Oaks - when I found this site there was Alpha, Beta talk. Other then the 7 years of Greek I had to take in college and Grad school it does little for me. To me it is like saying "man up" just another non-sense expression. How can a man "man up" he** he is already a man. I get what folks mean but it is not my world or my vocabulary. I would lighten up a little. For me I find this talk amusing and I join in the banter from time to time. I need a laugh and lots of them because what I am going through and what many others (like yourself) are going through is not funny and a little lightheartedness helps me make it through the day.
I often see these terms used by men to indicate that another male is not as manly as they are. The Alpha wolf is the pack leader and the betas are subservient to him. I don't share your amusement about the use of these terms, and courage is not gender specific so I am not fond of the term"Man up" either. It is not beta to do the hard work of repairing a M. Your are correct about the difficulty of this situation, and I am coping with this , in part because my H thought that having a mistress was the manly or Alpha thing to do. He compared himself to Tony Soprano in that Soprano had a mistress and he was a real man. I suppose some day I will lighten up, but not today.
I guess I misunderstood the op. I didn't think he meant the title of his thread to be seriously taken as advice. I thought he was lamenting the irony of a marriage becoming stronger and the people in it becoming better after something so painful. And, no matter what some think, it does happen. Why all the harsh judgement against those who experience it? Some of the things being said to the op are cruel and unnecessary, when I thought he came here to vent and maybe find some support.
Whether you divorce or reconcile, infidelity is one of the worst things you can experience. I don't understand why people who supposedly have been through it, themselves, seem to enjoy pouring salt in the wounds of those who choose the latter. They are BS', just like you and though the circumstances leading up to it and the aftermath may vary, there is still a lot of hurt to be dealt with. It's gotten to the point that when I see someone post something positive about the marriage post DDay, I want to tell them not to post that here. You will just be brought down, not supported or encouraged.
This place is supposed to be for people coping with infidelity. Whether you divorce or reconcile, you still have to f$&king cope with it. Once, I saw someone post on here that people who reconcile should only post about it reconciliation stories. Well, according to that line of thinking, those who divorce should be posting in life after divorce, only. I don't understand why we can't stop being so mean to fellow BS' and have compassion for each other. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm glad the OP has a better marriage now. I would caution him not to get complacent. Thats what happened in my case. My wife cheated three years into the marriage, and instead of divorcing like I should have, I chose to take her back.
She did the heavy lifting, endured three yers of mood swings, anger and vitriol from me, but with some good MC we eventually got back on track.
I never felt I was a bad husband to her before or after that happened... I really don't. I treated her like a queen, did my share of the housework, made sure we stayed financially stable, la, da-da, da-da....
Yet fifteen or so years down the road all those skills we fought so hard to learn evaporated, and we went back to a comfortable autopilot. I wasn't staying alert or noticing signs, but after a trip she took last October to a business conference, I should have noticed something was wrong and getting wronger.
Well, even after I found out about the EA in late January and confronted her, kicked her out again, she still went to be with her AP. Now I'm here, and we're headed down the divorce trail after 21 years together.
I'm not comparing the OP's wife to mine. She seems like she was starved for attention and love, and had her affair out of desperation. Does that make her more worthy of a second chance than my wife? Maybe. My wife cheated the first time due to immaturity and lack of morals; the second time I believe her motives were feuled by a desire to climb socially and win a rich husband.
I think all cases are different and have to be treated differently. I don't know the specifics of the OP's story, but the only advice I can give him is not to get too comfortable at any time in the future. I feel sad for his future.
That's the ultimate damage done to us BSs that our waywards don't seem to grasp. Even if reconcilliation does happen, they have damned us to a future spent constantly being on the alert and looking over our shoulders for trouble. We're no longer spouses.... we're forward scouts on a battlefield looking for signs of the enemy, never able to fully relax or let down our guard; and if we do? Well, learn from my story.
I haven't made up my mind yet if I believe or support reconcilliation.
I get what the OP is saying. No one wants this to happen. Most of us get blindsided. But one of the FEW good things in the midst of many bad things that can come from an affair..if there is reconciliation is you might end up with a better marriage than you had before. It happened to us. And going through all this crap made us who we are today. Wish it could of happened another way...but it didn't, and we made it despite. And it's WAY better today.
I would hope that the WW would also change to be the best wife ever If not then he is only setting himself up eventually he will grow tired of a one-sided relationship and stop doing the things he is currently doing and then she is at it again.
When I decided to give R a go, I made it clear that am not going with any self-improvement crap while on it. I am deeply offended by what has happened, and asking me to "work on myself" would be adding an insult to injury.
I wasn't that terrible husband before her A anyway, and look how it worked for me. So why bother?
Same way for me. No self-improvement crap for me either. I was not the problem.
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
I know in my case that I was not the best wife..I was unaffectionate and I lost interest in sex. Put zero effort into anything...got very complacent. Not that it was 100% my fault however this for me was also a huge wake up call. I do not know if anything else would have opened my eyes to what I needed to work on. I think in a marriage it is so easy to become complacent and not put any effort in.
2 months out and problem solved. She got to spread her legs for another man and you get to be the one to fix the marriage. No consequences for her equals no incentive to change. So what happens when she gets OM#w? Work on yourself more? Provide the condoms? Pay for the hotel?