wasclueless

If there isn't already a book with a similar title there should be because this is essentially what happens a lot of times.

I'm only 2 months into R with my wife after she had an A. From my knowledge the OM is out of the picture and I'm pretty darn sure the A is over due to some extensive detective work over the past 2 months.

What is left is a much better me as a husband. I'm actually now the husband she has always wanted according to her. We feel closer and I have to say even though the sex is awesome I don't feel so dependent on it like I did before. Yes it still hurts but I feel more in love and the feeling seems mutual.

So I'm sitting here thinking to myself...she was unhappy, had an emotional affair that turned into sex with OM, and now I have given her a better version of myself. It just seems really strange to think about. If I had cheated on her I'm pretty sure we'd be split up right now. How does she get to have sex outside the marriage and now almost get rewarded for it? I'm not saying I feel it's unfair or that I want to get revenge but it's just odd how things happen sometimes.

I know I'm probably over thinking but this is what happens a lot of times. It almost makes me wonder if it wasn't all planned. I mean hell, if you aren't happy you might as well cheat and see what comes of it. Either they leave you or the marriage becomes better. Sure there are still bad days, and I have zero trust for her and she knows it, she has to check in with me all the time, and be transparent but things are much better than they were before the A happened.

What a roller coaster infidelity is. That or God just has a real sick sense of humor I guess.

Kobo

Or you could learn how to communicate.

__________________
“In thy foul throat thou liest.”
― William Shakespeare, Richard III

Complexity

Erm what about the cheating spouse themselves?

wasclueless

I agree that communication would have been a much less painful route. But I have to admit, I don't think I would have been as serious about working on my marriage as I am now if she wouldn't have cheated on me, if that makes sense.

I wouldn't have taken it seriously. She tried telling me she needed more of an emotional connection with me and more attention but it fell on deaf ears. Not now man, I listen to everything she says and we talk more open and honest with each other than ever before.

Jellybeans

If by "reward" you mean take her back after she cheated, then that was a choice you made all on your own. Nobody forced you to stay married/offer reconciliation.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

Hope1964

My thoughts have taken me down a similar road a few times. He cheated and now I am a better spouse. I also agree with this: "I don't think I would have been as serious about working on my marriage as I am now if (s)he wouldn't have cheated on me". It was a gigantic wake up call.

__________________
Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want ~ Spock
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

Wolfgar

Perhaps it's instinctual, but maybe it has more to do with reclaiming what's "yours" and doing what you need to do to keep it?

strikethree

I don't think I could ever take someone back after they cheated on me.

They cheated and got away with it once. They would have to be VERY VERY VERY remorseful to convince me they wouldn't do it again.

wasclueless

This is true....and thank you for reminding me of that. She showed remorse and that she wanted to R and it was my choice to say yes and still is MY choice.

Jellybeans

Well yeah. I think a lot of time swe get down on ourselves but when you look at The Big Picture--you both had a choice-whether to stay or go. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but it's something to think about.

wasclueless

It actually does make it easier. We've talked about it and both agree that we are here together because we WANT to be. Not because we have to be, or for the kids, or because it's "the right thing" to do. But because we both genuinely want to be.

str8insane

I'm some what confused on this topic..first off some cheaters cheat just to cheat..when a faithful spouse does everything for their spouse.treats them as if they are kings or queens why then would they still cheat..i know with all my soul i did everything for my spouse.his excuse still today for his affairs is simple..he doesn't know why???...so my excuse now for divorcing is simple..i'm over it..i've gave him months to talk,counseling ,all i could give he refused..he wants to forget all this ever happened..save our marriage..how can a marriage be saved when the betrayer is still a loser..i give kudos to the couples here who are working non stop,but when the evidence is in your face day after day that he is still lying,hiding his affairs i can honestly say i am the winner here by walking away and having peace again.i know i will never get the answers i need nor the fact as to why he cheated.all i do know is that i was a great wife,at least he does tell me that and that i wasn't the reason..he did this for himself and his addiction.

Hope1964

__________________
Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want ~ Spock
FOR CWI NEWBIES
~My story~
Understanding the Pain - required reading for WS's
Help for sex addicts and their spouse

morituri

You don't know that and neither does she. Only until 'you cross that bridge' will both of you know the truth - hopefully you won't be a dumba$$ like she was.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links

sinnister

This depends on what your perceived issues were that you worked on to make you a better husband.

Are you really a better husband? Or are you just being what SHE WANTS you to be. This is the problem I see with R. Often the party that was loyal has the honor of changing everything while the betrayer reaps the benefits.