Re: Got into a major car accident, and then found out hes cheating
Having been the infidel (in a previous relationship) I can tell you that sometimes, we wind up in affairs and are caught totally off-guard by it after it is too late. It can all start with someone that you just meet and have conversations with... A co-worker, Someone at church, etc.
It all starts out innocently enough with a chance meeting and simple small talk conversation... Some time goes by and then you tell some of your troubles to the other person. They seem to understand... Herein comes the emotional attachment. Meetings are more and more frequent, until the relationship crosses the line.
Once the line has been crossed, the infidel begins to feel like he (or she) really has deep feelings for this other person. Before long, he (or she) feels that this person is the person his (or her) spouse could NEVER be. Pretty soon, the grass starts to look greener on the other side of the fence.
Once this boundary has been crossed, the infidel has a difficult time in detaching from the other person.
Affairs often blindside not only the spouse, but also the infidel. He (or she) has no idea how it started or how they got involved.
Having been down that path myself, and recently having seen my wife travel that same road, I understand how it works.
Yes, the problems typically start at home. In my case of being the infidel, I was miserable at home. My partner could have turned naked backflips once the affair had begun and it wouldn't have made any difference.
In the case of my wife's affair, she told me what my shortcomings were. Unfortunately, she had already decided in her mind that she wanted to separate, so the fact that I began to do everything "right" not only had no effect on the marriage, but it actually made her angry because NOW, I was getting in the way of her plans with the other man.
It is believed that infidelity will enter into 50% of all American marriages. The problem is that we sit around and feel secure in our relationships until it is too late. "We'll just sit here and watch the alligators from the riverbank. They are deadly, but we are far enough away to watch them safely" (until one of them sneaks up on you from behind and has your head in it's mouth... Then it is too late.)
Men and women who wind up in affairs with emotional attachment are not pigs or scum... They are human. This, of course does NOT make it okay to do this. The time to prevent an affair is before it happens. Think of it like "Fire Safety". Most house fires I respond to, we find a fire extinguisher amongst the ruins and remains of their home... Unused, of course. We spend time trying to find all of the family members who are scattered about outside. Even though the kids come home from grade school once a year talking to their parents about fire planning, yet it never comes to fruition. If there has already been one affair, then the time to prevent the next one is now.
In my experience, nobody sets out to hurt the other. It is not in the master plan, because, remember that the affair is not something that was mapped out and pre-planned... it just happened.
That aside, I will not attempt to minimize the effects of an affair. They are damning and destructive. They injure and kill our emotions and feelings. I am having a really difficult time with my wife having had an affair (actually, TWO of them back to back).
Closer study reveals that she was not happy at home, and I had the power the entire time to diffuse the situation before it exploded, but the warning signs are usually not very obvious. This is largely because of the level of trust that we place in our spouse.
All of that having been said, there is NO PLACE in a marriage (or a pre-marriage situation) for old lovers to be kept. They cannot be regarded as friends. Old spouses where children have been shared, unfortunately will become part of your family portrait, but aside from children, there is NO reason for them to ever communicate again.
The scary part is that you can check his e-mail, follow him around, bug his car and look at his cell phone, but the truth of the matter is that if he WANTS to have affairs, then there will ALWAYS be the opportunity to do so.
Trust is a necessary factor in any relationship. It cannot survive without it. Mistrust only breeds misery, which is cancerous to the relationship. No, you shouldn't just throw in the towel and say "Okay, I trust you again". He will have to earn your trust, and like your feelings, the trust can only be healed in time.
Re: Got into a major car accident, and then found out hes cheating
Here are my questions
1) Its been known that most men and woman ( not all) cheat because they are unhappy, or missing something froma relationship, and they try to find it elsewhere. This is what Ive heard, so please dont be offended, after all it happened to me. Anyways if my fiance was so unhappy why didnt he talk to me about how he felt, about how unsure he was, and that he was thinking about leaving?
Yes I was on this website with Oprah.com a man on there was speaking about affairs it was very interesting. He said that when the spouse cheats its often cause they are missing that something at home and its not always about the sex. it sounds like he loves you very much just that he was cofused in the situation of is the grass greener. My husband went through the same thing. I really dont even think it has to do with that women.
2) Why if they are so unhappy, or whatever there reasoning may be, dont they break up with us before they cheat? If i was unhappy, I would leave..so why stay
3) If he was so sorry about it
a) why didnt he tell me right away
b) why did he go back for more
Because He wanted to know and didnt want to lose you again my husband did the SAME thing I asked him to why didnt you just leave me and he said because I didnt want to lose you if I didnt feel that way he was very selfish as a affair is very selfish they are not thinking of that they are thinking of themselfs.
I cant ask him because he stil says it only happened once.
This is very hard trusting what they say after they have lied to you and seem to do it so well. But you have to trust and believe them if not it will eat you trust me I KNOW I obsessed it for three months.
4) How do i know he REALLY wants to be with me..after all he did cheat more than once with the same woman..that doesnt shout, Hey i want to be with you. He said he wants to get married, and have a future..hes sure this time, but how do i know Im the only one for him, and hes just staying with me cuz hes alone, and wants his cake and eat it too. How can I tell if he even cares about me too?
Ya well men and women get caught up in stuff and well ego boost is always needed to feel that someone other then you wants them makes them feel good. I strugggle with this to the well I dont know if he wants me? Does he love me? if so why? all I can say is if you love him and want to stay its going to be alot of work on both ends not just him.
6) He was so good at cheating the first time, never acted differently, and because she had gone to collage out of state, she never called, i even found his email password....he loggs on everyday, but nothing. He didnt act any differently, I suppose because it wasnt a relationship, just a night of sex....but how can I tell for the next time. The only way i found out was from her..otherwise I would still never know/
Ya its funny in that thing on oprah that I was reading the man says you have a better chance of winning the lotto before a man will tell you that he is or has cheated.
7) He looked me straight in the eye, didnt flinch, cried his eyes out, and swore he never did anything. How can i tell the next time if he's lying. And im not just talking about cheating, anything really. If he has the ability to look me in the eye, not fidget, or anything, how will i know if hes telling the truth about anything. Are there any signs[/QUOTE]
Thats the thing that we have to trust in if we stay. Hope that it will never be down that path again. And hope that they know that if it happend again its done that what they had done hurt so much you cant go through it again. I am so sorry you are dealing with this I am. I never thought I would be on a website like this and I AM. thank god I found this and am able to talk to people who have been through what I have and that helped me find my way! I hope that I can do the same for you.
Re: Got into a major car accident, and then found out hes cheating
Most men and women cheat because something is missing ...true but many don't contribute what they need to and wonder why the relationship has fallen flat. The cheater seeks to find something and then don't find it and become more frustrated. They may initial (someone different, the thrill, whatever) but it never satisfies that missing feeling.
Love is a verb and it has to be cultivated, nurtured and participated in by both partners. Unfortunately, that is missing in many people's marriages, perhaps that's why the stats are that in 50% of marriages there will be infidelity. Both partners get comfortable and then stop nurturing their love. So when the infatuation wears often and the relationship changes, they think they have fallen out of love.
I've been with my H for 23 years, last summer I discovered that he had an affair and from my perspective and from what he told me, my husband could have written moogvo's post (the first part, I never have or will cheat). It was never about her, she was convenient. In fact I could never understand his infatuation with her. She's much younger than me but she's plain looking, very unmotivated and lazy, and has nothing going for her. She actually has trouble making friends and staying in a relationship at all. He felt he was missing something felt she could give it. She didn't and he became more miserable and incapable of breaking it off with her or leaving me. I knew something was wrong, he was angry and distancing himself from me (our situation sounds like yours only it went further down the road than yours did as this went on for 6 months, I didn't know anything wrong in the first 4 months, no sign whatsoever and he lied with such skill after 23 years with him I was blindsided~)
We are reconciling now so I can offer you my perspective on healing and getting past it. I believe it can be done. We have not made it yet, there is still lots of healing.
He only confessed to the affair because I had evidence (emails) and even then tried to lie about it. I told him to get out I was never speaking to him again except to make arrangements for him to see the kids. I had no intention on reconciling but relented and told him I needed absolute honesty. What did he do? Lied again. this time for another reason, he downplayed everything. It happened only twice (try 20 at least!) it started 6 weeks ago (try 6 months) and piece by piece I got more out in a very painful (to me) way. Just dump it all on me at once cause this stringing it out was killing me, but he didn't. I still question whether I know everything.
He admits he was scared to death that if I found everything out I'd never have given that second chance and now that he lied he was afraid I'd kick him out for lying...it snowballed.
He didn't leave because he never truly wanted to and always loved me but was missing something and thought it was in us and it was really in him. He had to fix him before we could fix us. I know I contributed I got comfortable, I stopped contributing to "us" and more to our kids, I checked out. He is an avoider so when he becames unhappy it happened slowly and he worked harder at making me think he was happy than in trying to become happy.
We have learned what went wrong and communication is everything. We have learned to respect each other, how to really listen, how to be each other's best friend again. We take time for the two of us, date night is great, and we remembered why we fell in love to begin with. This was where we became derailed before. Yeah some times are boring (getting up every day, working, paying bills...not exciting) but you can create excitement every day by changing your attitude and focusing on the other.
If he is ready to do that, commit 100% to fixing this an earning your trust back, then you can change it. If he isn't willing to do that, cut and run. Better to waste 4 years than 24! If he ever cheats again, no second chances.
In our case, I know my husband is really sorry but you can never undo what is done. He sees the pain it caused me and our children too. While they never knew what happened, there were things that still hurt them. Mommy telling Daddy to move out...I'm pretty sure my daughter has put 2+2 together. As for me, some days I still want to punch him in the face, but I haven't yet so figure I never will actually do it :-) but I can tell the pain that he has caused me hurts him too.
I don't know when your wedding date is, but if its soon you do need to postpone until you can find out where his commitment is and if this is truly right for you. If it is, pushing the date back will not hurt anything at all. Above all else, keep in mind you deserve someone who will love you, respect you, and be faithful to you. So moving forward, if he is not that person, leave him now.