I think the therapist is looking to make some money here. ElleBee watch out if you are looking at this thread.. Check her credentials.
What is the purpose of getting divorced if you plan to start afresh. Someone help me out here. I'm not sure I'm not the only one thinking that this is extremely stupid.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
I can see this is already paying off. She can't stop lying. How do I know when/if she starts telling me the truth?
Basically I am covering the spread. With our talks we both know or so I thought) that we wanted to try and make this work, but plan for the worst in the event that one of us has enough. I have been very considerate of her through this whole process. With the exception of the one blow up I had, I have remained calm and supportive of her through this. I have bent over backwards so far to help her get help and work this out. I sort of thought it needs to go the other way, but I know she is weak at times.
As far her therapist helping her, not us, I knew that would be the case. I was stating the obvious, not being sarcastic. I can't convey that typing.
Or why don't you meet her therapist for a couple of sessions and see if it will work ? I mean, she did portray herself well even though most the people knew your story first. The counselor has no idea about you. So she might be biased for now. If you think it isn't working you both can discuss and change the counselor.
Your point is well taken, but how am I supposed to even trust her to try and make us work when I can't even trust her to tell the truth?
I couldn't have been more direct with my line of questioning or about what I think it will take to make us work. But somehow she still continues to lie, even after I tell her that if she lied I would be back at the bottom of the pit. She did it anyway.
We have literally talking more than 4 hours a day. Around 8 hours a day on the weekends. It's not a lack of communication.
My theory is she is just trying to provoke me to make me give up and call everything off to make us work.
There is a better therapist I was looking at. I have no real experience with IC in the area, but I read plenty of reviews. The therapist I am looking at, specializes in infidelity.
I'm sorry you're going through this. And honestly I'm sorry for your wife too.
It's a sad case of 2 big issue that could have been resolved (you being away and lack of communication) to 1 big issue infidelity.
Now she is getting less than stellar advice from a councelor. This is an example of why I am not a fan of IC or counceling in general. You pay out the nose for information you could have received from talking to yourself in a mirror most times. And other times just flat out bad advice.
Her counselor is telling her to, basically, lie so she is stuck in the middle. She is afraid to tell every detail for fear of losing you. Stuck again. Although some people want every detail, you can't tell it helped them from reading the posts around here. I didn't even consider asking about them many years ago. I took it more of a competition between the OM and me and I won. To me that meant I was the better man and she knew it. Later, I broke up with her but for other reasons. Details make mind movies that are just nightmare material. If you want to move on, do it. Read the wayward spouse instructions with her. And reflect for a few weeks about what you really want. Don't ever again consider a long distance relationship.
Also to add, I don't think she will be coming back here. She told her therapist and was advised against it. Thought she would get too beat up here. Obviously her therapist is more worried about her well being.
She told me to use the same therapist so the therapist could get both sides of the story. I don't think they even approached the infidelity topic yet.
I will most definitely not use the same therapist. I find it hard to believe a single person can objectively counsel two people with opposing views. Also, her therapist advised her against telling me further about the affair. Basically lie to me. Not sure if thats standard or not. It was justified so I didn't have to continue dealing with the affair. I don't know how that would be any good when I keep asking for the truth about the affair. But who knows, maybe she is lying about that too.
OK Lost, Tell your wife, based on the counsel she got from her therapist, you will speed the divorce along as quickly as possible. Since her counselor is encouraging her to remain a lying, cheating skank. Just say "No problem, You think someone you have talked to for a couple of hours and is advising you to continue to lie to me, someone who is encouraging you to remain deceitful to me. And you are choosing her advice? Tell you what, go move in with her". Then show the tramp the door.
Stages of lies as outright lies or "omission"
-The sex/oral was in the hotel only
-The oral on boat revealed
-Oral in car the weekend of the "shopping trip"
-Sex in the car for the "shopping trip"
Is this normal for a WS to continue to lie when they say they want to work this out?
She has already confessed a lot of bad behavior, and each additional thing she has confessed is not that much worse than the thing before, so you're wondering why not just get it all out at once?
It is not normal to continue to lie but it is typical.
She is holding onto something really big. Once she is willing to tell you that big thing, the thing that makes all of this other stuff she's already told you pale in comparison, then the dam will open and all the rest of the truth will come pouring out. Who knows what that big thing is? Additional partners? Kinds of kinky sex she never let you have? Your guess probably is better than mine.
Will finding out all the details really help you? I don't think so. If she has decided to commit to the marriage and you have, too, then maybe you guys can find more positive ways of figuring out how to strengthen and build a new relationship. She cheated. She did the worst thing she could have done. Imagine the most horrible thing she could do and just assume she did it. If you want to try to forgive her and work it out, you have to put the past behind you and try to build from a clean slate. Start over. She isn't telling you the truth, dragging it out of her won't help. What you want to do instead, is see if you can find out from her WHY she did it and what her reasons were. Then you can find ways to safeguard against it. Also, make sure what she gives you is full transparency from now on. You may never know the truth of the details of the affair. You're most hurt because you were left out of her intimate life, while finding out the details might give you the appearance of being brought in again, it won't really put you there. She made a wall around herself and put you on the outside and invited someone else in. That's the part that hurts, right? The details won't put you on the inside of that wall. The key is to see if she is willing to tear it down and build a new one around you both and protect your bond with each other rather than just protecting herself. Try to focus on building your new relationship rather than re-hashing the past, even if the past is haunting you because it's going to haunt you whether you know more or less about it. This might not be what you're going through, but this is how I see your situation.