Wife Cheated on Me while I was away at training

CH · 03-12-2012, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngryandUsed

I still wonder why his spouse announced her ONS with OM.

Afraid SIL was bailing on her marriage and was gonna spill the beans? I have to wonder how many times those 2 have been playing pilot and wingwomen together.

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 12:29 PM

the fact you got the ILYBINILWY speech prior to her supposed cheating means she had already cheated with someone else or at the very least had plans on cheating while you were gone

TDSC60 · 03-12-2012, 12:30 PM

Sorry to say but the cheating was a planned event. She started going to the bar w/ cheating SIL knowing full well she intended to hook up with some other guy. That is why she kept going back, exchanged phone numbers, and eventually had sex with him. That is exactly what she intended to do. She did not go out get drunk and wake up in bed with another guy - she wanted to cheat and planned it until she eventually worked up the nerve to do it.

You have not had time to get over the initial shock let alone figure out what you want to do next. Slow way down. Your whole life just took a terrible hit. Don't jump to ANY major choices or decisions now. Eventually you may find it does not matter why she did it - the fact that she intended to do it, planned to do it, then followed through with the plan, may be too much for you to accept and move on with her.

Bonding with her at this stage is only causing more confusion for you. Slow it down and follow the advice of other posters as far as STD and pregnancy testing is concerned.

AngryandUsed · 03-12-2012, 12:34 PM

Have you discussed seriously with her?
Have you started D process?
What did you say, "She is a marriage counselor"?

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 12:36 PM

just because she is a MC don't assume she knows what a wayward needs to do to help you heal if in R

AngryandUsed · 03-12-2012, 12:38 PM

MC profession should have given her more knowledge as to how to hide the affair!

bandit.45 · 03-12-2012, 12:39 PM

What makes OP's wife worse is her SIL is her "cheat buddy". They will cover for each other, just watch and you'll see.
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Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 12:42 PM

the big 4 in order to heal from infidelity-

1) No contact- she must never contact OM again, if he contacts her she must ignore it and tell you of it right away. Mostr cases a NC letter should be written (see the newbie link in my signature for more info)
2) complete transparency- all passwords, phone, whereabouts, etc are now like an open book and she shouldn't make you feel guilty for spying or snooping. If you ask to see her phone, she gives it to you. It also helps to heal by affirmation if you spy on your own means with keyloggers and VAR's, etc
3) 100% true remorse- see the chart in the newbie link for more detail, but NO MORE trickle truth, blameshifting or gaslighting. The affair is all hers to own and do the heavy lifting for
4) spend more one on one time together - 10-15 hours a week to rebond and talk

Shaggy · 03-12-2012, 12:50 PM

Like AR points out, she was already cheating before this. Her actions in Jan and the rest of the month show this.

More likely is that the OM didn't want her full time and dumped her, or perhaps he found someone he wanted more and dumped her. Either way she is running back to her plan B.

It is also possible the SIL was about to be caught herself or leave , perhaps she got something or is knocked up, and your wife is afraid of all her activities coming out.

Good job calling your brother, he always should come first over a cheat wife and cheating SIL.

So I assume that your wife is now banned from any contact with you SIL? You realize your wife feels a loyalty to the SIL more than to you right? You need to make no contact with the SIL a rule for you staying in the marriage.
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CH · 03-12-2012, 12:54 PM

Only 4 years together and married only 2 years, no kids.

I say get out and move on you're still young. Trust me, it's not easy on both ends to move on with an affair. It takes years and years and years of work and for the BS it's basically a slap in the face to you because

We cheated and you took us back but we'll be faithful now. My wife should have kicked me in the nuts and moved on to find someone better. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death but in my heart I know she deserves better, I try to give that to her but deep down inside I know it'll never be enough.

Things can be better after an affair but wouldn't it be better to just find that someone who won't cheat on you?

chaos · 03-12-2012, 12:55 PM

Now that you allegedly told your brother about both of your wives infidelities, maybe the two of you can give each other emotional support.

WeDoExist · 03-12-2012, 01:00 PM

She is no longer talking w/ SIL. The way I summed it up was that she basically replaced me w/ my SIL and some loser. It's just so much to grasp...

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeDoExist

It's just so much to grasp...

sucks, don't it?

you're going to go through stages and awful feelings for a while. It's obviously at its worst now and will heal over time and with either a D or a true R.

WeDoExist · 03-12-2012, 01:07 PM

Any opinions on me contacting him? I wouldn't even know where to begin...

Almostrecovered · 03-12-2012, 01:09 PM

confronting OM is usually worthless

you can't expect to get the truth from him
getting into a violent confrontation is also not worth it

if he is married then it is definitely worth telling her