03-08-2012, 03:05 PM
Join Date: Oct 2011
Originally Posted by JokesOnMe
This is my first real post here but I have been dealing with this for some time now. My wife and I are in our early 30s and have been married for six years and together for eight. We have 6 y.o. twin girls. In June of last year I found some alarming things on our computer. Dug a little bit and it seemed like my wife was having an A. I confronted her and she denied. Nothing happened for a couple weeks. I got a series of text messages from an unknown number telling me that my wife was having an affair with someone's husband. I confronted again and wife confessed. The final version of events is that she had a 4 month affair with the married other man. Around 15 encounters. Frequent emails and messages.
My immediate inclination was to just file for divorce. I had been 100% faithful to my wife and passed up several opportunities to mess around. My wife ended up becoming extremely remorseful and by August I backed off the idea of a divorce. The idea of paying my wife spousal and child support to **** around is fairly unappealing. I grilled her for almost 3 months and she insists that the Affair was a one time thing and that she is sorry.
I am trying to forgive her but its hard. I have not been faithful to her since and I haven't even felt an ounce of guilt. In September I slept with a co-worker on a work trip. We have been together a few more times since then. I also had a ONS with an ex-girlfriend when I went home to visit family in November. I know I should feel guilty and on paper I am as bad as my wife. But I don't. And I still feel anger towards her. She doesn't know about any of this.
I do think a divorce would be hard because of costs and it would be tough on our girls. My wife and I get along well enough and the marriage is ok. We have a decent amount of sex. Don't really fight (unless its about the affair). Have a nice home. Prior to her affair we were talking about another baby but I am not sure where we sit now. I would like a son but I don't want to be further tied down in case things don't work out. I'm just looking for some advice. Is it wrong to just stick in the marriage because it is convenient?
JOM- you've had a good bit of advice given which I will echo but on top of that I want to point out a few things. First don't stay in a relationship out of convenience, because of financial gain or for "the good of the children". That will only result in resent me and doubt on all parties involved. Plus from what you say it seems as though you emotionally disconnected and have no interest in reconnecting. I would venture to say that you don't care about your wife, you may believe that you do but it's a front. You have to look at yourself and be brutally honest with yourself. Whatever you decide to do, do because it's for you as a person and not for others or for your pocket book. I cheated on my wife and she cheated too. I found out first and put her through hell and guess what when she found out about mine there was hell to pay. When we decided to R I made sure that she knew I was doing it because I wanted her. I wasn't doing it for the kids or because it was financially convenient. I did so because I chose her. And I told her in no uncertain terms that I wanted her to do it because she chose me. I don't want to be chosen because I'm a good father and the kids behave well around me or because I'm a good provider or because I clean house and help with laundry and errands. I value myself more than that to be chosen for that and not for the man that I am. And that sir is what you need to work on. If that isn't what is taking place in your marriage then it's not really worth just staying in it for the status quo. And you mention that the friends with benefits relationship is just sex and not emotional, I'm going to challenge that thought. After my affair which to me was just physical I gave it a lot of thought and realized that it did fulfill an emotional need. No I had absolutely no romantic feelings thoughts or desires for her but the feeling of being acknowledged as a sexual person was very rewarding. The attention that she was giving me was the emotional need that was being fulfilled. So look at your situation and ask what emotional need is being fulfilled via your affair?
One last note, another child isn't going to help any. Posted via Mobile Device