I'm the new kid in town here. I guess I'm just looking for some advice. I guess I'm a lot like most others here in the fact that I'm dealing with my wife's EA. We have a 3 year old son and have been together 9 years and married 4 and a half years.
Found out about it back in January, but didn't actually get her to admit it until five days later after my discovery catching her at his house. She told me that there were communication problems in our marriage and I had seemed to be distant from the relationship that led her into the affair. To me this was the last thing I expected. I knew we had been having a hard time communicating toward each other the last year. I had taken on a new job and was under tremendous stress and trying to learn how to deal with it and balance work requirements and family life. I guess I was caught between the stress of my job and trying to be a good husband. I was not perfect in my attempt, but I did realize that I had to work on myself and get help from my doctor and I did seek out that help. I had let my wife know that I understood the way I had been and was sorry for making her feel that way and neglecting her, but was committed to doing the right thing for the family to bring me back to the guy she married. Well....The day I go to the doctor is the day she admitted to the EA. I was completely blindsided, and devastated to say the least. Of course all of the who, where, when, and why started coming to mind and sent my mind and body into massive anxiety attacks.
Since the discovery I told my wife that in order for us to continue that I would need no contact to the OM if we were going to work on our marriage. I also told her that in order for me to trust her I wanted complete disclosure of phone records, email and chat records. She said that she would be willing to do that because she wanted the family to work. All of this of course never happened and she changed all her passwords and made me have to play investigator. A role I hate more than anything but I go with my gut and so far have not been wrong.
Well since that time, I have caught her on multiple times lying to me about continuing to contact this guy. Even going out to lunch with him after all of this and then lying to me about it. Each time she's says that she is sorry and will not contact him again. She has told me that maybe we should have a trial separation, which I do not want. I have tried to be reasonable but through our conversations I still don't feel like the truth about the affair has been the full truth. She told me finally that this guy thinks that he is in love with her and that she feels like she wants to have sex with him. That made me think, yeah a trial separation... so you can go and have sex with your little boyfriend and do what you want to really be doing instead of working on our marriage.
I almost threw up hearing that. She at this point has been completely emotionally shut off for the last week. Only recently when we have talked that she has began to admit more pieces of the story. So...I still think there's more to this story.
In our last talk she said that she does not know why she feels the way she does for him or why she continues to want to talk to him, but I was very stern is telling her that IF she is serious about our family then actions speak louder than words. That I have heard all of the "I'm sorry and won't do it again" or "I want to work on our family" lines and that I thought it was all complete BS and would not take anymore of her excuses. I also let her know that I have given her every opportunity to show me through actions and not words that she is committed to being a part of our family. I am a forgiving person, but do not mistake my compassion for weakness.
So now today. I asked her what exactly were her intentions and what exactly were her priorities? She told me that she wanted our family to work, (again I have heard that one more than a few times) and that she thought she needs to go to counseling. ( again heard that one to more than a few times over the last few months which has not happened) I completely agreed but I made it clear that I would not tolerate anymore lying, sneaking around or any other shady behavior or anymore contact with this guy. I almost feel like at times she keeps letting me catch her so that I will get mad enough to leave thereby removing her from any guilt of failure on the marriage. Which is so twisted it makes me sick to my stomach.
I hate what all this will do to my son and how it will affect him. I hate the fact that divorce maybe the only option.
But at what point do I call it a day and go get the lawyer?
One more chance? How many chances do you give someone and let them break your heart all over again? She has asked me that if we stayed together would I be able to move past this? I responded with as long as you keep this man in our life I will not move past it and will only move on with MY life. I will move on with or without you and not fall prey to this BS game she is playing any longer. I let her know that the only thing I have been able to trust is that she will lie to me and continue to make my life difficult and that I have not seen ANY effort on her part to work on us even when I have been doing anything I can to work on our marriage. I feel like I am alone in my efforts.
The only thing that has made me happy is being with my son. I am completely dedicated to his well being and will do what is best for him.
She hasn't ceased contacting the OM and called your bluff everytime you put your foot down which means she wasn't remorseful or serious about fixing your marriage. I don't want to suggest divorce but if your wife is willing to spend a double life and prioritize another man and his feelings over her husband's I don't know if you'd call this is a marriage at all.
Filing may have 2 differing effects
1) it may snap her out of the affair fog and make her realise what she has to lose
2)if you file it'll be almost certain she'll turn her affair it into a PA as she's evidently "in love" with the OM and you have to question yourself whether you'd be able to live with that if she decides to snap out of the fog later on.
If she was at his house I doubt it stayed at the level of an EA. They have already had sex. You are getting trickle truth'd.
File for divorce and have her served. No separation. Start the process of separating your finances etc. She needs a good does of reality. When she is served the papers she will get it. Her response will indicate whether your marriage can be saved or not (provided you even want to try to save it). It's time for you to stop being nice. Nice will absolutely destroy your marriage. Firm may save it.
I'm sorry you are here. I agree with complexity. Remorseful people don't keep doing what she is doing. She may want to keep you angry so that justifies in her mind what she is doing. In her warped mind her cheating is all your fault. I'm dealing with that same logic with my STBXH, it is hard but the bottom line is your W and my H made the choices they made. No one forced them to betray, lie and cheat. Their denials and blame shifting is extremely hard to deal with but you know you have tried to work things out just as I have with my H. The problem is you can't reason with delusional liars. They refuse to admit any wrong doing on their part, it is someone else's fault.
Wow. Amazing ridiculousness from your partner. Stand firm in fighting for the integrity of your marriage. If she admitted to wanting to be with someone else, physically? That is more than enough for me.
Sorry you are here. Who cares if she has been with this guy or not? She is already looking/wanting to go outside the marriage----disrespecting you, your vows, your son and herself.
Don't give her time to "think". Tell her its the marriage or D.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She called your bluff and realized that you are nothing but hot air and there are no consequences to her actions.
1. Expose the affair to the OM's significant other.
2. Contact a lawyer about your options.
3. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes even going with him for lunch after being caught. This shows she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect your self then who will?
4. If the roles were reversed, would your wife be such a doormat as you have become?
Like others have said if she was at his house there is no way in hell it was only an EA.
Yeah, I drove the 45 minutes just to sit and be next to her as company. If I was driving that far, I was getting some, end of story. And the OW knew I didn't drive all the way to her place just to sit and talk either.
Agree with others, now is the time to speak with a lawyer. The chances it was only an EA are very low, especially if they've been at his home alone. Maybe not actual intercourse, but if she's wanting to experience sex with him, then they've probably been doing everything else and it's just a technicality.
Also, let's say you serve your wife papers and she starts to actually be remorseful and want to truly R. Do not give in right away. Read up on all the newbie and 180 posts. Decide exactly what you need to R and HOLD FIRM!
If your wife is a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), part of R should be her getting a job. Doesn't have to be full time, but if she had enough time to have an affair, she has time to be at a job. If she is working and it's with the OM, she needs to switch jobs as part of R.
Also, a polygraph is another step to consider if you ever get true remorse. But until you serve her divorce papers, I doubt you'll get anything but empty promises and more lies.
@chapparal he was a co worker that no longer works at the company she works for. He lives with his sister and has a roommate....scum of the earth that he is.
@Lonestar yes it is complete delusional lying
@Warlock I knew the moment she said separation what she wanted and that she would be guilt free and that would be the point of the separation.
Her family now knows about the affair and really feel bad for me. They have always liked and respected me and they want her to get her **** together for our family. But they can't make her choices for her.
I am working on getting the bank accounts separated out.
Also I have a friend at a law firm who gave me some referrals and I am making an appointment to meet with a lawyer and discuss options.
She told me that she ended it with the other OM and is now 100 percent committed to working on the marriage. (Uh huh) Yeah I have heard all this before. I basically could start the clock counting down until the next discovery. At this point it's all actions and not words. I have separated emotions out of the equation and have been focusing on myself and trying to be better. It is hard to be like this and I only hope I can continue to become stronger and move on. I need to move to some sort of closure. Again she had said that she would go to a counselor but quite frankly, that's not going to happen in my opinion. I will believe it when I see it. Although, I am seeking a counselor for myself because I need it and it will help me deal with all this absurd behavior. One has to think that a truly remorseful person would go out of their way to reconcile and prove that they mean business and want things to work out. I have seen neither. Stringing it along is a complete waste of time and quite frankly I'm tired of it all.
I have also started the 180. That is a tough road but it seems to be giving me an understanding of how much affection or caring she actually has ( or does not have) for me. Once I meet with the lawyer and get my options in order I will move through the next steps whatever that will be.
I really hate being like this but Im trying to move through it. I just ask the lord to give me strength and make it day to day.
I really would like to thank everyone for support. I know you all have felt the pain that this causes and I appreciate all of the advice.