She cheated. I cheated. Not sure where to go from here.

Thorburn · 03-07-2012, 05:32 PM

When we no longer have a moral compass to guide us it leads to all sorts of problems. You lost the moral highground, you surrendered. I understand why you did it but what happens when she finds out?

joe kidd · 03-07-2012, 07:52 PM

Hey I'm not judging, I'm in no position to. Is staying going to make you happy? If not the monetary gain just isn't worth it IMO.

JokesOnMe · 03-07-2012, 08:10 PM

From a practical point of view I am not going to get much out of leaving. I would be away from my daughters for substantial amounts of time. I would likely end up moving out. I would be paying support. I wouldn't be with my wife who despite everything we have been through I generally get along with and like. The only benefit is I suppose I could find someone else who would presumably be a better wife. But even that isn't a sure thing.

And we (wife and I) fixed a lot of the sexual issues we were having pre-affair. If you add in the improvement in the marriage intimacy and the still ongoing situation with the co-worker I am more than satisfied sexually. I do feel myself morphing into a scumbag and that is disappointing. A year ago I would never even of thought of touching another woman. Now...

pidge70 · 03-07-2012, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JokesOnMe

From a practical point of view I am not going to get much out of leaving. I would be away from my daughters for substantial amounts of time. I would likely end up moving out. I would be paying support. I wouldn't be with my wife who despite everything we have been through I generally get along with and like. The only benefit is I suppose I could find someone else who would presumably be a better wife. But even that isn't a sure thing.

And we (wife and I) fixed a lot of the sexual issues we were having pre-affair. If you add in the improvement in the marriage intimacy and the still ongoing situation with the co-worker I am more than satisfied sexually. I do feel myself morphing into a scumbag and that is disappointing. A year ago I would never even of thought of touching another woman. Now...

The really sad thing is, you don't seem to care.
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Jellybeans · 03-07-2012, 08:18 PM

Oh so you're still having an affair with your co worker and won't tell your wife? Amazing. Not to mention you going off on Sunshine in another post for texting pics to someone yet you ae doing way worse. Just calling a spade a spade. Your wife deserves the truth.
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jayman732819@gmail.com · 03-07-2012, 08:18 PM

i personally have no issues with what you are doing cause you've detached from your wife upon knowing the affair, most of us men struggle with how could she, and battle our selves for answers and self worth, instead u identified your false precepts of her and the only reason your still in the marriage is for your kids. this way, u dont have to wrestle with all the resentment bitterness and void feelings we naturally harbor , good for u

JokesOnMe · 03-07-2012, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

Your wife deserves the truth.
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No she doesn't. There is an incredible amount of deceit from her about her affair. Believe me she does not deserve the truth.

I really wouldn't call my situation with my co-worker an affair. We have had sex 6 times and done sexual things maybe 4-5 more times. Its not a situation where we are in contact every day or are sleeping with one another regularly. We have had sex almost exclusively on business trips. Its essentially just sex once a month.

With regards to the comments in the other thread. Our situations are totally different. I didn't wrong an innocent party. I am not saying things snowballed. I know what I did and I decided to do exactly what I have done. I am owning my ****. I don't think the other user was.

Jayman I wallowed in the misery for three months before doing anything. I do feel like I am in a better place now so thank you for the support/praise.

Jellybeans · 03-07-2012, 08:32 PM

No, you're not "owning your sh!t" as you say, since your wife is in the dark about what you have done and are doing. And you are actively having an affair. Divorce would be best since you don't seem to care.
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Falene · 03-07-2012, 08:36 PM

JOM, Jelly is right even though I totally see where you are coming from.

Your wife may not deserve the truth but you deserve to be truthful.

JokesOnMe · 03-07-2012, 08:40 PM

Ehh. Divorce would not be best. I've listed why I don't think its best. I guess I'll repeat it: $$$ and time away from kids.

I'm not ever going to tell my wife about the affairs. I don't see the point at all. All it would do is cause problems. And at the end of the day it wouldn't change a thing. I would still resent her and its not like she would file for divorce because of it.

I think what I am doing now is just sitting in the middle and having a moderately satisfactory marriage that has serious issues and messing around on the side. Its fine short term but it isn't really a great situation long term. My co-worker is in a remarkably similar position as I am and our set up is mutually beneficial and discrete. I just wanted to make clear I am not taking advantage of her or misleading her.

pidge70 · 03-07-2012, 08:52 PM

What happens if your W gets an STD because of your cheating? Condoms do not protect against everything. There could also be a chance that your "co-worker" is having sex with other people than just you.
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JokesOnMe · 03-07-2012, 09:01 PM

Karma???

I guess we'll cross that road if we have to. My co-worker says she is clean and I do believe her. We don't use condoms. She has an IUD. I used a condom for the ONS in November. I'm not trying to be glib or ignore your point. Its a valid one but I am not overly concerned. I am not messing with women who are HIV-positive. If and STD situation arises odds are it would be a minor STD and a treatable STD.

michzz · 03-07-2012, 09:03 PM

Depending on where you live, your spousal support could end after a few short years, or be a lifetime shackle to her.

If you want to avoid it, try to get her employed then divorce her.

I totally understand the lack of guilt you experiencing.

Her affair broke the marriage. Yours? More like hammering it in a little deeper.

That all said, if you are to fix your marriage, no more cheating.

Put all your cards on the table.

If you don't want to fix it, do as i mentioned at the beginning of my comments.

JokesOnMe · 03-07-2012, 09:15 PM

No we don't have an open marriage. It would bother me if she was having another affair. It might sound hypocritical (and it probably is) but the idea of sharing my wife is fairly repulsive to me. That is why I had such a hard time dealing with the affair. It would break me if I knew she was having an affair after proclaiming it would never ever happen again. And I have access to her passwords and phone. There are zero signs of an affair now.

I have started to broach the subject of her working again but we are still up in the air about the whole baby thing. I do want a son and financially we are at a good point now. Obviously maritally we are not. We both are in our early/mid 30s so ideally we would want to have him in the next couple years. This is more so what I was looking for guidance on. Would it be incredibly dumb to have another child in our situation?

michzz · 03-07-2012, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JokesOnMe

This is more so what I was looking for guidance on. Would it be incredibly dumb to have another child in our situation?

Do not bring more children into this mess of a marriage.

You must resolve issues, not pile on the complexity of your problem.