actually sequed into an entirely different argument about how she wasn't sure if she married me out of love or because she thought I'd make a good father someday.
Fast forward two months later, and she is texting another guy probably 20-30+ times a day and is "in love with him". I've read those texts as well. Shes gone into graphic detail about how she wants to have sex with him and so on. This guy is married, with a 5 year old and halfway across the country himself.
Instead of owning any of this, she's dug in, added a screen lock on her phone (that I pay for), and reloaded her computer because she believes I put a keylogger on there (I haven't).
She recently stuck me with a $2500 surgery bill and less than 4 days afterwards told me this marriage isn't working and she wants out. Fair enough, but she doesn't seem eager to leave. In fact its been a week and a half since that talk and she said she would move out (I own the house and most of everything in it as I bought it before I even met this woman), and she's still here. I keep hinting/straight out asking when are you leaving and she is getting increasingly more irritated by those questions.
I tried being civil, but alas I have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Limbo is even worse than being cheated on
I agree with you. The most pertinent response to the situation you're in is exposure and that loud thud of divorce papers being handed to them.
Well, I had nothing to expose, but had papers done anyway. My H was well on his way to it (spending internet time checking out other ladies....) and that is where it all starts. Trust me, I will never know how far it went, but I wasn't going to wait around and find out.
This is my exact situation, we have been married for less than a year.....a little over 8 months to be exact. My wife - who doesn't work or believe in doing housework - has been busted texting a guy half a country away begging for him to have sex with her. I called her out on it, she barely apologized for that one....it actually sequed into an entirely different argument about how she wasn't sure if she married me out of love or because she thought I'd make a good father someday.
Fast forward two months later, and she is texting another guy probably 20-30+ times a day and is "in love with him". I've read those texts as well. Shes gone into graphic detail about how she wants to have sex with him and so on. This guy is married, with a 5 year old and halfway across the country himself.
Instead of owning any of this, she's dug in, added a screen lock on her phone (that I pay for), and reloaded her computer because she believes I put a keylogger on there (I haven't).
She recently stuck me with a $2500 surgery bill and less than 4 days afterwards told me this marriage isn't working and she wants out. Fair enough, but she doesn't seem eager to leave. In fact its been a week and a half since that talk and she said she would move out (I own the house and most of everything in it as I bought it before I even met this woman), and she's still here. I keep hinting/straight out asking when are you leaving and she is getting increasingly more irritated by those questions.
I tried being civil, but alas I have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Limbo is even worse than being cheated on
I've been here. Don't do it! It's awful, just awful! Don't pay lots of $$ for a lawyer. You can get movement from her TODAY if you get your separation papers done online. Meet the lawyer to get your D started, but that can take a long time. And it sounds like her attitude sucks.
Fast forward two months later, and she is texting another guy probably 20-30+ times a day and is "in love with him". I've read those texts as well. Shes gone into graphic detail about how she wants to have sex with him and so on. This guy is married, with a 5 year old and halfway across the country himself.
Instead of owning any of this, she's dug in, added a screen lock on her phone (that I pay for)
Stop paying for her phone. She agrees its not working? Great! No more disrespect for you! Start separating your stuff and tell her its time to go.
The advise I got about D on this site was this. If you plan to use D do not (and I repeat) do not use it as a threat that you do not mean to follow through. If you do not intend to D and the WS sees that you are just using it as a ploy it can backfire. When I started D I meant it. My WS saw how serious I was when I showed her what I had done and who my attorney was. She knew my attorney and knew she would wind up on the short end of the stick. She also did not want to leave me. Even in the A her intent was never to leave me but that is very little comfort.
So yes, the D papers worked for me, but, WTH, we should not even be here in the first place if our WS's would have remained true.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
The advise I got about D on this site was this. If you plan to use D do not (and I repeat) do not use it as a threat that you do not mean to follow through. If you do not intend to D and the WS sees that you are just using it as a ploy it can backfire. When I started D I meant it. My WS saw how serious I was when I showed her what I had done and who my attorney was. She knew my attorney and knew she would wind up on the short end of the stick. She also did not want to leave me. Even in the A her intent was never to leave me but that is very little comfort.
So yes, the D papers worked for me, but, WTH, we should not even be here in the first place if our WS's would have remained true.
Yes, of course you have to mean it and follow through! I would never suggest that anyone use it as an empty threat. It worked for me (so far) because I was ready to go. I didn't want to stay -- i couldn't stay -- the way things were.
Kids, love, can't afford it, and scared of being lonely.
C'mon rock---- what r u talking about? What is your life worth? Tell her the way it has to be. That you are standing up for your marriage's integrity----how can your wife not see that as honorable?
Kids, love, can't afford it, and scared of being lonely.
Hey, I hear you, I really do. I love my H more than anyone I have ever been with. He is everything I ever wanted and I thought I would die if we were to D.
But I realized that I needed to be responsible for myself and let him go. Stop holding him responsible for my pain and my fears. Decided to take my life back and you know what? Its up to me, not him. And I don't want a marriage where the vows aren't respected, no matter how much I am in love.
You can do it. Isn't your wife the one is is silent all the time? So is my H. Strong silent type. Took him an hour to respond once the paperwork came out. Said he didn't want D. Now we are in early R. If he would have said, yeah----we need a divorce---then what is the point of staying?
3Likes
Let Go of Limbo for Good 
