Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-11-2012, 11:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

History here:

23 years- out the window....

Was thinking about confronting him... not in a violent way at all, just ask him to back off some...

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Old 03-11-2012, 11:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

judging from your other posts y have to do this yesterday
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Old 03-11-2012, 12:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Even after my wifes EA, Om was told by her and me never to contact her again,well he did go fishing,wife told me about it and I went to whoop his @ss,he talked a tough game,think he realized how much I wanted my pound of flesh,he ran and I'm pretty sure he is still running.He know now what I'm capable of doing to him,have'nt heared anything from him in awhile.So in some cases I think the OM knowing hes is going to get the sh!t knocked out of him is needed,sometimes the promises of putting the OM in the hospital does the trick,has for me
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Old 03-11-2012, 12:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Don't bother with the OM - he knows he's sleeping with your wife, and she knows it too.

Thing is he doesn't care - in fact he no doubt feels like he is saving her from you - and feels he is the better man since she had chosen him to cheat on you with.


So instead of the OM - what you need to do is hire a PI and get the evidence of the physical affair. This should be very easy as she goes to his place regularly and stays there late into the night/next morning.
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Old 03-11-2012, 12:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Talking to the OM and telling him to "back off" will do nothing but make your wife cling to him and protect him from her mean, abusive, unloving, misunderstanding husband.

This is about you and your wife and her lack of boundaries, not the OM.

And they are having sex my friend. Don't accept that lie from her.
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Old 03-11-2012, 01:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Honestly, it probably won't do much good. If your wife wants to continue seeing Bert, she will find anyway possible to make it happen. I'm sure he already knows you disapprove.

All you can do now is 180, I wish my stbxh would have 180'd. I believe it would have helped me feel better about wanting to work it out with him.
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Old 03-11-2012, 01:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

I agree that violence should'nt be the answer but it is a rare case that requires this,the OM had told me my wife is his and always will be and there was nothing I could do about it.He knows better now.In my situation,I feel the promise of physical harm to him is what really made him back off.
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilted-canadian View Post
History here:

23 years- out the window....

Was thinking about confronting him... not in a violent way at all, just ask him to back off some...

Asking another man to back off some. You want him to ease up a little?

You should never ask another man to feel sorry for you and not bang your wife. That is pitiful. You probably don't mean it that way. Really and truly unless you are going tell him to back off and have some idea of what the consequnces will be if he does not comply with what you say, I don't get the point.
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Old 03-14-2012, 03:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

instead of confronting OM why dont u confront ur wife.
may be u r less afraid of MO than ur wife.
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:56 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

I actually confronted both the OM and my WS.

They each say they will have no further contact outside of her work.

We'll see...
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Old 03-14-2012, 08:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

do you want your wife to come back because you scared off the OM or because she chose to be with you instead and told him she wants no contact?

there are better ways of destroying the affair that will lead you to the truth of whether or not R is worth giving
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Old 03-16-2012, 10:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Having very recently confronted the OM, I will say confront him ONLY if the following two general conditions apply: know where your wife's at vis-a-vis you, and know who the OM is, who you're dealing with vis-a-vis yourself:

First, is your wife is truly wanting to R with you? This will be difficult to determine until her actions prove so, so don't just assume because she is saying so at the moment (unless you TRUELY know she is choosing you 100%. But you can never know until after awhile). But if the NC is there, she KNOWS now is do-or-die and is wanting true R with you, then perhaps confront him. Just imagine if she isn't wanting true R and you confront him and you have egg on your face when she still ends up going to him.
-"stay away from my wife."
-"well you're wife is coming to me, loser."
-"ummm...well...oh sh*t"

Second, be prepared for the ultimate alpha-male showdown. That means both intellectually/mentally/verbally and physically. This is a true mano-a-mano confrontation and you better be able to stand up to him in every shape and form. He will defend himself, attack you, and try to steal your woman, so if you aren't ready to kick his ass in whatever shape or form (verbally/physically), then dont confront him. It will bite you in the ass. Worse, it will show your wife who's the "better" man and only increase her attraction to him. On the other hand, if you are ready to kick his ass (metaphorically/literally etc) then this can be an indicator to your wife that you're a real man.

Confronting him is very very risky. In many ways its a genuinely huge gamble. It can backfire bigtime (he out alphas you and makes you look pathetic and/or she is forced to choose and ends up choosing the OM) or reward you bigtime (you tell him to stay the f*** away simultaniously while your wife has NC=he is alone and he'll get the gig is up...hopefully. As well, if you do out-alpha him you, well, out-alpha him. The latter is extremely satisying, TBH. This man messed with your wife and you put him in his place. It can make you feel a tiny bit better through this ****ty ordeal. I know I enjoyed it. I reclaimed my "territory." Think of two mountains rams fighting for turf. Confronting him is the ultimate primal battle, in many ways. But be warned, I dont think its much worse than when your wife cheats on you AND THEN the OM makes you feel even more pathetic by out-alphaing you. So be ready to fight, damnit!)

I recently contact the OM. I told him basically to f*** off and threatened to out him at his work and elsehwere. He replied with some attempts to make me look ridiculous etc. They were generally lame and I was able to defend myself well and dismiss his attempts to belittle me while in turn increasing the pressure on him and winning the battle of wits, so to speak. The verbal tussle ended with him having no retort and being speechless, and basically realizing the game was up and coming across as stupid (well as stupid as is possible in the situation. Remeber, this man messed with your wife so he'll always have a degree of "nah nah nah, I got your wife, sucker" satisfaction. He can use that card too, so be ready for it.) The next day he contacted my wife again, which I expected and of which I warned my wife and made clear what was necessary of her when he tried to contact her. My wife told me immediately and I repeated the warning to f*** off (over text on my phone). He hasnt tried to contact again.

Moral of the story: if you decide to confront him be prepared for the ultimate alpha-showdown (whether verbal or physical or both, depending if you confront him on the phone or in person). Also, only do it if your know your wife is on your side. Its a risk/reward thing that you can never fully predict how it will turn out, and can be either extremely terrible or moderately satisfying/effective. I think it depends on the context of each situation whether its a good idea or not, but be warned and consider these facets before you do it. In general, however, I feel there is alot more to lose than there is to gain, even though I dont regret contacting the OM myself. I can see it turning out terriblely for many people. At the same time, for some men, they wouldnt be able to live themselves knowing they :chickened out" from confronting the OM. For some men it is a matter of self respect, I believe, to stand up for yourself and your marriage. Ultimately its your call.

Last edited by brokenbloke; 03-17-2012 at 06:58 AM.
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

brokenbloke hit it out of the ballpark.
You better be ready to outmatch this guy in everyway,OM spent time in prison,has a bs job and bs's about his position,supervisor yeah ok,cant spell,no computer skills,owns nothing,makes piss poor money but he could talk a good game.I know who I am and what I'm all about and I'll be damned if a loser is going to try and muzzle in on my family,be prepared for war.OM declared war on me after ne still tried to contact my wife after I thought the whole EA was put to rest,he was old hs bf,in the end the war was more like Grenada,lasted all of half an hour,oh yes I won.No one fvcks with my family,this guy even said he was coming to my house and my wife will always be his.Funny,all that tough talk and hes scared sh!tless about running into me again.Good luck,kick some a@@!
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Old 03-19-2012, 10:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

I havn't yet, and have actually called my mom to have her talk me out of going to his house to beat the chit outta him.

I have told my wife that if we or I run into him anywhere, its game on, and 1 of us would be going to the hospital.

I will not go out looking for a fight, but I will not back down either, and it will be ugly when I run into him.
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Old 03-19-2012, 11:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I confront the other man in an emotional affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cabin fever View Post
I havn't yet, and have actually called my mom to have her talk me out of going to his house to beat the chit outta him.

I have told my wife that if we or I run into him anywhere, its game on, and 1 of us would be going to the hospital.

I will not go out looking for a fight, but I will not back down either, and it will be ugly when I run into him.
Wear a cup.
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