wasclueless, I know where you're coming from. It's really hard to describe though. I am not the least bit happy my husband cheated on me. not the least bit. But I was a horrible person to him for about 4 years leading up to it. Just as he was to me. We each made a different choice about how to deal with it. Could we be where we are today if he hadn't cheated? Sure we could. Would we be though? I don't know. Someone compared it to having cancer in order to appreciate life. In a way it is. No one would wish they did have cancer, no one would wish their spouse got cancer, but if they did get it, they WOULD appreciate life more. It's a horrible way to do it, but there you go. Can you get the same appreciation for life without it? Sure you can. But many don't.
If the world was filled with beta males, your post would be accurate (although in my case, it is accurate -- EA). Could you imagine if only alpha's posted on the marriage forum?
A true alpha's thread would be about a 1 page long and noone would reply. An Alpha on this board - first post:
9:00pm
"Hey guys, my girl had this website up when I came home tonight but I am not sure why. I think she is looking for marriage advice, lol. Whatever, my advice to her is, if she cheats, she is gone. Hold on let me ask to see her phone. "
9:01pm
"WTF, it's locked. Let me ask her for the pass code."
9:03pm
"Ok guys, I have the passcode, all her email passwords, and her laptop is here with me on the table. She is sitting behind me crying, kind of messing up my concentration but I have to read this now.
WTF? It looks like she has been talking about all kinds of sexual stuff here, plus she is saying I am not that good of a husband."
9:04pm
"I'm back, sorry about that, I can think a lot better now because I can't hear her crying that much from outside."
End thread. Done.
Rock, you got it right up to 9:03.
After that a true alpha male would be loading his Smith and Wesson 500 loaded with 700 grain hardcast bullets. It will bring down a freaken Tyrannosaurus.
9:04 he would shed a tear that he wasted such a beatiful bullet on such a puny animal. And be pissed that now he has to clean his weapon over a piece of shi*.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
If the world was filled with beta males, your post would be accurate (although in my case, it is accurate -- EA). Could you imagine if only alpha's posted on the marriage forum?
A true alpha's thread would be about a 1 page long and noone would reply. An Alpha on this board - first post:
9:00pm
"Hey guys, my girl had this website up when I came home tonight but I am not sure why. I think she is looking for marriage advice, lol. Whatever, my advice to her is, if she cheats, she is gone. Hold on let me ask to see her phone. "
9:01pm
"WTF, it's locked. Let me ask her for the pass code."
9:03pm
"Ok guys, I have the passcode, all her email passwords, and her laptop is here with me on the table. She is sitting behind me crying, kind of messing up my concentration but I have to read this now.
WTF? It looks like she has been talking about all kinds of sexual stuff here, plus she is saying I am not that good of a husband."
9:04pm
"I'm back, sorry about that, I can think a lot better now because I can't hear her crying that much from outside."
If there isn't already a book with a similar title there should be because this is essentially what happens a lot of times.
I'm only 2 months into R with my wife after she had an A. From my knowledge the OM is out of the picture and I'm pretty darn sure the A is over due to some extensive detective work over the past 2 months.
What is left is a much better me as a husband. I'm actually now the husband she has always wanted according to her. We feel closer and I have to say even though the sex is awesome I don't feel so dependent on it like I did before. Yes it still hurts but I feel more in love and the feeling seems mutual.
So I'm sitting here thinking to myself...she was unhappy, had an emotional affair that turned into sex with OM, and now I have given her a better version of myself. It just seems really strange to think about. If I had cheated on her I'm pretty sure we'd be split up right now. How does she get to have sex outside the marriage and now almost get rewarded for it? I'm not saying I feel it's unfair or that I want to get revenge but it's just odd how things happen sometimes.
I know I'm probably over thinking but this is what happens a lot of times. It almost makes me wonder if it wasn't all planned. I mean hell, if you aren't happy you might as well cheat and see what comes of it. Either they leave you or the marriage becomes better. Sure there are still bad days, and I have zero trust for her and she knows it, she has to check in with me all the time, and be transparent but things are much better than they were before the A happened.
What a roller coaster infidelity is. That or God just has a real sick sense of humor I guess.
I feel you. That is illogical, but TRUE in many cases.
Someone hasn't hit the anger stage yet. For me it hit close to the 6 month mark during my R.
In a few months you may start to think about this again, why did you "reward" her for cheating? She got to go screw around with no negative repercussions and gets a better husband as a bonus. You are going to realize that it wasn't really fair to you.
Time will tell, 2 months isn't a long time by any stretch. Its way too soon to say your M is past all of this. My first R lasted 6 months.
I'm about 3 years in R myself (third and LAST time at R).
If the world was filled with beta males, your post would be accurate (although in my case, it is accurate -- EA). Could you imagine if only alpha's posted on the marriage forum?
A true alpha's thread would be about a 1 page long and noone would reply. An Alpha on this board - first post:
9:00pm
"Hey guys, my girl had this website up when I came home tonight but I am not sure why. I think she is looking for marriage advice, lol. Whatever, my advice to her is, if she cheats, she is gone. Hold on let me ask to see her phone. "
9:01pm
"WTF, it's locked. Let me ask her for the pass code."
9:03pm
"Ok guys, I have the passcode, all her email passwords, and her laptop is here with me on the table. She is sitting behind me crying, kind of messing up my concentration but I have to read this now.
WTF? It looks like she has been talking about all kinds of sexual stuff here, plus she is saying I am not that good of a husband."
9:04pm
"I'm back, sorry about that, I can think a lot better now because I can't hear her crying that much from outside."
End thread. Done.
What is this Alpha crap? Are you saying that it makes you more of a man to be unforgiving? I am the BS and committing my self to trying to save my family was the hardest, most courageous thing I have ever done. It would have been much easier for me to take the easy way out and kick his a$$ out the door. It would have made me feel more"Alpha" and a lot less like a doormat, but it would not have been the right thing for my child, and our family Alpha is for wolves and other unintelligent animals. Females can be "Alpha" too; the cheating b!tch who went after my H was very Alpha, she was a hard charger and 100% the aggressor.Do you think she is admirable for her boldness, and her no nonsense approach to getting what she wanted? I certainly don't. Life is a lot more complex than a world divided into Alpha and Beta camps. Are you sure you aren't confusing macho with Alpha?
Wow! what a concept. I read the original post twice.
I do not think my husband got a better wife after his EA because I have always been good to him and I have made changes since but I think that I was better before because I was not always checking up on him, watching him, asking questions. Yeah so I trusted him and my actions where in accordance with one that trust fully
He got a suspicious wife. May be that too will change and he can get a better spouse out of all this but the shrapnel and mess of the explosion is cleaned up it will look different.
It is well documented that in SOME cases of infidelity, that the affair reignites passion in the relationship and the couple grows closer.
It happens. Don't think anyone would recommend cheating as a strategy to get closer to your spouse. As Hope said, its a wake up call ... For some. Curtain call for others.
In my situation, things have definitely improved in ways. Sometimes a person has to lose what they have to appreciate it. They have to make mistakes to learn from them. It's human nature. After my wifes A, she's now devoted to doing whatever it takes to make me happy, shes much more honest and open, and the sex is 10x better. As a husband I'd say I've improved as well, I'm much more receptive to her feelings and needs. But ALL of these things could have been fixed with good communication, but unfortunately some of us need the shock value of an A to wake us the fck up
I will say though, our love isn't as special to me as it once was...it never will be again. I can never trust her the way I did, I will always have my doubts. Perhaps those are naive to just carelessly believe in to begin with? Those are just a few things that can never be repaired/improved in my opinion.
What is this Alpha crap? Are you saying that it makes you more of a man to be unforgiving? I am the BS and committing my self to trying to save my family was the hardest, most courageous thing I have ever done. It would have been much easier for me to take the easy way out and kick his a$$ out the door. It would have made me feel more"Alpha" and a lot less like a doormat, but it would not have been the right thing for my child, and our family Alpha is for wolves and other unintelligent animals. Females can be "Alpha" too; the cheating b!tch who went after my H was very Alpha, she was a hard charger and 100% the aggressor.Do you think she is admirable for her boldness, and her no nonsense approach to getting what she wanted? I certainly don't. Life is a lot more complex than a world divided into Alpha and Beta camps. Are you sure you aren't confusing macho with Alpha?
Oaks - when I found this site there was Alpha, Beta talk. Other then the 7 years of Greek I had to take in college and Grad school it does little for me. To me it is like saying "man up" just another non-sense expression. How can a man "man up" he** he is already a man. I get what folks mean but it is not my world or my vocabulary. I would lighten up a little. For me I find this talk amusing and I join in the banter from time to time. I need a laugh and lots of them because what I am going through and what many others (like yourself) are going through is not funny and a little lightheartedness helps me make it through the day.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
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Re: If You Want a Better Spouse...Cheat On Them 
That or God just has a real sick sense of humor I guess.
