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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-08-2012, 01:26 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

am I glad with how things turned out and how we rebuilt a marriage and things are better now?

yes


Do I think it could have been done without the cheating?

hell yes
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

Any changes you make to better yourself as a man and a husband should be for YOUR benefit not hers no matter what the outcome of the marriage. Otherwise, they are fake and you will eventually go back to your old ways.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:32 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

I think it took him time to process the betrayal and he is feeling the resentment now. It will much worse for some more time.

OP , are you sure you have the full truth?
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:34 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

@str8insane My thread title is a little harsh. Sorry about that but in no way am I suggesting that cheating is a good way to have a better marriage. But in my situation that has been the case so far. But I have a history of learning things the hard way and her cheating was a huge wake up call. Unlike you, I was not a good spouse. I was guilty of being a bad husband and not giving her attention. It doesn't justify what she did but nonetheless I wasn't there for her. Before the A it was nag nag nag b*tch b*tch f*ck you..and I would leave the house for hours. I did everything I could in extra curricular activities just to NOT be at home.

Your situation is a bit different. Normally when men cheat it's all about the sex and that's it. You were already a good wife so him cheating wasn't going to change anything for the better.

I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you are taking a stand for yourself.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

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It actually does make it easier. We've talked about it and both agree that we are here together because we WANT to be. Not because we have to be, or for the kids, or because it's "the right thing" to do. But because we both genuinely want to be.
Well, I meant "it doesn't make it easier" in the sense that you will have to deal with triggers/the pain of infidelity, the hurdles of restoring a marriage post-infidelity.

But I do think it's great you mutually decided to stay together. That is paramount, and really the only thing that matters in the end.

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You don't know that and neither does she. Only until 'you cross that bridge' will both of you know the truth - hopefully you won't be a dumba$$ like she was.
A-freakin-men.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:38 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Interesting topic. You are a very forgiving person, obviously....but if it were me I'd be wondering how long it would be before it might happen again, when the immediate 'R' efforts have settled down. I think I'd probably also be in a mind to go out and bang someone on a business trip or something....just to in my mind 'be on an even keel'.

All the best to you for doing what you are though; hope it works out for you.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:39 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

This is like saying that you wish you had cancer so that you could appreciate life.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:41 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

Maybe if your wife cheats on you 1000 more times your marriage will be a 1000 times greater than it is now.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:49 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Interesting topic. You are a very forgiving person, obviously....but if it were me I'd be wondering how long it would be before it might happen again, when the immediate 'R' efforts have settled down. I think I'd probably also be in a mind to go out and bang someone on a business trip or something....just to in my mind 'be on an even keel'.

All the best to you for doing what you are though; hope it works out for you.
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I have not forgiven her and she knows that. I am only trying to do what feels right day by day.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:52 PM   #25 (permalink)
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This is like saying that you wish you had cancer so that you could appreciate life.
Or... give me $100,000 so you can learn how to appreciate sound financial planning.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:53 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I have not forgiven her and she knows that. I am only trying to do what feels right day by day.
Careful with depending on your feelings to dictate your course of action. Doing so almost always comes back to bite us in the a$$.

Check out my links below. You may find something useful to help you out.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:59 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Do you feel that she has become a better wife out of all this?
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:59 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Or... give me $100,000 so you can learn how to appreciate sound financial planning.
worked for this guy....


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Old 03-08-2012, 01:59 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Maybe if your wife cheats on you 1000 more times your marriage will be a 1000 times greater than it is now.
Haha! I like your humor. But I doubt that because she wouldn't get the chance to cheat on me the other 999 times because we WOULD be done.

Don't think I'm a pushover or something. It didn't go down like that trust me. We've both been through hell and back. It's been a tough road full of ups and downs. I can't begin to tell you what I almost did to her, myself, or the OM. I can get a little crazy when I need to and I almost lost it all together. It's been a lot of tears, anger, confusion, with a lack of trust mixed in. It isn't like we decided to R the day after D-day. It's been tough and still is some days but it's waken me up and made me work on myself as a person and a husband.

We did the no-contact letter, I exposed her, and I continue to be aware of whats going on. She has shown remorse and continues to be completely transparent with me. We are just trying to make it work because that is what we both want. But cheating on me again would be the end.
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Old 03-08-2012, 02:00 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them

Has your wife made no improvements in herself since the A? In my case, we were both terrible spouses and during reconciliation, we both improved a lot in many areas. It's been three years and for the most part, we've maintained those improvements. When things get rough, we are much better at communicating and listening.

If you are the only one who has been working to become a better spouse, I think that could be a problem.
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